Trying to cope

[catfish6]

I haven't been too successful trying to not smoke. I know I can't use this for an excuse and I shouldn't but we've been having such a hard time with our schizoaffective son. We bailed him out of so much. Lots of $$$'s. He went off the wall over the weekend and texted me so many abusive and hateful things. I can't even repeat the things he said to me. Horrible things and calling me things that you couldn't even believe. Too disgusting to repeat.  On a lighter note, we are going to do our kitchen over and by me quitting smoking well be able to pay for the kitchen:). The guy is coming out and I told my husband I will quit before we go to the showroom to finalize things. I think I'd like a beautiful kitchen rather than keep putting this disgusting smoke into my lungs. I know I can do it and what a nice reward that will be:)

[LouiseR]

I know it is so hard for you with your son. My parents and my family have and are going through this with my 52 year old brother like I have said before was diagnosed at 17 with mental illness. People who dont understand mental illness or have not experienced it with a family member do not get it. It is so stressful because it is issues with the mind. It would almost be better if it was cancer. Iknow that sounds harsh but unless you have lived with mental illness you do not understand it. BUT You need to think of yourself and get healthy. Do not use your son anymore as an excuse to smoke. I am here for you as are many. You can do this!

[elvan]

Louise is right, you can do this, you need to understand that you must take care of yourself, you must put yourself first while you go through this recovery.  I am a mother, I have a son who has struggled with clinical depression for years, he ended up self medicating...it has been a very difficult road but now I realize that I cannot fix everything for him or for anyone, all I can do is to take care of myself and the best way to do that is to stay smoke free.  Please do that for yourself, the kitchen is secondary, stop smoking to get healthy.  We are here for you.

[LouiseR]

I know it is not easy to quit smoking but if you choose to quit and know it is not always easy but are willing to work through it, the craves, the stupid mind games the nicodemon plays, you will find you can live without sickerettes and life is so much better. I can breath, I smell better and I have more money. I WANT you to be where I am. Never thought I could QUIT here I am over 200 days smokefree and am so happy.

[catfish6]

Thanks everyone. I suffer from major depression so I can relate to the mental illness thing. What I find hard to deal with is the absolute hatred that is coming from this 28 year old that we loved. We still love him but can't love his hatred for us. He's actually scaring me and I've thought of yet another restraining order. He has had girlfriends in the past that got restraining orders also. He's very violent and won't stop smoking pot which seems to screw him up more. I know I have to move on this time and we have to stop bailing him out. I also know I need to quit for me so I can be healthy. The kitchen is just some motivation for me:)

[annb]

So hard. So sorry to hear what you are going through. It just seems like it's all too much sometimes and a smoke is the only thing left to comfort. But what a lie that is huh?  Just makes things worse.  But we have to quit and give it time to find that out and really believe it. It's like we have to just take it on blind faith for awhile what everyone here says. I'm starting to see it happen. Baby steps!  I want to encourage you to take this journey with us one day at a time to take care of yourself. You deserve it. 

[LouiseR]

What does your husband say. I too suffer from depression. I am on my tablet and will send you a private message tomorrow. We can chat and i hope We can help each other. Please know you are not alone. We are all addicts and maybe I can help you move on to be smoke free. If your mindset is ready to quit then I can help you. If you feel too overwhelmed and need more time, I will still be here, I believe in you, waiting for you to believe in YOU!

[catfish6]

My husband is on the same page:). I look forward to hearing from you, Louise

[Barbara145]

One of the most amazing things about quitting is how much easier it is to deal with stress once you have really quit.  I find myself so much more rational when it comes to dealing with stressful situations.  I expect others will tell you the same thing.  God bless you and your son.  You  will get through this.  I have 2 sons.  Most children go through anger with their parents.  Most eventually come around.  The truth is they love us very much.  Take care.

