can I really do this?

[MusicalHobbit]

I'm seriously doubting my ability to keep my quit right now.

just feeling really crappy, prob due to being ill and suffering covid fatigue, plus all the emotions surrounding my possible misdiagnosis. all the anger and hurt and feeling a little ignored by all the psychiatrists I had before this one, all of them just taking the bipolar diagnosis at face value and pumping drugs into my body that I probably didn't even need.

I'm seriously wondering if I am ready to fully give it up after the nrt.

I never give up, and i need to remember that. one of my role models always says never give up. But it's really hard. I feel like I'm at a snapping point and scared i could cave and either go back to nicotine or marijuana again.

I've stayed strong with my quit from weed for 51 days, and I am proud of that. and stayed strong for 35 days of no nicotine except for nrt.

But can I really do this? I've worked hard to get to where I am now, but part of me thinks I can't take it anymore.

I think I am needing a gentle push/motivation from all of you, nicotine-free friends!

I've saved so much money, probably over $200 last month from not buying any. That is kind of a motivator, but feeling very emotionally crappy and part of me knows that it's probably that big monster in there, as the book puts it. I should read more of that book. I couldn't put it down before I went into hospital. It became a major focus for me.

But i think that my emotional state is causing my little monster to have a fit, which is egging the big monster on, trying to lie to me and tell me that going back would just make it better.But I don't think so. it would just put me in the hole again as far as money and if we're going to fix stuff in my brain with new meds my brain needs to be as clear as it can be.

But there's that other part of me that can't take it anymore.

😑

[RainbowHeart]

Hi @MusicalHobbit , as a fellow long-misdiagnosed person, I feel your pain. And as a yo-yo quitter for years and years (and YEARS), let me say you don't want to start over. I don't know your journey exactly, but my first 2 weeks sucked so bad this last time that I'm never going back. I've been sick too, and just recovered from a major med screw-up, but remembering those first 2 weeks cause me to find other things to do instead of feeding my nicotine addiction.

You say you have quit money saved, how about a small reward? I am big on rewards, most addicts are. It can light up your brain without taking away your quit. Also any self care you can manage is very big right now. Make it all about YOU.

You're doing great, keep up the good work!

[MarilynH]

You can and Will be A okay, deep breaths and keep moving forward stacking up those precious days of DOF ~ Days Of Freedom so each evening you can say YAY for another Day WON! You've got this believe it because we believe in you and we're rooting you on stay close and reach out whenever you need to or just want to vent we're all here to help you in any way we can.....

[Snowdoggie]

@MusicalHobbit We have a sayi g here to "Guard your quit!" That is what you need to do. We all have slumps and tough days but don't let that take your quit away from you.

Your quit is like a little baby and you need to do everything you can to protect it. If you have a bad day or get angry you don't take it out on the baby, so don't take it out on your quit.❤️

Go back to the basics right away. Start drinking cold water (go get some now) do your deep breathing (do some now) exercise (March in place now - if you can). Whatever things worked for you in the begging do that! Type "relapse" or "failed" in the search bar and read the blogs. Remember how good each day you succeeded was. Do Not Smoke!! That is junkie thinking and will not lead anywhere good. Wishing you the best. Are you still in the hospital? When will you be released? Have a plan to not smoke.❤️

[MusicalHobbit]

@Snowdoggie I am home from hospital, got out on Tuesday. I'm doing some distracting things at the moment to make sure I don't cave in! That makes a lot of sense about what you said about it being like a baby. I think nicotine was my way of dealing with intense feelings--I've learned better than that in therapy. I need to stick to it. 😻

@RainbowHeart thank you for your kind words. you can pm me anytime you want to talk. 💛

[Djupav1k]

Sending you virtual hugs as you are going through these tough times. Please listen to your thoughts reminding you that smoking won’t make things better. Pamper yourself a bit - maybe a warm, soothing bubble bath, maybe using some of the saved funds to treat yourself to a massage, you get the idea. I do a lot of “distracting” - for example, I lose track of time will doing jigsaw puzzles, so hours can go by without thoughts of smoking. Plan a dream day (that doesn’t include smoking). Remember that you have a community here supporting you. 

[Triggerwarning]

We are here for you anytime, reach out to your support systems as much as you need 

[YoungAtHeart]

All the things going on are difficult, for sure, but they are only excuses to smoke.  There are NO good reasons!

I like a saying:  Don't look back; you aren't going that way.  Maybe try to turn your diagnosis anger around and instead be grateful that you NOW have a proper one and can look forward to feeling better?  

One last thing - that cigarette will NOT feel and taste like the cigarette of old, and thus will not give you that  hit of dopamine you remember.  You won't notice it because the smoke will be burning all the way down your throat, your esophagus, your bronchial tubes into your lungs.  And THEN you will get a spell of coughing and feel like you just might hork up one of your lungs.  Your breathing apparatuses are no longer conditioned to deal with that invasion....

Get out in some fresh air!  Take a walk!  It will do wonders for your body AND mind.  Do it NOW!

Nancy

[maryfreecig]

Yes you can keep your quit--one day at a time. When your mind gets really wiggy, remember to narrow your time frame. You cannot stay smober forever today, just smober for today. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Congratulations on all your success, keep it coming.

[Barbscloud]

@MusicalHobbit So what is your status since the hospitalization?   Are you in the process of being diagnosed?  Have there been any medication changes?   Glad you're home.

Barb

[MusicalHobbit]

@Barbscloud I am going to be set up for a psychological battering of a test...lol...because my psychiatrist wants to figure out what my true diagnosis is. I've been placed on an antidepressant, just a normal one not a mood stabilizer since my psych and the one from hospital think I could be depressed not bipolar. Taken it for three days now, today was the third day. starting to feel a bit of a difference, but it may take a couple of weeks before I really feel a noticecable difference.

[Barbscloud]

@MusicalHobbit I happy to hear you're getting some help.  This certainly is a difficult time to quit and will take some extra effort on your part.  Stay committed.  In the long run quitting  is going to help with your depression, but it will take some time getting the medication regulated. 

Don't know if I sent this to you before.  I'm  no expert on the topic, but I hope it help you a bit.

Debunking myths around quitting and mental health - EX Community'

The fact that you're still here asking that questions tells me how much you want this.  You could easily have disappeared like others have.  Try to distract your thought processes  If you can, walking is a great walk to refocus your thinking and you get an added boost of dopamine.  I would just walk out the door when I had a craving and just go for a short walk down the block as often as needed.

We're here to help anyway you can. 

Stay close.

Barb