I've already introduced myself here, but thought I share the more personal aspects.....
My name is Diane Mullins. I'm 57 years old & for 43 of those years I was a smoker. You know, just as an example of how our addicted mind plays tricks, until I actually decided to quit I would've said I had smoked for around 30 years - we really do push those negatives of smoking to the back of our minds!
I quit many times using various NRTs - hypnosis, patches, gum, Chantix, e-smokes, & of course guilt. Using "things" helped me to stop temporarily, but I always returned. I honestly believed that cigarettes were my friend. Ridiculous as this sounds, I would caress that long-desired smoke after a period of attempting to quit. How stupid did this make me feel? Very stupid! Did it make me put them down? No way - I smoked twice as much after my failed quit attempts. After all, it was obvious to me that "they" were in control, so I just had to arrange my life around that fact.
How did this play out? Well, I work with kids. Of course I wished to be a great role model so I had to be certain to put on fresh clothing if I had smoked & sometimes I sprayed the fresh clothes with febreeze to make sure. I added cologne to myself, brushed my teeth, mouth washed & added chewing gum. I'd smell my hands and if I smelled cigarettes, I'd rinse my hands with bleach. You see, I was so embarrassed to be a smoker and felt like such a hypocrite because I tried to encourage young people to live a healthy lifestyle. I teach English and also do volunteer work in impoverished communities and hospitals. One day I went to my job (at a school) after having carefully completed the "no cigarette smell" ritual above. I will never forget this: I was in the teacher's lounge talking to another teacher. She stopped talking and said, "Diane, do you smoke? I smell it and it really smells bad." I was mortified and shamefully, I lied. I told her I had just been in the car with a friend who smoked. I was later angry that "she" had put "me" in that uncomfortable position. Kind of twisted isn't it? After that, I became very careful not to stand too close to people, to look away when I spoke, or attempted to speak without allowing breath to come out. If I was out in public and saw non-smokers I knew, I would pretend I didn't see them. That way I could avoid contact and they wouldn't know the secret. I'll add here that these were people who were very dear to me. Eventually I just stopped going places where I'd be likely to encounter these people. I never invited non-smokers to my home - they might smell cigarettes and think less of me. I was ashamed. It was also easier to just stay home and lay around alone because I was plain tired & didn't have energy to do much of anything. I had my dogs for company & that seemed enough. Of course, I'd open the window when I smoked because I didn't want cigarettes to make my pets sick. This was my brain on drugs(nicotine)!
I never felt anything positive in smoking. I simply felt weak, trapped, guilty, ashamed, controlled. My willpower was never sufficient, which increased these negative feelings. NRTs just kept me longing for a smoke until I'd do stupid stuff like take the patch off, smoke, put the patch back on. Didn't want to cause a heart attack! When I used the e-smokes, I'd allow myself one "special" cigarette each day - usually my first in the morning because I believed my day would be happier that way. Of course before long I was back to my usual smoking routine.
Bottom line: All of the things I did and the ways I felt were indeed caused by my addiction to nicotine. I read the Easyway book, and knew this without doubt. I still felt the need for a more human type of contact, so I viewed the web cast which left me with firm resolve and complete confidence that I could & would be a happy non-smoker for life.
Here I am - 4 days into my quit. I'm sure skeptics would say I've barely started. Previously, I would've said the same because I was constantly pulled in my struggle to use willpower. Now I have no desire to ever smoke, and no need to exercise willpower. I will tell you that these four days have been without any sort of pangs or adverse feelings about quitting. I'm happy to kill this enemy! There is no void or anything to give up - I have filled a void and gained everything!
I'm so thankful to have found you!!
