at least the smoking helped me KILL TIME.... I'm not saying I'm in-bed-all-the-time depressed. I have a great full time job, a friend or two, I play an instrument once a week, blah blah blah. but I've always found life disappointing and myself even more so. it's my failing and so far no guru nor medication has helped me see life's wonder and grace. yes, I can pass the time: I knit, I read, I go for walks. but when a person doesn't get any real enjoyment from these things, one doesn't want to do them every single day. so smoking was really helpful in passing the time. thus the 28 years. i'm not asking for therapy here. i'm not asking for anything more than anyone else. just stating my perspective. this is hard. day 12 and I'm fine with not smoking in theory? but as I pace and putter through the rest of my life, I can't for the life of me think of what else will fit the way smoking did.. then I slap my face and say, "this should be your worst problem!" THE WORLD IS AT YOUR FEET silly girl! wish my brain could get that. do you hate me, that my brain can't get that?
