There went my resolve

[Baby-J]

So reset my counter. I was 36 days smoke free. I dont know where to begin so heres to day one everyone which hasn't even started yet. 

I stopped the chantix about a week ago. And I am or was doing good. Had some angry moments but got over them. But tonight was different. It's that time of the month and I hate discussing that because it sounds like I'm making an excuse which. I'm not. First off sorry this might be hard to read I cannot guarantee completed thoughts or sentences so expect lots of mindless self pitting thoughts. I want a second child. We live in a secluded area so the only interaction with other kids that my son gets is when I take him here or there. Which I love doing BUT that does not replace having a friend or having a sibling. So we have behavior problems with him. Mostly typical 3 and a half year old stuff but it all comes from boredom and loneliness. So before judgement I play with my son a LOT we do arts and crafts and imaginative play and the works..but as the pediatrician has pointed out to me I am not a 3 year old nor do i or could i ever possess enough energy to properly engage him 24/7...so we use play dates and believe me I have put in the effort. Anyway we have kept everything from when he was little up until now we have even stockpiled diapers in preparation. My husband is dragging his feet...he says we cannot afford it right now we need more space we need to buy a bigger house and yea he is mostly right. Except he is going to wait me into too late. Too late is when he waits another year when we are in the middle of a school year or another big transition in our sons life.

 For me it is we start trying now or we dont do it at all. So I'm sitting here alone with my feelings and crying because I am coming to the realization that we are not going to have a second. And my son will feel lonely for the next year or so until he starts school and builds relationships on his own..

I am thinking what's the point in my quit. Why did I do so much here all my effort to change my life and financial situation and my husband is still telling me.its not the right time that we need this and that first and this and that takes 10 steps each and we aren't on step one of plan A so fuck it...I also studied to be a registered behavior technician...classes were 100 i I thats doable...but then (I just found out) you have to pay 165 to take the competency exam with a bcba (board certified behavior analysts) 

Then you have to pay 45 to take the written exam then 50 to the BCBA to get registered so heres my pity party...the career I picked to be passionate about (helping kids with autism learn educational skills and social skills etc.) Costs an arm and a leg and I wont be able to even work without putting my son in preschool which would be my entire paycheck and we would be in the same boat of not affording to move or have a second kid. So I said to myself what's the point and fuck it basically. See I got so angry at my son the other night he was refusing to go to bed and I had that glorious reminder i had meantioned above that I was once again in fact not pregnant and oh yea remember now is not the right time because we dont have this or that and you never will because you can work anymore than you are and so you will never become pregnant and he would be my only and he would be bored with me because I am in a nutshell what we all feel in our darkest hours...not enough. I am not enough. I cannot work more than I am now without putting my husband in a position where he is one on one with our son from the time I leave til I get home. I am sure there are all kinds of solutions coming to mind for you guys. And you are right and he does take him out to parks and playplace too but still my son has one friend. And that one friend is awesome but the parents are super busy they just had a second baby 4 months ago so getting our schedules to match has been tough. I am just sad and I couldnt deal with it so I smoked one of my husbands cigarettes.  I am going back on chantix tomorrow or going to the store tomorrow to buy a pack. I hope I choose right. But I probably will just do both because well fuck the world.

[indingrl]

Thank you so much for your SELF courage and honesty- you are NOT ALONE in wanting to ESCAPE YOUR OWN REALTY- YOUR a RECOVERING NICOTINE ADDICT and you do what ADDICTS do they use- I did used AGAIN too- you ain't ALONE and you are NOW a non smoker living in YOUR REAL world with REAL FEELINGS and you are dealing with YOUR REAL PAIN - YOU blogged NOT using at this MOMENT- you will be ok- please take what HELPS and let go of the rest- to be HELPFUL is MY only aim- thank you- it was SUGGESTED to ME in early recovery to educate MY SELF on MY NICOTINE ADDICTION only- you are doing that and learning from this choice of using YOUR DRUG NICOTINE to escape YOU and it didn't change your reality - YOU have the wisdom NOW to know the difference and  if you CHOOSE to learn from it- your will know the next time your EMOTIONAL tired hungry and lonely to blog BEFORE you take that first PUFF over YOU- thank you so much for YOUR experience and HELPING ME to remember but for the grace of God go I. - TOGETHER we will STAY NICOTINE free - ONE MOMENT at a time - then one second then onevminute- then one half an hour and then one DAY PLEASE - blog all the time -  just to talk or vent or whatever instead of choosing to use YOUR DRUG NICOTINE- please give us TIME to answer - thanks for letting ME share MY experience in HIS love and service - gentle hug. CONGRATS ON YOUR NON SMOKER DAY ONE- Yahoooooooooo.  

[sweetplt]

I really have no answers about you having another baby because I couldn’t have children and lost everything but one ovary at the age of 35 years old.  I do know smoking won’t change anything.  Your back to Day 1...don’t beat yourself up...learn from it and see how you can do different the next time.  If you notice you were in NML (No Man’s Land) read Dale’s post...also, I suggest you read the post from oldboneslarry GARDEN..Hope today is a better day for you.  Gotcha in my Thoughts ~ Colleen 152 DOF 

[OldBones-Larry]

I'm sorry you are back at day 1, but you already know how you got there. I know it is very hard to keep a quit going when the world starts piling @#&% on you. Your own mind then starts piling even more on top of that.

