I know I've been super positive since joining the site, but today feels rough, and I don't feel like puking up rainbows. My brain is trying to usurp my efforts, telling me that I should just throw away the patch and go cold turkey, that I'm just prolonging my suffering by quitting this way, that I am WEAK because I am using the patch, even though I KNOW that I will absolutely fail if I stop using it. When I woke up this morning at 3:30 I was so achey, tense, buzzy. Like, I felt cravings all the way down into my toes. Tension all in my forehead and around my eyes. And like a robot, my hand reached over to my nightstand, expecting to find my Juul. UGH. Sometimes, I really hate my brain.
I laid in bed for about an hour, knowing I wouldn't fall back asleep, but I wanted to just practice deep breathing and relaxing. I was telling myself over and over, "I don't do that anymore." I'd get myself into little moments of peace, but they wouldn't last long. I finally got up at 4:30 and slapped on a fresh patch. I made it seven hours like the night before. Was hoping to make it eight hours. Oh well.
Withdrawls hurt. I hate the pain. Hate it. So much.
I just need to get this gripe out of my system. I need to make peace with the long road. It's only day 6. And I am feeling emotional today. Stupid hormones. I just want to cry for no reason. And I am future tripping, thinking too much about what's to come. Worrying about the unknowns of this journey. Wondering if I've got what it takes to power through days like this one over and over and over.
Nicotine addiction STINKS. I hate it hate it hate it and I can't wait to be free of it. I'm going to head out for a sunrise walk in about an hour. That should clear my head. I need to stop telling myself that I am weak.
Enjoy this photo of my feet at Valley of Fire. Maybe I'll head back there again on Saturday and hike until my legs fall off.
