Your Relapse is My Trigger

[AnnetteMM]

Why?  Why would someone else's relapse be MY worst trigger?  I want to be a helpful member of the community.  I want to be able to give encouragement and be a good cheerleader.  But I have to admit to myself (and to all of you) that I have a really hard time of it after I do so.  I have encountered lots of triggers and worked through them, talked about them, been okay with them, never thought about them again.  

When YOU give yourself permission to smoke, I want to do it too.  As well as I've been doing for these past 4 months, I'm not 100% sure I'll be quit forever.  I didn't know that until today.  I commented that if I knew I had one day to live I'd go get cigarettes and smoke them all.  That's not being 100% quit.  That's not quite as stable as I'd hoped I was.

It makes me very sad.  Very, very sad.  Is this a common thing?  What can I do for myself?

[kristen-9-7-15]

I think it is more common then you think.  Early in your quit, you may be a tiny bit jealous of the person who relapsed gets to smoke. Your still early in your quit.  Those thoughts will diminish as you build your days up.  And it is just that, a thought.  You do not have to act on your thoughts.  Don't be sad.  Your over 100 days quit I think.  Think of all the good things about being smoke free.  Make a list here and post it.

[TW517]

That is why most of the Elders here recommend against having a "Quit Buddy".  If one of you lapses, it can be used as "permission" for the other to lapse.  I quit last May.  For probably 6 months after that, every time someone here posted about relapsing, I had strong cravings. And like you, I felt my resolve maybe wasn't as strong as I thought.  Even though I wasn't quit buddies with any of them, it made me sad and somewhat vulnerable.

Now I almost never have a crave, and can easily brush it off when one comes.  And I came to realize that before joining this site, I had dozens and dozens of relapses.  So in a way, I already used up my "permissions" to relapse.

And I also used to think that if I were told I had a short time to live, I'd drink and smoke my way into oblivion.  But I no longer desire those things, so why would I do something I no longer enjoy?

I have to admit though, I still get really, really sad every time I read about a relapse

[KTQeeyore]

You are doing great Annette! At 4 months it's okay to have those thoughts! Try not to romance that cigarette!

Smoking holds nothing for you! One day at a time! Don't think about forever. Just today! 4 months smoke

free is amazing! You should be very proud of yourself!    

[kristen-9-7-15]

I forgot to mention early in my quit, I would tell myself I can smoke when I am 80.  Ha.  Silly me.  No desire to smoke ever again.

[AnnetteMM]

Thanks so much kristen-9.7.15.  I feel a bit better knowing it's not too weird.  I do review in my head all the good things about not smoking.  Like my sense of smell, and smelling good in general, and not coughing, and I'm moving into a smoke-free apartment building.

[AnnetteMM]

Thank you TW517‌!  It really, really helps to hear that you used to think the same way and now you don't.  I so appreciate your sharing that with me.  It makes me more hopeful.

[elvan]

AnnetteMM‌ If I found out that I had one day left to live...I certainly would not want to waste it smoking.  Smoking is wasting your life and, while I understand what you are saying, we all own our own quits and we cannot allow someone else's relapse to take over OUR quits.  I know it isn't easy, I worked hard to stay quit those first few months and you have been doing a GREAT job.  This is a journey, Annette, NOPE is a way of life.  Being smoke free is a GIFT that no one can give you...you have to give it to yourself.

Hugs,

Ellen

[AnnetteMM]

Yes, maybe I was romanticizing it a bit.  I need my EX friends pointing these things out for me sometimes.  I'm so glad I asked for help!  Thank you KTQeeyore.  Hahaha "eeyore" I just got that.

[Bonnie]

You say the best things, Ellen, thank you!

[KymH]

I'm there with you. I kinda see it as being mad at my mom because Stacy's mom let her do the thing I wanted to do but my mom won't let me. I get jealous and even pout. This past weekend I told my wife it wasn't fair other people get to do it and she laughed at me. She then apologized and said she just didn't expect me to say that with a full on pout! I've realized my next milestone will be when I look at smokes with disgust instead of delight. I have a feeling we will see each other there

[Roller831]

I get very sad when I see someone relapse.  It honestly never was a trigger for me because all I could think of was having to do Day One ALL.OVER.AGAIN and Day One stinks!  THAT single thing helps keep my resolve to choose not to smoke.  

However....it is perfectly normal for you to have these feelings!  It is even better you are sharing that you have these feelings because that will help you protect your quit!  You don't need to say you will quit forever.  You need to stay quit for today.  