Now, Pick yourself up and start over again. Try to figure out how to better deal with those feelings when they hit again.

One of the best things is to come here and ask for some help to get past the rough spot.

We are all here to try and help you through this.

Be strong and keep at it.

One step, and then another, will get you to where you want to be.

Larry

[elvan]

I hope today is better and that you can somehow get your plan to work...if your husband quit smoking TOO, you would be able to save a LOT of money just from not smoking.  My first child was an only child until she was 15 and then I had her little brother, when she was almost 20, I had her little sister.  I lost one baby in between the two.  I wanted my last child so much that I was consumed with doing everything recommended to be successful at getting pregnant.  I knew it would never be the right time, financially, I didn't even allow myself to think about our living arrangements.  Our youngest was born two months after I turned 40, she and her brother were really close when they were younger.  My oldest did not have siblings until she really did not care...things will work out the way they are supposed to in terms of having another baby.  Please try to relax about that and try to concentrate on your quit...not because you want to get pregnant but because you want to take care of yourself for you and for the child you already have.

My heart goes out to you, I know what it is like to want a child so much...I quit when I was pregnant but always went back to smoking. Now I have COPD and I have lost the upper lobes of both of my lungs.  I not only took time away from my kids to smoke when they were young, I am taking time away from them NOW because I have dramatically shortened my likely life span.  Take care of YOU, YOU have to come first.

Ellen

[Barbscloud]

I'm sorry you lost your quit, but don't give up and get right back on track.   I don't have any children either, so I really can't give you any advice about that.   The one thing that jumped out at me, was this sounded a lot like me at times.  Trying to plan everything and wanting everything to be perfect..  Don't get me wrong, planning can be a good thing.  It can help to avoid bad outcomes.  But everything is never going to be perfect in our lives.   Sometimes we have to let life happen.  I speak from experience.  While these thoughts are absorbing all of your time, you're missing out on living your life.  Sounds to me like you're a wonderful mother and doing everything right with your son.  Enjoy what you have, instead being unhappy about what you don't have.   I'm sounding preachy-not normally me.  Sorry.

Barb

[maryfreecig]

     I heard what you said-- that there is a lot going on in your life and that you feel overwhelmed. In my opinion, the smoking life contributes to being anxious about everything--a vicious cycle. It is hard to see this while still smoking--because smoking/nicotine addiction seems normal. It takes time to come out of this problem (for many of us). At the start of a quit, lifes problems can see too big, but they are not. I've said this recently, and I'll repeat myself--in AA, the first three steps go like this (and I think they are so true for smobriety too) 1. first we come (show up), 2. then we come to (become aware of the true nature of our problem) 3. come to believe (live a spiritual life, rather than a controlling, fear driven life...ur something life that).

     To start, just showing up is plenty good enough. And, it is also true that these steps are a life long journey. I am a recovered smokaholic, but I pray that I never forget what it was like. Today, I don't hunger for my smoking life, or for it to take care of my feelings. But I know this is a continuing journey. One day at a time is the best I can do.

      Congratulations for choosing to quit. You showed you wanted it and could work it for over a month. And congratulations for choosing day one again, rather than choosing not to care. Yes you can.

[KMC56]

BTW..`That time of month' IS taxing on us gals, physically and mentally!!

Food for thought...with you both smoking..that affects fertility on both parties.  Yep another reason to be smoke free!

I as well lived in a remote area in our early days, and play dates in the 70's were rare.  However, there is mom time; ie cleaning, dusting, folding...these are little tasks that your little one can engage in..they'll tire out with the busyness of mom time!!

Count to ten, read your child a book.   Remember they're attention span in minutes is equal to their age!!

You can do this!!

~Kathy

[YoungAtHeart]

Your emotions got the better of you, for sure.  What you need to do right now is figure out what, exactly, smoking did for you, besides reduce the temper tantrum in your head for a fix.  That's ALL it did. It didn't make one single problem any better, or help you solve one single one.  All it did was give you a hit of dopamine - and you can get that from a bit of chocolate or marching in place or singing aloud to your favorite music.   It put a cloud of smoke in between you and your emotions - but they were still there when you put it out, weren't they?

I don' see in your history where I gave my usual welcome to you.  At the very least, you need to read the Allen Carr book, "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking."  It is a fast and easy read, and does an excellent job of describing how nicotine affects your body and mind.

You can solve ONE of your problems by quitting smoking!  When you quit, put the money you are saving from not buying cigarettes in a jar separate from the family finances.  In not a very long time, you will have saved enough for your educational pursuit!!

PLEASE get right back to your quit - and ask hubby to support you by keeping his cigarettes out of your sight!

