I have been trying with ever fiber of my being to be positive and use everything that I have learned here, through what I have read, through a class I took and through past long quits.
But this weekend was just rough. I used the patch days 1-5 to take the edge off from the withdrawal. I did step 2 for 3 days and step 3 for 2 days. This weekend I took the patch off and decided to get all the nicotine out of my system.
No matter how positive and productive and busy I tried to stay I just couldn’t shake the super short fuse, cranky, miserable, want to punch something feeling. I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I felt so short with my daughter and my husband. I don’t think it helped that I was with my smoking husband for two days and although he tries hard to be courteous and hide the smoking from me, I know why he is "going outside."
I just kept cleaning and organizing the house. I cleaned out my closets, my drawers, my cabinets, my car. I was lucky I didn’t organize the neighbor’s house. Just kept trying to make order out of the chaos in my head I guess. I always clean and organize my environment when I feel internal disorder.
But yesterday was such a better day!! It was like a cloud lifted that I was beginning to fear was permanent. I had a really good day at work (well I work from home selling software which can be tough as well as I could smoke whenever I wanted). Then yesterday after work I went to the gym. I have a membership that I had not used in months. I did the elliptical for 45 minutes. My legs were burning but I just kept going, it was like with every rotation and burn I felt the stress lifting. When I was done with my workout I went outside and I took a deep breath and the cool fall NY air smelled so good. I could have sat there and smelled the air for hours. And in that moment I just felt nothing short of euphoric. The rest of the night I just felt great and today I am still feeling last night’s high!
I guess no matter how prepared I feel there will always be rough days and rough times. But the calm after this weekend’s storm just feels down right good. I hope all of you are weathering your storms to the best of your ability and enjoy the peace on the other side. Keep pushing and know that it will get better.
You got this!
Jaime
