Ya'll...something has been bothering me so badly and I haven't got the communication skills right now to fix it or at least get it off my chest.
Both my parents were smokers and my mom still smokes. I live with them currently (27 yr old female, so its not ideal to begin with). It truly does not bother me when my mom smokes because even as a vaper the smell of smoke became off-putting. I vaped for a little over ten years, and hadn't touched a cigarette since.
The meat of this story is that my mom has smoked my whole life, and such has tried to quit while I was a child two or three times that I can remember. I didn't understand it then, and though I usually hold myself to impossible standards I wrote the misunderstanding off as "I was an actual child", so I forgave myself.
Week two of me quitting my mom looked me in the eyes and said "really? still? I didn't think you really vaped that much..." 😐.
YALL - she knows what it was like to quit and she couldn't do it (I couldn't if I had kids either to be honest). But really? And truly I think it wouldn't bother me if I didn't live with her and I could go through this on my own. Not that I don't want her support, but I would just move onto my next support system. Which I did. But it's still bothering me because she's getting annoyed that I don't want to talk (I can't yet - its still a trigger for me to think about that statement) and I can see her get visibly annoyed when I show irritation...GO SMOKE A CIGARETTE THEN WOMAN. 😩 I know its unfair to decide someone's reaction but like....you can still smoke so go ahead and do that instead of sit there and give me faces.
I almost feel like I don't want advice on how to handle it LOL I'm just so annoyed!!
I can't move out right now. I've considered giving up and filing bankruptcy, but that's not going to help me get out of the house at all either. I know you guys don't know me but I at least feel like I work very hard, and I haven't stopped working since my first job at 16 years old. I ended an engagement about a year and a half ago (he stole minor amounts of money from me to gamble, didn't pay his car note that I signed with him - I know🙄, and my grand plan to make him stop asking me for money was to spend all of mine...) and I ended up in my parents basement. I only recently forgave myself for being here so long, then decided to quit nicotine while I had this time and this free rent. Its been 19 days. It's not worth it to give up now but this living situation is causing so much more stress, and so I turn to my financials to find out when I can move out. After working part time for three months I'm realizing the debt I accrued while I had a salary is much harder to keep up with and moving out is not something rational to do in the near future. I took the part time position to get myself in with this particular city because they have great internal opportunities and great benefits if you're fulltime. I used my off hours to finish the five classes I needed to graduate my bachelors program. I did that earlier than I planned too which is pretty cool but I'm trying to be patient and wait for the city to find a fulltime position for me but it's starting to become impossible to afford existence.
Last time my mom asked me to talk we didn't get anywhere because she was afraid to hurt me and it was just me opening up which felt like poop because she wouldn't say anything. I just told her I needed to leave and go for a walk. I know she's trying to help, but it still sucks to have to deal with that right now. Between the financial situation, my current health (also tied to financials - even Obama care won't help me because I need mostly specialists), my 12 yr old niece staying with us for the summer (cue exhausted cranky nicotine addicted auntie guilt), living with my parents (my dad and I have the same coping mechanism so he's giving me space but I'm also a people pleaser like my mom, so we both want me to be happy and over this), and working what feels like 24/7 to make ends meet - I just don't know where to start 😣.
I think it's obvious by now that I need a therapist, but I can't afford one at the moment. My current budget is already ($17.00) over just from paying bills. That's with-out filling my gas tank!! I have a t-shirt business and an online yard-sale that I'm hoping will fill that gap this pay period.
Bonus point - I'm so glad I'm single and childless while I'm going through this. If you did this with a significant other or with even one child I commend you. My dog whines and I want to bite his head off - luckily he doesn't know that I'm telling him to go eff himself 😬.
The more I typed, the more I thought this seems like a totally normal growth spurt for every human - but its so hard to work through with out nicotine. I considered NRT because of the likely-hood of me going absolutely insane these next ten or so weeks but I've been getting the chills and sweats at night for a week now, which makes me think I'm so close to getting rid of the nicotine anyway. Does anyone have opinions on where I'm at and whether or not this would help or hurt?
If your read this far, thank you. This community has been a life saver for sure.
