Today Sucks

[SaraPeach]

I'm about to wrap up my "day 4" in 10 minutes. So far, today has been a struggle. I know part of that is because it is Valentine's Day, which has me down. I keep thinking about how I could go buy some and smoke for a few hours and start over again tomorrow. That is what I was doing for the week or so before I quit this time. I would buy a pack, chainsmoke for 3 or 4 hours, crush the rest of the pack, not smoke for like 18 or more hours and then do the same thing the next day.

I'm going to go for a short walk. Hopefully that will make me feel a bit better. Thanks for listening.

[YoungAtHeart]

Here ya' go!

/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2019/01/10/car-quitting-tips 

[elvan]

You are prepared!  Never heard of Runts though...hmmm.  Have a great drive and a greater smoke free hike.

Ellen

[SaraPeach]

The day started out okay, but I was craving a cigarette from the moment I got in my car to go meet people to carpool. Normally, I would be chainsmoking until I get to a hike, knowing I would not be able to have one for hours. Drove 40 minutes, got to the carpool, carpooled another hour, got to the hike. Hiked for almost 4 hours. During the hike, one the regulars in my hiking group, who knew I quit 6 days ago, made some insensitive comments, like he often does, telling me that 6 days means nothing and that I could just cut back and smoke less and be fine. So then that idea was in my head..."maybe he's right, maybe I could just smoke a few a day..." and that replayed in my head throughout the rest of the hike. Then 4 of us went to dinner after the hike and the same guy announced to everyone there that I was a smoker. Well, I had barely told any of my hiking friends that I had been smoking and they see me as this marathon runner (even though I haven't run hardly at all in a year or two) and this long-distance, fast hiker, so I was super embarrassed and mad he told them that. And he again repeated that "6 days doesn't mean anything, that is nothing." Then a hiker who had just met me today said "What? You smoke? I thought you were some ultramarathoner." That just made me even more ashamed and pissed, because this dude just met me and screw him for judging me when he knows nothing of the hell I've been through the past 5 years.

So, what do I do? I went and bought cigarettes. Only smoked two. I know I let you all down and feel like I am just wasting everyone's time here if I am just going to keep going back to smoking. Sorry. It was too long of a day, too much driving, and way too much socializing and stress for me, with a lot of people I just met today. I should not have taken on all of that 6 days into quitting smoking. And i was so used to smoking on the way to and from long hikes, and I really didn't anticipate that being such a huge trigger for me.

[sweetplt]

You didn’t let us down.  You wanted to smoke and you made the choice.  Now learn from it, don’t beat yourself up and decide how you will handle this differently in the future.   Remember it was a choice to smoke, none of the excuses above made you want to smoke.  Please know we care and want you to stay and keep on trying to quit because one of these will eventually stick.  (((Hugs))))Colleen

[Beck37]

OMG you let that loser win? Pretend I am the emoji hitting my head against the wall!!!! I’m not going to beat you up although it’s hard not to.....

You let yourself down not us. Where is your fighting spirit? The one that allows you to be a marathon runner? Quitting is not any different than making up your mind to run some ungodly amount of miles to finish some race.  You just need to change your “tude”. The I’m a winner, I have quit kind of “tude”. 

I guess i am kind of beating you up, but you are a marathon runner so can handle it. You can’t give up. Yes you screwed up, but don’t let that loser define you. You are amazing! You are an athlete and capable of doing things most of us never will be able to. 

Yes you  are back to day one. I would suggest leaving your “friend” out of your quit journey as he is not the kind of support you need right now. 

Dont  to give up on yourself.... compared to running a marathon quitting is no big deal. Change your thinking and you will do it. We are all here for you!!!

Beck

[YoungAtHeart]

You have learned some VERY important lessons here today.  If you learn them well, those days you lost will not have been a waste   .I am glad you came and 'fessed up.  You are not wasting anyone's time.  I hope that you will start right back in.  I think you need to find a NEW group of folks with whom to hike - at least one without the obvious JERK!    He is not someone you want to give another MINUTE of your time.  You may have been a smoker, but I am pretty sure you are not an @sswipe and I cannot say the same for HIM! 

I am burning up just HEARING about his comments!

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and let us help you get it done THIS time.  Let me know if I can help.

Nancy

[JonesCarpeDiem]

her fighting spirit was fighting to smoke.

someone told her 6 days was nothing and embarrassed her.

she gave that persons opinion  power over herself.

[SaraPeach]

That spirit has been long gone and dead for quite a while now...

[SaraPeach]

Wow, what a mean response. I do not need this forum. I regret posting anything, just didn't want people wondering and wanted to be honest. Shaming me further is NOT helpful. Seriously, SCREW YOU.

[SaraPeach]

Huh? I'm a marathon runner so I can handle being beat up? Weird logic.... I haven't run in years anyway but why would that matter? I never even cared much about quitting other than it affecting my ulcerative colitis, potentially. Running marathons is way easier than quitting smoking. I guess I really just do not care and wanted to feel better mentally. Sorry you don't get it and want to berate and bully me. Bye, I will not be on this forum anymore.

[SaraPeach]

Embarrassed me? You have never met me, you asshole. You have no idea what I felt or why I smoked.

[SaraPeach]

How do I deactivate my account and delete all my posts?

[SaraPeach]

And NO, two fucking cigs does not put you "back to day one." I've done this before and it had no effect. You don't just suddenly go back to "day 1" after the physical detox is done. That's not how it works, sorry. It's not up to you if I go back to "day 1" either. You guys are all assholes.

