Why Am I A Closet Smoker?

[ncolwell]

Someone asked me why I'm a secret smoker. I hadn't really said why, so I thought I would do that here this morning.

My husband and I have smoked on and off for almost our entire marriage of 6 and a half years. He was a smoker when I met him, and on our honeymoon I started smoking too because I wanted to be with him. I didn't want him to have to go outside by himself all the time. I know it was a stupid reason. I told myself that I would just quit when we got home from our honeymoon. I figured I should be able to quit after only doing it for two weeks. Of course, that didn't happen. When I returned home, I was diagnosed with pneumonia, and even though I had pneumonia, I continued to smoke. 

We quit a few different times. We used Chantix a couple of times, but after a few months we went right back to smoking again. I got pregnant with our son, and after he was born, I decided I wanted to smoke, even though my husband was dead-set against it. I bought a pack, and started smoking behind his back. It was easy, while he was working and while the kids were in school, I would spend my days smoking. I would take a shower before the kids got home from school, and then I'd stop smoking for the rest of the day. 

Eventually, I started coming up with excuses to leave the house by myself. I perfected the art of covering my body up so that no one could smell smoke on me when I got back. I'm sure I looked ridiculous. This went on for months. By the time my son was 9 months old, the guilt got to be too much for me. I sat my husband down and I told him what I had been doing. He was pretty good about it, and he even asked me if he could have a cigarette. We talked, and I told him that I would quit soon. He bought us both some cigarettes in PA where they were cheaper, and he seemed to be OK with continuing to smoke. Especially since I said I would quit soon. Quitting has never been a problem for him. He's the kind of guy who could smoke one cigarette a day, or even every few days, for the rest of his life and be fine. 

We quit soon after that. However a few months later, I started again, behind his back. I don't remember how he found out that time. I think I got him to buy some cigarettes after we went out to eat one night, and then I just never stopped smoking in front of him after that. We smoked for quite a while, up until this past April. 

I told him that I had decided that I wanted to quit. I told him a date, and he said, "Why don't we just quit now?" That made me angry because I didn't feel like I could quit "now". I convinced him that I needed the time to prepare myself, and the following Friday, we quit. We started using the ecigs, and he only used his for a few days before he was finished completely. I took a few days longer, and then I was finished completely. (Meaning, we both finished smoking ANYTHING AT ALL). 

I did great until the end of June. I started smoking behind his back again. He had told me that he didn't think I could really quit. He assumed I'd start smoking behind his back. I had already lied to him a few times, and I just couldn't bear the thought of coming clean again. I decided I had to figure out a way to quit smoking without telling him what I had done. I know it's a pride thing, and I want him to think good of me. Even if I don't deserve it. 

I'm using the ecig now, and it's working really well for me. I'm not ready to give it up entirely, but I'm working on a plan to decrease how much I use it. I really didn't use it much at all this past weekend. I'm really happy that I've made it five days without smoking a tobacco cigarette. I'm excited to get this far, and I know that I can beat this thing, if I can beat that part of it. 

Thanks for reading!

[cory-3-10-13]

Wow, thanks for sharing some of your story with us. I bet it was really stressful trying to hide your smoking addiction from your husband, I am getting anxious just thinking about trying to keep those secrets! I am glad you told us all about it, and I hope that lessens your burden a little.

I just want you to know that you DESERVE all the good things that life has to offer, whether you are a smoker or not! All of us DESERVE to be as happy as possible and to have people in our life that love us unconditionally. So please, please, don't ever think you don't deserve to be thought highly of! You are a perfect child of God and entitled to all the good things the universe can throw your way. Hold your head up high and treat yourself with all the love and support that you give to your children, because YOU deserve that kind of care, too.

Good job on 5 days without smoking a tobacco cigarette! Keep reading about addiction, it is a tricky thing, but something that can be overcome!

[SmokedOut041412]

The key to beating this addiction is to educate yourself on it. Please go read at the folling links:

  ALLEN CARR'S EASY WAY TO STOP SMOKING 

   http://media.wix.com/ugd/74fa87_2010cc5496521431188f905b7234a829.pdf

WhyQuit.com

quitsmokingonline.com  

Everyday, if possible you need to affirm your desire to Quit. In a strong positive voice say to yourself:

I am now going to commit myself to stop smoking.

I know that I have a lot to learn but I will learn it.