After some time, you may feel differently.  I know I would not spend my last day on Earth smoking.  There are far better things to do in my opinion than smoke.  I am sure you will get there at some point.

Just for today...

[AnnetteMM]

Yes, I want to pout and stomp my feet that it's not fair LOL!

[TW517]

"You don't need to say you will quit forever.  You need to stay quit for today."  I love that!

[marciem]

Hi Annette... you're doing great, and those feelings are perfectly normal.   I've felt that way, and seen lots of others express that same feeling of a "trigger" at somebody else's relapse.

I went thru them early on ... "it wasn't fair, they got to smoke and I didn't."   It wasn't until I turned it around, and realized deep down in my heart and guts that NO, they didn't "get to smoke"... they HAD to smoke (be it relapse or not)... while I no longer HAD to smoke.  That thought keeps me straight even today when those little niggling passing-thru thoughts hit (I smoked for so many years its a miracle to me that they don't come harder and more often!)... if I have ONE, I will again HAVE to smoke every 20 minutes or so. 

NOPE.

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Who among us hasn't had their little romance with Sickerettes? It would be entirely surprising not to have these thoughts. But "Thoughts are not Commands!"

/blogs/Thomas3.20.2010-blog/2011/04/08/romance-when-you-least-expect-it 

Triggers are not responsible for being triggers - period! I the Addict in Recovery must come to terms with my triggers one by one. This is just another one.

Quoting Sootie, "Addicts don't 'get to' smoke - they have to smoke!" You really know better than that Annette!

/blogs/Thomas3.20.2010-blog/2014/11/21/the-bucket-list?sr=search&searchId=fafa601e-ba99-4a10-b469-3c...‌

I promise you, Annette, when you stay the course, these thoughts become fewer and less compelling. I still get an odd thought once or twice a year and simple shrug and laugh it off! "What a silly thought!" 

Be kind and give yourself time!That's why we say this is a journey - not an event!

[AnnetteMM]

Thanks for the reminders Thomas.  It's just what I needed..."a puff away from a pack a day".

[crazymama_Lori]

what made it easier for me is when I realized that I'm not the weekend smoker, I'm not have one once in the morning smoker.  I can't stop at one.  So the simple answer is I won't have that "one."  And it's not the cigarettes really, it's the nicotine that I have a problem with.  cigarettes are just what delivers it to me.  We're in the same boat as the alcoholic.  They can go to the store right now and buy a bottle and go right back to what they've always done.  There's occasional drinkers.  We're of the rare breed that simply can't get enough.  I still think of smoking after being quit almost 2 and half years already, but to me it's no big deal.  That simply isn't part of who I am anymore.  I don't "need" it like I once did.  I can take it or leave it.  I choose to leave it because I know I can't stop at one, plain and simple.

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I never heard of that. (no quit buddy) I had quit buddies and we helped each other but recognized that each had his/her own quit and were responsible for it. If one of my quit buddies relapsed it reinforced me to protect my quit even more by any means necessary. It could happen to me if I ALLOWED it.  I was bewildered at times and wondered why?  It happens, but it is always a choice.  No one puts a cigarette in your mouth and forces you to smoke. /blogs/JACKIE1-25-15-blog/2015/05/03/slipsies-bewildered 

[Barb102]

I feel like that too Annette when I hear about a relapse. I just keep saying not sure I can do this forever. Just not today. 

You’re not alone in your feelings. I’m ok encouraging the newbies. But if something be longer than me is have no a bad time then I do too. If on that day NOPE is too much then JNT. Just not today. Remember Annette you have encouraged me at times. We are in this together probably forever 

Barb

[Kimshine]

I totally get this. I must admit that when I hear someone has smoked (lighting and puffing by accident which to me is a reset on a quit date ) or just plain going to buy a pack to smoke without claiming accident, I feel JEALOUS! I get that is my addict brain trying to take over again but the jealousy and trigger to just toss in the towel is STRONG. Of late, I have been slamming the door on thoughts of waiting till this coming winter to quit because I'm inside the house more. My addict mind has me thinking that "I'm dying without a cigarette" instead of the truth that "I'm dying with the cigarette. Then I start to think, who really gives a shit anyway!

kristen-9.7.15‌ thanks for your reply. It really helps. As well as the others. 

