That last big, nasty emotional trigger

[phoenix2]

After 3-4 days of an easy quit... this bad ole' trigger raised it head - SUCCESS. I was actually quitting, it wasn't horrible, I wasn't a basketcase. I was succeeding.

And damn, if that didn't wake up the dragon of fear... fear of success... because for me - success was always met with shaming, humiliation, dismissing, minimizing, criticizing... even taking credit for my efforts. The consequences of success were even more painful than failure for me - pick a normal milestone: marriage, graduation, whatever.

An odd reason, for sure, for a slip, trip, and relapse... but that's what it was. Hell, I smoked to hide some of my successes behind that wall of smoke, even. GO FIGURE.

Another thing I've noticed, is that the actual counting of days - I'm XXX days free - or it's been XX days since I smoked ALSO triggers a negative emotional reaction for me. Don't know what it is... maybe it's just more of this fear of success... so I'm not going to go all statistical with my quit this time.

For me, I'm either smoking or not smoking, I guess. Today is the day I returned to "not smoking".

[laura60]

I was just reading another post by a woman who is coming up on her 1 year quit, and she's freaking out too. I wonder if that's a common reaction, and if it's about fear of success or fear of getting farther & farther away from your old smoker identity?
If counting the days is a trigger for you, maybe you should forget about it. The only thing you really need to remember is "Don't Smoke Today", right? I'm on day 5, and I think in the early days of quitting, we are a little obsessed with it. I start thinking "Jeeze, get OVER yourself already!" So take it moment by moment, focus on something else you can do to take your mind off it. And here's a quote for you from a Really Smart Person:

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment". - Buddha

Hang in there! (that's a quote from me!)

[polly2]

Hey Phoenix! The brain is so much more powerful than we realize...The most important thing is that you are discovering your triggers and even more importantly, you are not giving up the fight!! I don't know if I told you, but there is a web site www.quitsmokingonline.com which puts the mental aspects of quitting into perspective! It's an easy read and will help you to understand your mind even better! You are a fighter Phoenix! You wouldn't still be here if you weren't!! HOOOOORAAAAAAAAAAY for you!! I'm here for you as always!!

[nan7]

Hey Phoenix, I can TOTALLY relate to what you are saying. I think fear of success is actually more trouble for me than fear of failure. and closely tied to that is the behavior of hiding behind a smokescreen. It is excellent when we can identify the problems, BUT the next step is to solve the problem.

When we fear success, it could be that we have expectations for a reward from other people. If in the past we have never received that "atta girl", we still feel the pain. I think we probably need to learn to reward ourselves, be proud of our selves, and not "expect" other to congratulate us. IF they do it is nice (purposely didn't use the word wonderful). But we have to take care of ourself........If we are "expecting" someone else to "approve" us, it is not fair to ourself and it is not fair to them.

If I don't take care of myself, why should I expect someone else to?

[charon2]

Yeah, I totally relate with what you are going through. This is why, this time, I didn't quit for anyone but me. I didn't quit for my parents who were nagging me to quit, I didn't quit for my husband who would sometimes ask about it, or for those random people I don't know very well who would think I was a "nice girl" until I pulled a cig out of my purse. I quit for ME! and it feels really different this time, because I am proud of me, and that is the most important thing. I actually think that quitting smoking is one of the most selfish things you can do in a way, because you HAVE to put everything else on a back burner for a few days to completely battle the demon. BUT..... it is a battle worth fighting, and in the end, you (and those who love you) will be SOOOOOO glad you did it.

I went through some similar stuff as you during my previous quits. For me, it was easier to accept that I had tried to quit smoking for a few days and relapsed, than to accept that I had thought I had quit for good, and THEN relapsed. I realize now how silly that sounds, but at the time, it was my brain just rationalizing why it was okay to smoke. I'm doing my best now to take out that metaphorical baseball bat and beat the sh*t out of those FALSE thoughts going through my head, the ones that are trying to tell me that it is OK to smoke. NOPE! Not One Puff EVER!!!

STAY STRONG, Phoenix!!! You can do it!! Sometimes, it sure feels like an uphill battle, but you can do it, and we're all in this fight together!!

[phoenix2]

Laura, I'm all FOR k.i.s.s. and also for just getting on with life and not obsessing and mucking about in the "quit" parade... I think it's counter-productive for me to make a deal out of how many days, whether it was a hard day or an easy day... that's just more soliciting attention - which will just pinch that old trigger (fear of success) once again. Mr. Buddha and I go way back - but it might be time for me to look up some of his writings again! 😄

Polly - thanks for the reminder, but I'm a-stickin' with my 4 years of therapy and that understanding of how my mind works. Starting today - I'm not AS at the mercy of that trigger. Naming it is the first step; self-observation and stepping back just a tad before "reacting/reaching for a smoke" separate me from the emotion...and hence distances me from the reflex to smoke on that trigger. Repetition = practice = learning.

Nancy - you hit the nail on the head; I am the only person that my success or failure matters to. Yes, my kids are cheering me on; hubby's quit begins today in support of my 8-1-08 start... but no, I don't "expect" anything except humiliation & put-down for any success I achieve - at anything. (I am not a loser; that's just my emotional reality...very different from externals...) The crack in that old emotional reality that I made by not smoking for 3 days and finding that emotional trigger is HUGE... and that kind of change is mind-blowing; much more to deal with than "just" quitting smoking.

Charon - I didn't have a problem accepting that I had a great, life-long quit going and then smoked. It happens. People continue the quit if they can... but I had to pause long enough to figure out WHY... before beginning again.

I like very much what Dr. Hurt wrote this week - the suggestions made here - and elsewhere - are just GUIDELINES and SUGGESTIONS... everyone's quit is unique...and that this is a process - a linear, time-based series of actions with a specific goal in sight. Quitting last Friday and smoking some until today... is ACCEPTABLE in my process of getting to my goal. It might not be acceptable to anybody else here - but remember, the only approval I need is my own right now!

Peace, all.

[charon2]

Yes, I agree, each quit is as personal as each person. When I said that I had voices rationalizing smoking, but then saying it was not ok, i was speaking about myself! I'm sorry if you misunderstood. I wish you the best luck in your quit.

[phoenix2]

No... no misunderstanding. Just explaining how my quit has to differ from the norm - i THINK...
most of the basics hold true, though.