Well What A SH*** Day!!!!! -_-

[carrie-cruse]

I am VERY, upset with myself today! And I dont know what happened here really I sat here and typed for almost an hour and then I looked up and something went zip and my whole page was gone so now I have to start all over which is very upsetting after my SH*** day.

So now to re-write all of my story .

My day started at the same time as usual, 530 ish, everything was going fine. I was spending the day with my oldest ( Matty ) and taking him to get a new hair-do to help boost his self esteme ( he has zero, and i dont know why, he is 6'8", long dark brown hair, beautiful brown eyes,). We had to reschedule his appointment last week to today, I had told the lady if she cant do his hair at 10 or 1030 let me know. She didnt. So we show up he excited and she says she cant at that time. ugh! the look in his eyes. But she did manage to sqeeze him in at 1230. Phew! Now he gets his new do! Well, she cut too much off, he wasnt very happy! Hes one of those kids that you cant ever see that handsome face because hes hiding behind a mop of betiful hair women pay hundreds to get and his is naturally beautiful. It's hair right? It wont take long to grow a lilttle, besides it looked reaaly good I thought. But what do I know I'm old & Mom. Well I'm a hip & up-to-date Mom too.  😃 Any way for the next 30 minutes he just vented about how ugly it was and how ugly he is and now "EVERYONE" will stare at his "hidious" face. Yea, lets say I just listened without looking at him. And by the tijme we got home I was just exausted from listening and hurt that he felt so bad.

We walk in the door, and "BLAST" , my Hubby, starts yelling at me because I took an hour longer than I said I'd be and that "I KNEW HE HAD SH** TO DO!" wow well excuse the F outta me! I said some not so choice words and went to my room to cry it off. My Matty grabbed me, hugged me close ( worlds best hugger he is )  and said " wow mom your actually crying over hair?" I just cried harder. I told him I just needed to be alone. He went away. In walk my youngest ( P-Nut ) and I just looked at him and said " REALLY CANT YOU PEOPLE JUST GIVE ME #) MINUTES OF ALONE TIME< GOOD LORD!!!!!!!!" and slammed the door in his face. =*( This was not very smart of me at all, considering he just moved back home yeaterday. And that the reason he wasnt living with me for the last 4 years is because his FAther says I am not emotionally stable. Well Wow! I really "F'd" this whole thing up good now! He will be texting his FAther or Step-Monster asap. UGH! Just 1 more dang reason to cry harder and for longer!

About 30 minutes of hystarical crying, my Mom knocks and asks if she can come in. I dont reply, just keep crying. She finally opens the door sits on the edge of my bed, rubs my back and says, " I know you seem to be having a rough day. But I wanted to come tell you on thing ok?" I still cried, no reply. She said "Carrie, I am so PROUD of you, you decided to do this "quit" on your own. Not for anyone but ourself. That is amazing of you and you too seem so PROUD." I was like yea, but I really just dont care about anythng right now sorry. She took my hand and said just calm down and lets talk this through ok? If you know me at all, my mom and I are very toxic with each other. Hense the reason I found "Boundaries to Live By". Anyway we talked for a while. I was still shaking and super upset. I told her I just need to go for a walk alone, no dog or kid, just me. I walked out to the garage grabbed a smoke from my Hubbys pack and no sooner did I round the corner I lit it up not even thinking twice about it! I KNOW BETTER! I HAVE MANY RESOURCES! But at that very moment I didnt even care.

Ok, so now my bad day had gone from bad to worse. I hate myslef for failing AGAIN! and even more the thought of having to come here and admit it to all my friends I have made here in the past 3 weeks that are so encouraging and honest and so very helpful to me. I hate lletting any down, not that I havent spent my lifetime letting my parents down. To day was the first time in MANY years I have heard my Mom say she was Proud of me. And I had owned my own home and ran a very sucsessful business of my own for 8 years. So It really meant ALOT, to hear her say that. And right after I "F" it all up????? UGHHHHHHHHH!

She had even bought me a week prize of a new purse and had a ring that belongs to my Hubbys dead Mother fixed and sized for me, since I have owned it about 8 years and have been too scared to wear it for fear of losing it or damageing it.

Any way......LONG BAD DAY!!!!! AND I MESSED UP BAD! I AM VERY SORRY!

So I guess this brings me to say, I will be starting over tomorrow come Heck or high waters. lol

And No my HUbby hasnt even said 2 words to me since he yelled at me. And he has NEVER done that EVER in 12 years of being together, so it stung pretty badly. And I wont be kissing up to him, I let him know I was going to be late. H ehad no need to yell at me in front of my kids and Mom like that. Sorry not acceptable.

Thanks for letting me vent out here. And I will be back tomorrow with usually POSITVE self.

Lve y'all and thanks again for your constant encouragement!