It took me a few hours today to realize that I was fixating. I wasn't having an obvious craving, but my brain was running through the playbook of excuses.... Every. Single. One. And then, my inner junkie was genuinely sad that there is not, and will never be a valid excuse to smoke. By that point I was just trying to observe my thoughts. It kept going though, and I realized I needed to nip it in the bud before I started playing the analytical game with myself. So I made it past that, and then, my husband has decided to switch to dip, so we took our roller and stuff to my father in law... I had no idea that just walking into their house was such a big trigger. I had to keep reminding myself "I don't do that anymore".
I had a long day, but I don't want to go back to where I was. I can barely stand the smell on my husband, I have no idea how my kids have dealt with it, even from random people in public. I have taken the stuff out of butts and rolled it and rerolled it until there was nothing left. I chain-smoked all day long until I had a migraine. Used to wake up panicking in the morning because phlegm was covering my airway. My life was scheduled around cigarettes. I was tired of being a miserable person in general, and researched for years how to change my personality. It turns out, all I had to do was stop smoking..... I am not going back to that.