[kristen-9-7-15]

Kimshine‌

Get that thought out of your head right now Kim! You are not relapsing and waiting until this coming winter to restart. Nope, not gonna let that happen. You have my #. Don’t be afraid to use it! Is that thought gone yet?? Lol. I know you won’t lose your quit. It’s just your thoughts, nothing more.  

[desiree465]

Interesting post. I didn't really think about this before, but I have to admit that when I asked myself the question would I smoke if I knew it was my last day on earth the answer is yes. I think it means that we aren't "there" yet in our quit. But I think it's good that we recognize it because now we know it's something we need to strive for. Or at least that's how I feel about it. I need to still be very vigilant about my quit. I do have 2 quit buddies but I knew from the beginning I was doing this with or without them. They just decided to tag along with me on my quit journey. I hope they stay quit but if they relapse I already promised myself that I wouldn't go down with them. Easier said than done but that's what I am telling myself. 

[Kimshine]

You're right, I have no intention of relapsing. I have been romancing the thought frequently though. I know EXACTLY what I am doing and I'm using my tools to fight but then that damn thought just keeps coming back and it's relentless and it wants to win. I want to win though this time!

I do have your number and I promise to you that I will not smoke tonight. I think I may just need to call it a wrap today! Thank you for your support Kristen! 

[kristen-9-7-15]

Anytime.

[Daniela2016]

There will come the time AnnetteMM‌, when someone relapsing will make you sad, and you almost feel as it was your own failure (if you stay long enough with us), for not having been able to help them stay quit.

Thoughts of smoking?  Sure, I'll get them pretty often lately, but they are just that, thoughts, romance...Then the reality kicks in and you tell yourself, wait a minute, I am doing this, I am becoming an EX, and it is when I chase away these thoughts that I feel great about myself.  It is in your power to re-direct the thought, and keep walking your freedom journey, one day at the time.

[Sootie]

AnnetteMM‌ Although four months is wonderful, excellent, fantastic.....it is still early in a quit. You WILL (I PROMISE!!) get to a time when the LAST thing you want on your LAST day on earth will be a cigarette! You just need to give your quit time to "grow up" ....it's 4 months old...it's eager and it's excited........but it is still a baby quit and many of the feelings of your quit have not yet developed. And let's all hope your last day on earth is being delayed by your wonderful quit.

Stay Strong

[Giulia]

Relapses ARE triggers.  Absolutely.  Other people's relapses give us permission to smoke. Our addict brains say "Well, THEY did, so I can."  What we gloss over in that thought process is the gearing up for that Day One all over again.  The resetting of our quit clock, the eating of the humble pie when we come back to the site.  We don't really focus on that aspect at all.   And part of the problem I have with the cuddling aspect and the "don't beat yourself up" type of support is - if there is no personal penalty recognized, no responsibility taken for the failure - then a relapse is easily called a "slip" and we can just cuddle ourselves into relapse after relapse and then we become serial quitters.  

On the other hand people's  successes give us the strength to keep on.  It's really not hard to understand.  Failure tends to breed failure and success tends to breed success psychologically.  However, failure can also breed success.  If you relapse tomorrow I can think to myself I am NOT gonna be like you.  I don't want to go there.  And it can reinforce my steadfastness to my quit.  

I think it all depends on what we ultimately want the most:   To smoke - or to remain free.  Someone else's relapse only weakens our resolve  when ours is not strong enough to begin with.  

[JACKIE1-25-15]

 Beautifully stated.

I think it all depends on what we ultimately want the most:   To smoke - or to remain free.  Someone else's relapse only weakens our resolve  when ours is not strong enough to begin with.  

It is always a choice. To smoke or not to smoke. 

[Barbscloud]

Hi Annette.  Remember this?  I posted this April 1st.

Relapses have been on my mind a lot lately and see someone else just relapsed.   The success rate to quit any addiction (smoking, alcohol, overeating loss,etc.) is pretty dismal.  Of the small number of people who try to quit, only a small percentage seek help and even a smaller percentage are successful. Not saying I've given up, just stating the facts.  And we beat ourselves and devalue ourselves when it happens.  Unfortunately, medical consequences don't seem to be enough of a motivator or none of us would be smoking, drinking, overeating, etc..  To be honest I, I'm jealous  sometimes when I see a smoker that has slipped/relapsed.  What can't I do that and just start over again?

All the preaching in the world doesn't fix an addiction for someone else.  Somehow, sometimes, or someway something clicks and  "we get it".   Don't know if anyone can identify what that is and how that happens.  If they could, addictions wouldn't exist.  Instead, we're human. 