Nancy

[lqsi12]

Baby-J‌ Congratulations, your situation is common to many and simple, you have found a stressor that caused you to smoke.  Put that in your tool box for your next quit.  Raising a child is tough, marriage can be troublesome, and life in general is hard.  

In my lifetime, there was always something that caused me to return to my awful addictions, yes plural, for I have been though to many.  This legal one has been tough for me to stay away from, I was always thinking ( as others say ) that this will help me with my problem.  Truth is it just exacerbated some of my problems many times due to smoking more, and keeping me from attending events, being social, being around non smokers, yea they didn't come out and say it, but I knew, and even with my own child, cause I knew the effects of second hand smoke.

Bottom line is here I am again, trying to finish out my life as a non smoker of 100 + days, maybe it will improve my last few years, maybe its to late, time will tell.  

For you, well here we are trying to convince you that smoking is not good, it will not change your situation, it will cost you not only money but health, it will drive some away ( and you not even know it )

Please listen, we mean well, and your child deserves a healthy mom a long time !  

[jonimarie]

maryfreecig your statement "In my opinion, the smoking life contributes to being anxious about everything--a vicious cycle. I am so clearly starting to understand and realize this. Just begun to see how less anxious I am. 

[michaeldg79]

I am curious as to why you stopped the chantix so soon? Before you think I am judging you, I did the same thing. I took it for about a month and a half and I thought that I was doing so great that I could handle it. Clearly, from the fact that I am on day 1 today, I was not able to. Mind you that was several years and several attempts a quitting ago. I made it two years once. But I have found set backs every time. This time I am hopeful that I do it without drugs or aids. I only typically smoke when I drink but that does lead to me having left over cigarettes that I want to finish so I no longer have them. Until I go drink again. I need to conquer this obstacle. 

I have to say, the cost associated with you being able to work in the field you want seems quite low considering. I assume you have a masters degree already? I say suck it up and get it done. Even if you wait until school begins to begin working at least you are positioned to do so. Work might help to take your mind off of smoking. I know it does for me. Listen, I have failed as many times as I have tried. Don't give up. You can do it.  

[Baby-J]

I quit chantix because honesty I hate smoking. I never truly enjoyed doing it and while I was on chantix I felt so much better because I could feel myself finally breaking free from the addiction. But as I am on day one again clearly I was not ready. I also was trying to get off of it assuming that we were going to start trying and such is not the case. I guess I feel so pulled and so many directions and I dont know what I am doing anymore. I need to start by coming up with a plan my husband could be a bit more supportive of these things but the last time I brought it up he simply told me I was starting to stress him out and I have to say he is a wonderful man and works very hard he just is not a very big risk taker. He keeps talking about how he is going to start chantix I am not sure why he is hesitant.

I do not have a masters degree. To do the job that I want to do I would be under supervision of a board certified behavioral therapist. I am there to assist in teaching and carrying out the plans the behavior therapist delegates. I took a one milligram of chantix today. I will slowly go back up to two mg a day. Clearly was not ready to quit chantix. I am done with smoking and feel much like a fool for that ciggarette to get the better of me. Not discounting anyone else's quit but in defense of my own I am still counting up from day one of no smoking but tomorrow will still be day 38 of not buying a pack so there is that. I just dont know what to do and I think I just had a moment of weakness. That wasnt worth giving up so many days of smoke free. I don't know. I feel like I want to do so much and one thing is contingent of the other happening and nothing can begin without my husband getting on board. Its just frustrating. 

[Baby-J]

I agree with all you have said. I know that thought of oh I know how to fix my problem light up....I broke that cycle that is how I was able to make it this far. I didn't smoke because I thought in anyway it would solve anything...unfortunately the reason I smoked last night was because I felt my quit though it is in truth very large, I felt it belittle and what's the point of all this work. So I am expanding my goals and reasons for staying quit. Just need to come up with ones that matter to me and yes I know how that sounds. I am just at a low point in my life right now where even thinking of my health and how healthy it is to stay quit doesnt seem very important to me. Very moody hate this time. Deep breaths 1 2 3 

[Baby-J]

Yes that is why I quit. To have another baby to save money to buy a home. And thought he was on the same page. But it seems clearer and clearer that all these hoops and contingincis he is putting on us is fraud and the truth is I fear that he just doesnt want another baby. Day 1 here I come

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I am sorry that you were sad and made the choice to smoke.  For years we have used smoking to cover every emotion.  Sad, happy, sick, lonely, bored,  you name it.   I have concluded that as addicts we use nicotine to fix it but it is only a fix we are after.  We are addicts and we have to treat ourselves as such.  It will always be a choice to smoke or not to smoke.  I suggest that you make a list of all at least 5-10 reasons why you want/need to quit smoking.  When things get rough you have that list to refer to keeping it on the forefront can make a difference.  36 days quit is a great beginning.  I also suggest when you are having a problem, come here first before throwing in the towel. We will do our best to support you.  Just give us an opportunity.  Stay close. Read the suggested material.  Hang tough, never give in never give up.  Learn to protect the quit.  Quitting is the easy part.  Staying quit takes work.