The Life of a Secret Smoker

[tyler59]

Hello, my name is Bruce Tyler,Today is Sept 21,2019...I have stopped smoking for the last and final time.Over the past 5 years or so I have been an on and off again secret smoker.To me a secret smoker is as low as you can go,It might of been only a few smokes a day but it was the way I smoked them and the way they made me feel that has finally put me over the edge .Everyone knows me as a non-smoker...I quit about 6 years ago...but I have been lying to myself and everyone else.No I have not been smoking a lot..maybe 4 or 5 smokes a day which helped me justify in my mind that what I was doing wasn't that bad.It has been a roller coaster of a ride.You cannot believe the thoughts that go through the head of a secret smoker.One minute you are 100% against smoking and the next you are hiding behind the shed smoking a cigarette as fast as you can so you don't get caught.I won't even begin to account for how many packs I bought and then threw out only half smoked.I would run out a by a pack,smoke the first one and become mad and just crunch up the pack and walk away only to repeat this process over and over again.Being a secret smoker is also very harmful to your mental health as you struggle with the emotions of trying to be a relaxed and happy no-smoker one minute and fidgety shaky smoker the next.

Let me tell you a little about myself and my back ground.I am 6' 2" tall male about 210 pounds and in pretty good shape.I was a former US Marine in my youth and have always led a active life style.I drank a lot in the early years and also smoked a lot.Hanging around bars was just a part of my life and I saw nothing wrong with it..at first.By the time I was 30..I was married and beginning to take life serious or at least a bit more serious.I had a few run ins with the police for drunk and disorderly and even got a DUI...I started to think a lot about where my life was going.The years went on and when I was in my 40's I got a divorce ...Everyone thought I was going off the deep end but I showed them all who I really was..I stopped Drinking and have never looked back..I have been 100% clean and booze free for 20 years or more.I wanted to stop smoking to but this was a lot harder than the booze...But I was showing signs of maturing and being responsible for my actions.I lived a good ten years as a single guy.I was working long days and spending my free time mostly by myself as my new life style was keeping me away from bars and old friends.I was okay with this as I have always been comfortable with myself and spending time alone.I spent a lot of time reading,walking,riding bikes and cycles. .I ended up moving to Florida and 5 years ago re-married..We are very happy as I work part time Online and also work as an Airport Transportation Driver taking people to and from airports all over the state.My wife is a nurse and works for the state and guess what..she's a smoker.

I had been off the smokes for about a year..(2012)...When I came to Florida.After I met my wife and we started dating I started smoking again with her...Then I quit..then I started again..then I quit....You get the picture.I'm not blaming her for getting me smoking again,she was against it.So one day I announced the big Quit day...(2014)..and started my new life as a Non Smoker.Well it went okay for a while...3 days ,a week,a month...Than a cigarette...This was the point I started my new gig as a Secret Smoker.I decided in my mind No one would ever see me smoke again.I would work all day and then find a place to have a smoke which would make me sick but it was my little treat for working so hard and I looked forward to it everyday...I could always find a way to sneak out of house and have a smoke...I felt terrible lying to my wife and everyone else but a smoke now and then was worth it..or so I thought.I think what really changed my thinking about smoking was a book I read by Allen Carr..It was a completely different approach to quitting I had never heard before.After reading his book I stopped for a couple months with out any withdrawal's at all....But I slipped and started My life as a secret smoker again..Well Today is Day 2 as a Non-smoker...I am more determined then ever to remain a non-smoker for the rest of my life.I am going to discuss more on the life of a secret smoker later but For now I want to thank you for reading this and I hope some of you can relate..until next time ...Have a Great Non-smoking day!

Edited by Mark‌ for link solicitation.

[YoungAtHeart]

Welcome to our community!

By only smoking 4-5 cigarettes a day, you weren't doing yourself or your body any favors.  You were actually keeping yourself in a constant yoyo of withdrawals.  When you quit for good, you go through withdrawal, yes, but it has an end to it - and then the physical cravings DO end.  So glad you have made the decision to do  quit.  I'm really happy you read the Carr book - makes a world of difference to understand what smoking does to our bodies and minds.

