Let me start off by saying this is just a rant.
Last night, I was chain smoking like whoa. I was stressing out over nothing, to be honest. I wanted my friends opinions on what they thought about me smoking. When I tried to get a hold of them, none of them were to be found. I planned on going to sleep around nine oclock at night but found I was too stressed out to sleep. So I took a drive. As I drove, and smoked some more, I tried to call my best friend. I couldn't reach him. He seemed to be avoiding me for the past couple days. In my stupor, I left him a rather harsh voicemail telling him to never call me again. Well, he called me and we got into it. After all was said and done I felt like an immature, ignorant fool. What else can I say other than I'm sorry? I was especially stressed out that I couldn't sleep. I just wanted to go out onto my back porch and smoke some more. I finally went to bed at twelve, midnight, and had to be up at four to drive my mom to the airport for a business trip she is leaving on. I didn't even do that. She knew I was stressed out and tired and that I've been dealing with a lot of emotional stresses lately. She let me sleep. Happy Mother's Day mom!
Anyways, I woke up this morning feeling emotionally exhausted. I remember someone telling me, .don't rely on others to make you happy, you're supposed to make yourself happy. But how can I carry myself with no one on my side? That's how it feels, especially now. I could have potentially destroyed the best friendship I had had in years. Why? I don't know. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was stressed. Heck, maybe it was the result of too much nictotine. But it's still inexcusable behavior to piss off an already stressed out friend. Right?
Today was supposed to be my attemped quit day numero uno. But after waking up and only thinking, where the heck is a cig!?, I instantly reached for a cig and a cup of coffee. Today is going to be a slow day for me. So I will be granted with stewing in my stresses. Joy... Well, tomorrow is my friends graduation and I don't want to be stressed at all. I have productive things that need to be done after I get off work tomorrow, but I fear that the thought that I will never talk to my best friend again will plague my attempts at not smoking and having a peaceful mind. This rant is rather stupid. As GM said, it's all abou YOU and YOU in this and take only the seconds as they come. I suppose I will do just that in the coming days.