[MichelleDiane]

This thread has been very helpful for me as I too get the feeling of "that's not fair".  I am only 9 days into my forever quit, but I know these thoughts will come and do.  I am thankful that you started this discussion Annette.  I really think of everyone on this site my quit buddy as I take a lot away when I read the comments.  Make it a great smoke free day

[AnnetteMM]

Sure, that's exactly what I'm saying I worry about.  But now I see it just takes time.

[AnnetteMM]

Thanks for the reminder!  Much love.

[TerrieQuit]

This is a good blog. I will carry it and the comments with me today. I am picking up my quit workbook today and preparing to quit again, so...............I'll see you around!  

[kristen-9-7-15]

SO EXCITED Terrie!

[AnnetteMM]

Nice!  So glad to be part of your quit workbook!

[bonniebee]

I saw your name Terrie and thought I sure unorthodox "our " Terrie ! So happy you are coming back !

I do often think of your slogan "Don't quit on your quit !"

TerrieQuit‌

[bonniebee]

This is one good reason not to have one  quit buddy ! It is much better to come here and have many buddies and elders  !

[gmcculloch]

Hi Annette, I do understand what you are saying and I have had the same issue. For me relapse it is when I am too tired to fight the cravings that I find come when I least expect them. I am back off now and the only "quit buddy" I have is this website. If the relapses trigger you, then even though you want to be supportive, try and avoid those posts until you are ready. I also used to say if I live to 80 I would smoke again but being as educated as I am now, I know that is just the addiction monster in my head talking. 

The JNT is the way I have to go. For me this will be a lifelong battle and I can never let my guard down against my enemy. I relapsed after 10 years off because that day I was too mentally exhausted to fight the urge that for some reason would not go away after all that time. AT the time it was incessant and did not last just the few minutes that was normal. I do not want to die or get sick. I want to live a long healthy life and I think when depression sets in, many people have the mindset of what does it matter anyway - as they do with many things when dealing with depression. For me it's the battle against both but I am certain I will never stop fighting. 

[AnnetteMM]

Thanks so much gmcculloch.  I so appreciate your perspective.

[elvan]

I, too, have relapsed when I fought all of my craves...this addiction is too powerful to approach it as a fight.  It is exhausting.  I remember losing a quit that had lasted about three months and I started smoking again.  One of my coworkers asked me WHY?  I answered that I was exhausted, that I just couldn't fight any more.  He was a smoker and he had JUST quit.  I felt like I took the wind out of his sails.  Now that I have accepted that this is a journey and that I can't win a fight against craves...it's much easier.   In the beginning, I acknowledge the craves and tried to figure out why they were happening, then I just took another step forward.  You are doing this and I  really hope that you can see it as a journey and not a fight.  There are always going to be good days and bad days and smoking is not going to change that.  

Ellen

[AnnetteMM]

I can see that, Ellen.  It's not a fight, it's not figuring anything out, it's a matter of perseverance in the face of a powerful addiction.  You're so right about good days and bad...and that's true for EVERY SINGLE ISSUE EVER.  We don't have bad days because we don't smoke.  We have bad days because we're human.

Much love,

Annette

[IrishRose]

I never felt vulnerable when hearing someone else was not able to protect their quit.  I felt a disappointment for that person.  Guess I cannot participate in this conversation, because actually, I get angry when I here someone caved to the cancer stick.  I want that person who is getting ready to cave to feel the freedom, versus missing the addiction of such a disgusting habit/addiction.

Sometimes my mouth overrides my tact too, and that can get me into lots of trouble sometimes.  Sorry.

(((hug))) in advance for anyone I upset just now. 

Irish Rose  

[AnnetteMM]

I'm not upset at all

[elvan]

Guess I don't get a hug cuz I'm not upset either.

[TW517]

I'm not upset either.  But I'll pretend to be if I get hugs

[Sdavisfl]

Although I don't think I'd go that far, it's probably a more common thought than not. I was sitting here wanting a cigarette going through my emails when I read your comments. I still want a cigarette, but I think I can resist a little longer, mainly because there are none on my house and I'm not dressed to go to the store. I must be more like you,than I initially thought, because reading your comments gave me the strength to resist a while longer. Thanks

[IrishRose]

elvan , big ((((hug)))) for you too, Dear Friend.

[IrishRose]

Of course, you can have a (((hug))) , TW517‌ .

 Irish Rose

[IrishRose]

Irish Rose