For your further education, you should also read the posts here and perhaps go to the pages of folks who you think might be helpful. You might visit whyquit.com, quitsmoking.com and livewell.com for the good information contained there. @https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/best-of-ex has lots of blogs written by members of this site with their experiences and guidance. Here is a video to inform you further about nicotine addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpWMgPHn0Lo&feature=youtu.be.

I don't know if you are using a quit quit - but here are my thoughts on them.   I personally recommend the aids that don't let the addict control the dose such as the available prescription drugs or the patch. If used properly, gum, lozenges and inhalers are fine, but they need to be used only as a last resort after you have tried to delay and distract.   I have seen folks become addicted to them if they substitute them for every cigarette they used to smoke - just trading one addiction for another.  You need to start out with a plan to reduce use of them over time - which the patch does by decreasing the dose contained in them..  For the gum, you can start by cutting each piece in half, then in quarters, then sub regular gum of the same flavor in between, adding more and more regular gum.  For the lozenge, you need to start subbing a mint in between to begin, increasing the number of them over time. I do not recommend the e-cigarette for four reasons: 1) the vapor has been compared to the polluted air in Bejing on a bad day, 2) they just provide another nicotine delivery system while continuing the hand to mouth smoking motion,  3) the batteries can spontaneously catch on fire and 4) you can become addicted to that and it has not yet been proven safe .
 

The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced.  Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand in a place different from when you smoked. Maybe switch to tea for a bit.  If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to smoke so the view is different. Buy your gas at a different station. Take a different route to work. Take a quick walk at break time where the smokers AREN'T.
 
You need to distract yourself through any craves.  You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), put your head in the freezer and take a deep breath of cold air, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game.  Keep a cold bottle of water with you from which to sip. Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. Sometimes you need to quit a minute or an hour at a time.  You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits.    Get busy!  Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas:
 https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...
The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?"  Then DO it.  You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.

Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!

 Nancy

[SimplySheri]

Life is certainly an adventure, isn't it?  Welcome to our community and I hope you find that truly quitting smoking will only enhance, not take away from, your adventures   You can quit and I believe you know that.  We're here if you need us!

Sheri

[tyler59]

I know smoking 4 or 5 smokes was bad,,maybe worse......I have no problem quitting,I have only very light withdrawals...It has been very to stop again.It's not about will power or using the patchs..I don't miss it or think I'm giving anything up...If you have ever read Allen Carrs book you know you can quit without any withdrawals at all...It's a great book..Im not sure why I started back up after years of being a non smoker..but all is well again..feeling great great again.Clean and happy without any desire to smoke.

[PrimeNumberJD]

I think I've identified the problem, it isn't the drinking in your past, or the current smoking... you're a Marine! Go Army, beat Navy!

All joking aside, I'm glad you've found your way here. Since you are a secret smoker, your support chain will be very limited. 

I so love seeing Nancy's post, read it and live it! That post was my first hook to the community! I would like to add to all the great advice you've received this far. 

If a craving hits that you don't think you'll get through, come to the Ex and post BEFORE you smoke! Then wait until you get a reply and some help BEFORE you cave! You'll find that your cravings will pass in the time it takes for you to take. These actions.

One final piece of advice, specific for you (because you're a Marine). Take the hill, the hill in this case is quitting; see you there!

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I can relate. We think we are secret smokers but somebody NOSE.  We still stink even if we sneak and smoke. We may not stink all the time but somebody NOSE.  Congratulations on two days of freedom and Welcome to the EX community.  Onward...Forward  The journey continues...

[djmurray]

Welcome to EX!  I thought I would be the last smoker on the planet -- smoked for over 50 years and on this coming New Year's Eve I'll have been quit for five wonderful years (well, the years weren't necessarily wonderful, but being a non-smoker has been wonderful every day).  I would suggest you read Allen Carr again -- I read it a few times early in my quit.  The gist of it for me was that smoking is nothing, and giving it up does NOT mean you're deprived.  When I "tried" to quit, once for three whole years, I was the smoker equivalent of a dry drunk.  At the end of that three years of not smoking I got into a relationship with a smoker and within a month I was right back at it, because I convinced myself that it was my permission to give up being deprived.  This community has been my rock and remains a very important part of maintaining this quit.  Blog often and spend as much time as you can here in the early days.  You can do this!

[indingrl]

Welcome and CONGRATS 2 NON SMOKER DAYS - yahooooooo - WAY TO GO - gentle hug