December 21, 2010 by Kelly Comments (14)
I'm back.....some of my friends from last year may remember me; 48, e.r. nurse, single mom. Hard smoker for alot of years. I quit smoking with the help of the people on this site on September 28, 2009. I lasted a whole 28 days before I decided that I could have "just one"..before I knew it I was a smoker again. i was too ashamed to come back and talk about it. Exactly one year from the day of my failed quit, on September 28, 2010, I was told that I had Extensive Small Cell Carcinoma Lung Cancer and that it was not curable.
Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC) is the "bad one" that makes up only about 15-20% of all lung cancers. It's the one that is caused solely by cigarette smoking and no other environmental factors. It's very aggressive and is almost always metastasized (spread) before it is diagnosed. I had no respiratory symptoms; no pain, shortness of breath, spitting blood. In early September, my lower legs swelled, and I had sudden onset uncontrolled hypertension (high blood pressure) and uncontrolled diabetes. I was put on multiple insulins and medications at home for two weeks but became progressively ill, my legs swollen to the point of "weeping". When lab results showed my potassium level to be critically low, I was hospitalized in "diabetic ketoacidosis". When my liver enzymes resulted extremely high, they asked if I was an alcoholic or had possible hepatitis exposure. A cat scan of my liver showed that the liver was enlarged and "almost completly replaced by metastatic disease" (tumors). I read that report all alone, in my hospital bed, tears soaking the pages, before the doctors came to tell me. That's how I found out. A liver biopsy confirmed that it was SCLC that spread to the liver; a cat scan of the chest showed one tumor in the left lung, wrapped around the pulmonary artery.
They had a medicine port surgically implanted in my chest for chemotherapy infusions...the oncologist told me this cancer cannot be cured but that it may be possible to achieve some level of remission with aggressive treatment. He told me I had no time to lose and needed to start chemo immediately. It was questionable if i had enough liver function remaining to tolerate chemotherapy, but there was no choice. Without treatment I would be dead within a month........48 years old, my kids 11, 12, and 26.
From the date of my diagnosis and for six weeks thereafter i was sick at the thought of ever smoking another cigarette in my life...but after a few rounds of chemo i started to feel better and allowed myself that "just one"....and started again, trying to justify it with the fear/anger/anxiety/shock/depression that took over me....what a sick addiction.
I've had 4 cycles of chemo and 2 remaining....I feel wonderful; look normal, leg and abdomen swelling gone. My blood work is in the normal ranges....like a miracle. God is trying to show me that I can live a healthy life for awhile and see my children grow some more, but not if I continue to poison myself.
I needed to write about it; to see the reality in black and white and let others see it. .. I need help; I'm praying for strength. I need to let go of the guilt...if I could take back every single cigarette I would, but I can't. Today I'm going to quit for the last time. I hate this shit......
