Based on a recent bout with pneumonia, I decided that if smoking was likely to eventually make that feeling a permanent part of my life, that's not gonna happen. I need to take every precaution in my life to prevent having to feel like that again. Not being able to breathe is NO FUN! Once that carton is gone, this is it! With help from my family, friends and faith, I should be able to get through this.
So as of last night at 9ish PM, I finally smoked my last cigarette. Now in the past when I had decided to quit, I usually got really nervous, almost scared of what was to come. I'm a tightly wound person by nature, and typically people with similar personalities to mine do not function well during withdrawals. But something felt different last night. I just didn't care that I was about to quit smoking. For once in my life, there was no concern that I was quitting smoking, so I kneeled down on my front steps leaning on the porch rail, lit up my final cigarette and took my time smoking. Once I was done, I said a little prayer, tossed the butt in the ashtray and walk inside. Rather than nervous energy and tension, I noticed my mind set was one of determination and the comfort of coming to terms with the fact that I am going back into battle against an enemy who had beaten me down on several occasions, and by Gods will this time it will be my turn to be victorious.
So there it was, it was time to go to battle again, but this time, something seems different, a calm confidence, a comfort, a determination, and a battlefield laid out by myself and no my enemy. Yep, that's right, we're fighting this battle on MY terms this time. Nothing else in life has EVER controlled me! Not drugs, not alcohol, not anything except cigarettes, my one single addiction. Sure I had used many of the other typically addictive items from time to time during my younger years, but only one stuck, no matter how many of the others I ever did, I never HAD to have them. No matter how hard I tried to shake smokes, I HAD to have them. I never liked that feeling. I want to be in control, so I'm taking my control back, and I'm fighting tooth and nail for it!
So this morning, I woke up calm and confident, not nervous, just determined. Went about my normal routine except without the cigarette. And oddly enough, it's been no big deal. Hopped into the car with my carpool driver, watched him light up, meh, no biggie, I got this! he smoked 3 cigarettes on the way to work this morning, I chewed a piece of nicorette. Got to work, sat down, got scolded for forgetting to sign my time card last Friday, Meh, no biggie, grabbed me a big ole fat cup of coffee, walked outside and sat down in the smoking area and soaked up some sunlight, no biggie.
Some would tell me to avoid my triggers, but I'm an outdoorman working in a cubicle, one of the things that gets me through the day is wandering out to the smoking area and chilling in the sunlight right next to the woods and enjoying being outside for a few minutes as a break, I have to wake up, I have to get into a car, I have to deal with my work and bosses, and the stresses that come with them, I have to deal with my wife, my kids, my family, friends, dogs, cats, etc etc. But I don't have to let any of those triggers lead me to failure. So why avoid them, why avoid even one of them? I can beat this. If I can't beat this without the one or two triggers I can avoid, then I can't beat it. If I can beat it facing all my triggers, then I got this beat.
And you know what. Here I am, facing all my triggers heads on. I'm not tense, angry, nervous, anxious, or any number of "bad" emotions or feelings attributed with withdrawals. I'm calm, confident and resolute. It's exciting, VERY exciting!
It's an amazing feeling knowing that for the first time in my life, I am facing smoking with determination, calm, confidence, and knowing that I can do it. I've always been told that when it's time, nothing will stop you, when you have your mind made up, it'll actually be easy. Well, I've never felt like quittting smoking was going to be easy.
Until today. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, free, free from addiction, free from dependance, FREE! Why am I so confident and excited about that? Because I can just feel it. over 12 hours, and I'm free!!!
I understand this isn't over yet, it's far from over, but I'm free, and I love it! Bring it on! I'm no longer scared to fight you addiction, in fact I'm fed up, I'm fed up with you beating me! It's my turn to win the war! And win it I will!
