How about THAT!? I am 52 today and for the 1st time in forever I can say "Happy Birthday" I am a non-smoker and a FOREVER non-smoker. I used to play this game with myslef and say "I choose to be a non-smoker now but I may smoke again. Who knows!". Hahaha!
WEll, I know. I am never going to smoke again. I type this with a little wave of anxiety shivering through me b/c I realized the last few days how fragile I am. I think I over estimated myself in this arena. Thinking I have not smoked for 2 months or so..... "chick-chock" as they say in Hebrew. "It is done". Finis. Godd-bye and good lck.
I really thought that the last few days were tough. I have read and printed out Dale"s NML piece. The thought of failing myself again and seeing that nicotined stained monster back in my life is too much to bear. I can't fail again! I simply cannot stack and layer more failure of this magnitude. The fear of that, the fear of cancer, the idea that I made a desicion and I am standing by it: all of it is keeping me strong. And of course, being able to blog out the garbage is amazing. You all really helped me so much. I keep rereading the posts b/c it gives me strength to know that people have gone through it, are going throught it..and nothing bad happens. IT'S IKE BEING RIGHT BACK AT THE BEGINING AGAIN. I have to keep saying to myself that just b/c I thought about it, or smelled it.... just bc I have to soldier my way through this, well, nothing bad is going to happen.
Anyway...it's 11 degree's out there without the wind chill and it's mighty windy. So I am trying to stay warm while not using a ton of heating oil (I think gemlins come in the middle of the night and steal our heating oil).Thank Goodness I am not outside poisoning myself on top of this weather. Wow.
Good Sunday to all!