And then always remember this:

I JUST WANT ONE----FROM WHYQUIT.COM

I want one-no I don't. One sounds great-no it doesn't. Oh just one-not just one. If you keep thinking in terms of "one" this kind of internal debate is non-relenting-it will slowly drive you nuts.

So, don't carry on this debate. Don't think in terms of one. Think in terms of full-fledged smoking. The full quantity, the social stigma, the stench, the costs, the risks. I'm not advocating looking at them negatively. Just look at them how they were-really were at the end.

They were making you sick and tired enough of them that you voluntarily put yourself into withdrawal to break free from them. You did it. Now just keep them in perspective. If you used to smoke 20 a day, say to yourself when the urge hits that "I want 20 a day, every day, for the rest of my life, till it cripples, then kills me." As soon as you hear yourself say it in that perspective you will likely find yourself next saying, "What am I thinking? I don't want to smoke that way." That will be the end of that particular discussion.

My name is Teresa & I have been quit for 1 Year, 5 Months, 2 Weeks, 2 Days, 6 hours, 37 minutes and 9 seconds (534 days). I have saved $2,187.84 by not smoking 7,479 cigarettes. I have saved 3 Weeks, 4 Days, 23 hours and 15 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 4/14/2012 12:00 AM

[marilyn_marmac]

I'm glad you decided to try again. You are the only one that can make the decision to quit and you are the only one that can make yourself keep that quit. It takes determination, will power and knowledge to make that quit last forever.

I remember the days, only 2 months ago, of putting clothes over my clothes. I even bought a terry cloth hair towel wrap so he wouldn't smell it in my hair. I kept it all hidden in the garage. I was taking multiple showers a day and constantly brushing my teeth so he wouldn't know. In so many ways it was like having an affair. The sneaking around, hiding, lying, keeping secrets from the person I loved. So yes, I WAS cheating on him and I was having an affair..I was just having an affair with a cigarette instead of a person. The really sad part, he DID know! He could still smell and taste it on me and to him, I broke a trust and put a doubt in place. If I could sneak around and lie about one thing, then why should he think I wouldn't about other things?

But you can do this. Put as much effort into the quit as you, and I, put into all the sneaking and hiding. Read all the informational links so you will have the knowledge you need to keep your quit. Make a commitment to yourself that you will not let yourself or your husband down. Stay logged on to EX and blog any time you get an urge. Read other people blogs and you will find how others are dealing with their quit.  There is no judgement because we have all walked in your shoes one way or another. Belive in yourself and never let that belive slip.

[havoc2]

In my humble opinion, you need to disconnect your addiction from your relationship with your husband entirely. If you don't detach one from the other, you'll always use him as excuse to not quit, as excuse to relapse and this is rather unfair to him.
What I mean with "detach" is that if you smoke, you smoke, you don't hide it, you get over the feelings of guilt involving him. If you're going to be guilty, feel that way because of what you're doing to YOURSELF, to YOUR BODY. If you quit, you do it because it benefits you as individual, not because you have to prove him wrong, not because he can quit easily and you don't.
The fact that he can just stop is harming your ego, making you feel weaker and therefore you have little confidence in yourself to really quit. This also means he can't possibly understand what you're going through, because to him it's rather simple. So you don't rely on him for support, you have to rely on yourself alone.
And I bet a leg, that this lack of confidence you have extends beyond smoking, so that is what you have to work on, that should be your focus. In order to do that, you have to stop thinking that you gotta be better than anyone, or a better person for your husband, or as good as X person; your aim instead should be being the best you can be.
Maybe quitting is harder for you and me than others, but it IS doable, and you can do it at your own pace. This applies to any aspect of your life you want to improve.


 

[joyeuxencore]

Does hubby know you are using the e-cig? If not it is still a secret and can only get worse if you don't have to hide the smoke smell...I'll bet the antifreeze vapor has it's own special smell...YES there is antifreeze in them...

You can do this lady! xo

http://whyquit.com/whyquit/LinksAAddiction.html  

[ncolwell]

Thank you for all of your support and comments.

Joy, no he doesn't know. I haven't told him yet. However, I'm noticing that I'm using it much less than I smoked real cigarettes. I'm doing pretty good at cutting down on how much nicotine I'm getting, even though I'm still getting some. 

I'm not as concerned about the antifreeze vapor as I am all of the other hundreds of chemicals in regular cigarettes.