I did real BAD things to me in the past so what do they, the professionals, say to you or do for you when you KNOW that you’re an addict and still don't care? What CAN they do? It is quite common for this to be the case I think. At least I know quite a few folks that sure don’t deny anything. So they say. How crisp are the edges of a thing called denial? Can you lie to yourself? How would you know if you did do that? How do you get someone else to care about themselves? How much effort should an individual put into attempting to convince someone else to change their actions or to really change them? Can you really do that?
You already know it’s bad for you, and that it’s poison. You already know that millions of people die each year from it and that someone close to you WILL PROBABLY die from it, maybe even you! Is it a willed blindness or simple disbelief? Are that many people just stupid? Perhaps it is like being partially or even completely asleep. What is it that makes us WAKE UP? Do we? Do we wake up? Admitting to 30 years of chemical delusion is a daunting task but I really never had any trouble doing that on the intellectual side of me. I ALWAYS KNEW what I was doing and I ALWAYS KNEW that I shouldn't do it, so why?
Why would it be this way? We remember the big long string of what has happened in our past, at least of what we THINK happened? Do you think that your memory of the past is highly accurate? Can you remember feelings and recall feelings from memory? Write down your Christmas presents for the last 10 years right now. Can you do that? Is the thinking part of which you are the same as the feeling parts? Hmmm? I wonder if we might have some bad feelings hanging around or memories that call up some feelings. I wonder how much of that recall is accurate, could we be mistaken or wrong perhaps?
Did you graduate from high school or college as well? Congratulations! How many semester hours do you have of emotional training including the labs? Do you know anyone qualified to provide such training and if so what accreditation is there truly in emotional mastery? What percentage of the human population has attained emotional mastery?
Is smoking a rational activity? What benefit can we claim that we derived from the act? Please name one. Why the hell would we continue to do such an irrational thing?
This is what I have come to know and when I got to this point in my understanding of me EVERYTHING CHANGED.
I’m not DAMNED to remain a smoker until death!
I can and will change and I’ll bet I find need to change again, and again, and probably again.
I’m so done with not caring about me or just trying to ignore self destruction. I’m worth a hell of lot more than that! I’m not settling for that. There is no satisfaction in smoking. It is a deadly lie we tell ourselves! That really deep breath of fresh air I just took is very satisfying, so too is the awesome taste of food.
If we don't come to the EMOTIONAL realization FOR OURSELVES that we are each really and truly an extremely unique and valuable being in this universe and also find a new level of personal concern for that being, for ourselves, it won't matter what others say and do because we will just continue to do what we do. We will continue to smoke, or whatever, and feel like crap, and destroy ourselves and those around us until WE, until I, figure out that I actually want a hell of lot better than that. I want to live forever to be quite honest although this body is going to fall over at some point.
I have a great new plan, and I used the Daily Pledge Group as a big part of executing that plan. I don’t think I missed a single post there for at least 1 year straight. Everyday I deliberately brought my choice right up into waking consciousness and stared it straight in the face and I made a promise to my rational self AND to my emotional self. No matter what happens today, there is NO WAY I’m going to kill myself over it and especially not torture myself for decades and decades. If we get mad we get mad, there is a much healthier way to deal with it. If we get sad we get sad, there is still a much healthier way to deal with it. We can systematically change, RELEARN LIFE, by just moving forward day to day.
Please consider using the Daily Pledge, the more the better, as a tool to help you to FIX you. No one can do the work for you but you are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE! Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the answer to my very first question at the beginning is, NOTHING, there is nothing more to say or do. The CHOICE IS YOURS!