[linda258]

Hi .. welcome back... your son's mental illness is totally out of his control and yours.  What he says and does is not who he was before the illness.  I hate the illness it is truly awful for him and for the family.  I wish that mental health services were better.

You can have control over one part of your life and that is smoking.  It will actually feel good  to think that you can control something.  Decide and make a decision that this is one thing that you are going to do for you. 

[LouiseR]

Hang in there. Hug your hubby. You 2 are in this together. I Know How hard it is dealing with the mental issues. Please know it is not your fault or your husbands. Cant really explain it, it just is what it is. If that makes any sense!

[Sootie]

Mental health issues are so very challenging and they do cause stress all through a family.

I KNOW that you know this......but I will say it anyway...........Your son does not hate you....your son "says" he hates you. There is a big difference. All of this is a part of his mental health issues. You know this...so keep telling yourself that. I hope there is help for him somewhere.

But smoking does not help----it does not make your son stop saying things that hurt you, it does not make you feel any better about yourself and it is seriously damaging your health.

Please quit and stay strong......nothing good EVER came from smoking.

[meme21]

Bless your heart! There is nothing more heartbreaking than watching your child, no matter how old, go through turmoil! BUT,  please remember that smoking will not help him or help you get through this. 

Actually beating this addiction will only make you stronger & help you deal with this problem. Feel the strength you've gained from standing your ground against this addiction & know you are better equipped to make quality decisions to help hour son...and get that kitchen you deserve!!!!

Stay strong & keep the faith!

Meme (3/24/14:)

[catfish6]

Thanks so much from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate the support so much:-)

[moody_9-18-13]

I have been away from the puter for a few days. Just want to add my two cents. I had to learn dealing with my brother in our younger years that the more we enabled him to behave badly, the worse it got and it nearly cost me my own mental health! That was decades ago, but I remember the pain of not being able to help him. Only he could help himself and unless he was deemed a physical threat to himself or others.

Just know this, if you will commit to quit and honor that commitment, sometime around 50 to 75 days the most amazing calmness will come over you. I have yet to meet anyone who has not experienced the calmness that comes into your soul and you never want to go back to that feeling of being out of control, needing a cigarette.

Do this for yourself. You will never, ever regret it. Your family will see a wife and mom they didn't know was hidden down deep inside. Most of us hit an emotional time around 90 days, we cry, we feel more feelings, but it's a great feeling of release, of finding the "real" in life...hope that makes sense. Anyway, best wishes and take care.

Moody, moving forward, day 214 of freedom.

[catfish6]

I appreciate everyone's support. It means so much. I have less guilt now. They were fighting my sons unemployment but he got it. Retroactive from early December. He can pay his bills now and he is going to therapy and a new doctor. Got this info from my mom today. We aren't talking to our son or answering any calls from him. We need a break. The things he said and his actions were so bad that we need to distance ourselves. Had a wonderful birthday dinner with our other two sons and my hubby yesterday. I'm going to focus on what's good. Speaking of good. Haven't smoked since 2:00 this afternoon. My hubby's bday is tomorrow so that's one if his presents:). I will do it this time.

[catfish6]

It was my bday that we were celebrating yesterday so guess it's a gift to quit for my hubby AND myself:). For my whole family:). I have so much to look forward to in life:)

[catfish6]

Still haven't smoked. Happy Easter:)

[elvan]

Happy Easter and Happy belated Birthday!  Your son is right about your healing being faster and better without smoking.  The decreased blood flow is damaging to everything.  I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself.  It is so hard to actually implement "tough love" that I am certain it is toughest on the givers than it is on the recipients.

Peace

[catfish6]

Thanks elvan:). I was in so much pain last night and today that we had to miss going to our future daughter in laws house for Easter. The doc said around 6-12 weeks the pain would get worse. Something to do with the healing process. I AM so much better off not smoking. Especially for this part of the healing. My hubby washed the floor this morning and I can smell how clean the house smells. After just one day of not smoking my nose is working better!! Thx for the support:)