Stupid Wagon...

[lauren02019]

I fell off of it this morning!  More accurately, I jumped off of it...and then ran screaming from it!  I had what was basically a "perfect storm" of stressful and overwhelming things take place all within an hour of each other this morning and as I sat in my car to regroup, I realized I had two clear paths: I could stay quit and keep up my 14 days of not smoking, or I could sabotage myself and smoke.  I took about 5 minutes and went through the reasons I should stay quit, how it doesn't improve the situation, I would be giving up my 14 days that I worked so hard for, I will need to detox from the nicotine again, etc. and I just said "f*ck it" and went into the store across the street from where I was parked (had just had my car fixed at the gas station) and bought a pack.  I smoked all day, and you know what, I had a great, great day.  It was super stressful because of part of my morning situation (work related) and other work stuff that cropped up during the day, but I was able to handle all of it with grace and wit.  I was so "ON" all day! I was happy, witty, loving my job, even coworkers commented on how chipper and happy I was today.  Was this from the little shots of dopamine I kept giving myself??  I think it was, and I don't know what to do about that because today was the best I felt at work since I quit smoking.  I want to feel happy and funny and I want to enjoy my job!  I know that cigarettes aren't supposed to be able to do that, so why did I feel so GREAT today??  As of this moment, I have not thrown the cigarettes out.  I also don't feel at all guilty about smoking.  I know I need to not smoke...I really fear having a stroke or heart attack or cancer, or developing smoking related lung problems.  But how do I quit and keep quit if smoking doesn't make me feel bad (as of right now) and I had such a great day that I am completely sure is correlated to my smoking all day today???  I could definitely use some help on this one.  I read all the usual websites and am well aquainted with them, I'm actually in the middle of reading Allen Carr's wonderful book as well. 

[lois2]

you are not stupid,  i thank i am happy when i smoke, i got some patches, to day i was going to quit,but did not put on a patch, work went crazy to day, gee i glade it is over for to day, we have a addiction, so we convince our self it makes us happy, come on lets quit,    ,

[jeannie2]

I was a happy smoker for years and always in a good mood. I smoked because i wanted to, i didnt need a reason to celebrate life with a cigarette. I felt great and no problem. I didnt quit because i didnt like it. i quit simply because i wanted to. I didnt have to quit for any reason but when u realized you also dont have to smoke for any reason then its great. Its a choice of how you choose to live. You can be free of it all and be happy just the same or you can smoke and take the chance it wont kill you and be happy about it or not care. You choose and decide many times a day what you want.......it really just up to you to control

[maggie_8-1-2010]

What about the 24/7 ball and chain you referenced in your profie?

Smoking a your choice.

[maggie_8-1-2010]

oops, I meant to type Smoking is your choice.  Best wshes to you.

[Sootie]

Why did you quit? Were you enjoying the cigarettes before you quit? Because what I found was that I was not enjoying MOST of the cigarettes I HAD to smoke because I was addicted. I enjoyed maybe one or two all day. I also was sick and tired of the expense,  finding places to smoke, avoiding social situations where you couldn't smoke (more and more of them) and feeling so "drugged out" by smoking day after day after day. All addicts think they are "happy" with their addiction. I am sure your brain was ecstatic today!!!!!! It had not been given it's fix in---what?  2 weeks?? Of course you felt happy--you gave it the fix it needs. And, because it was without for so long, tomorrow and the next day you may really enjoy smoking too. But after that, I would suspect, if you are really honest, many of those cigarettes will no long make you happy. The thing is......you can be very happy when you quit smoking. Maybe not after 2 weeks because that's not enough time to get over an addiction. But you will be as "happy" as you were today--------------actually, MUCH HAPPIER!!!!

[lauren02019]

Sootie, thank you for that perspective.  You're right, it's crazy to think that my brain can get back to its pre-cigarette thinking in two weeks.  I have a difficult time being patient.  How long does it take?  I know it's different for everyone, but ballpark??  You're also right that before quitting I only enjoyed some of the cigarettes, most others were out of habit and to deal with various emotions (boredom,  anger, etc.).  I'm definitely having difficulty keeping up the feeling of motivation...I know my motivation intellectually, but need to try to retain the feeling of it.  I am having a really difficult time holding out for the usual happy feeling I normally have, I've missed it terribly since I've quit!  There have been moments of that happy feeling, but not the usual long lasting happy mood I am used to and have been missing...

[ilovelucy]

The smokes didn't make you effective at work you did. Why are you attributing it to the smokes? You got it up for them, why? Forget it -- do it again without 'em -- they'll kill you.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

4 months.

and you just screwed yourself and reawakend the addict who wants to think all is well as long as they get their

dopamine.

Now, is everything ok?

[Strudel]

You wrote - I'm actually in the middle of reading Allen Carr's wonderful book as well.

I would say - finish it and then, if needed, read it again.