[SaraPeach]

Yes, all of the above DID make me want to smoke. How do you know? Are you in my brain? All this forum does is invalidate people.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I was reiterating exactly what you wrote, nothing more.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

read what you wrote

[SaraPeach]

I never wrote that. Liar. That is NOT why I smoked. I was also in the town where my ex strangled me and bashed my head into the ground in December all day but I really do not want to share every personal detail of my life on this website with strangers like you. YOu think I'm some stupid little baby who smokes because she is embarrassed? I quit for 9 years, i am not new to all the addiction stuff. Whyquit helped me quit in 2009 but when i started again I realized half the stuff Joel says is WRONG. Cigarettes DO make you feel good, it is not just withdrawal alleviation. This makes it harder to quit when I know smoking actually did improve my brain to some degree when suicidal. There is a lot going into this that you have no idea of and your post was mocking me and shaming me.

[SaraPeach]

You sound like an abusive person. I know what i wrote.

[Beck37]

I am soooooo sorry. None of us were trying to be mean to you. We truly believe in you and your ability to stop smoking. We just felt that we believed in you maybe more than you did. Nothing I nor anything else anybody else was said to be hateful and I am just so sorry it felt that way. 

Please dont give up on your quit or this site. 

Good of luck to you. I truly do believe you are amazing and just wanted you to think so also! 

Beck

[SaraPeach]

you weren't even responding to me -- you were talking behind my back in the third person in a cruel way. You aren't helpful, you aren't nice. You're mean and a bully.  iwant my account deleted.

[YoungAtHeart]

Please give it some thought before you do.  You CAN do this - you just had a very difficult situation to deal with too early in your quit.  A LOT of folks here had many false starts before they were successful.

I hope you won't do that, but if you must, I believe Mark‌ can help.

Wishing you the best.

Nancy

[CommunityAdmin]

SaraPeach‌

I can deactivate your account per your wishes your wishes however I hope you would give it 24-48 hours before deciding. You’ve faced a lot, no doubt, and this community is here to support you. You can overcome this.

Sadly you’ve used some strong language at those who are here to support you. Everyone here deserves respect. Yes they don’t I know everything about you and  you choose what’s you wish to share. They do their best. You’re welcome here if you can follow the BecomeAnEX Community Guidelines‌

Mark

[elvan]

I did not read this until tonight because I wasn't on the site today.  I can tell you that I am so sad to read it now.  Clearly, Sara was attacked by the people she was with, starting with the one loud mouth who criticized her and said that six days was nothing...wonder if HE could go six days trying to be a human being.  Sara was in terrible pain and I suspect she still is, I hope with all my heart that she will come back here and realize that we are not judging her or berating her.  I relapsed so many times that I lost count...I have the lungs to show it.  

I am so terribly sorry that this happened and that all of us were not able to help her...she said she knew she let US down, we have no right to feel let down although I can certainly remember feeling kicked in the stomach when someone I really cared about kept slipping...my son doesn't seem to be able to stay quit but that is none of my business.  Yes, it hurts because I do not want him to hurt himself but it is HIS quit or lack thereof and I have no right to judge him or to make him feel worse than he does when he goes back to smoking.  I remember how terrible I felt every single time, I remember how much of a failure I felt like.  Well, now, after over five years of freedom, I get to live with results of all those "failures," believe me, that is more than enough and Sara has UC, not smoking is one of the best things she can do for herself.  My heart hurts...I hope she comes back.  I hope that everyone here can reach into themselves and be sensitive to others because we DON'T know anyone's story unless they trust enough to tell it.  I think her reaction was painfully emotional...I love everyone here and I learn from everyone, I sincerely hope that you all know that and that you understand that I am berating NO ONE, I do have that right.

Ellen

[Barbscloud]

@elvan thank you for you post.  Sara was really hurting and just need some support. Everything in life is not about smoking.

Barb

[MarilynH]

Thank you Ellen for this thought provoking comment I totally agree with you, I've also got a half dozen failed attempts at quitting smoking and remember how little self esteem with each failed attempt I really hope you'll stay. SaraPeach

[Barbscloud]

elvan    thank you for you post.  Sara was really hurting and just need some support. Everything in life is not about smoking. (My first post didn't go to you).

Barb

[SaraPeach]

I already messaged you privately days ago asking you to delete my account and you come on here and publicly shame me? Delete my account PLEASE. 

[SaraPeach]

I havent smoked since that night and it didnt set me back to day 1 or set me back at all. I appreciate the few of you who have been overly nice and supportive. This site is not a good fit for me though.

[Barb102]

I don’t know what happened but I’m so sorry you are upset. Please know that we would never hurt you. We will support you fully anyway that you want. I personally will do anything to help you anyway that I can. You have been through so much. You need to rest and heal. May you be blessed with peace and my kindness surround you

[CommunityAdmin]

SaraPeach wrote:

I already messaged you privately days ago asking you to delete my account and you come on here and publicly shame me? Delete my account PLEASE. 

Yes, a message was sent on Saturday but I only check-in on weekends and federal holidays. I will My response earlier was not to shame you but rather to acknowledge that our site has rules to which all members are held to in order to have the privilege to post here. I'll be locking this thread now and reviewing all posts tomorrow when normal duties resume.

As you requested your account will be deactivated after this is posted. I wish you healing and the best for a smoke-free future.

Mark
EX Community Manager