Some may say I really didn't blow my quit on 3 to 4 cigarettes in two days after my husband passed. I just wanted to keep things honest for me. I don't even like smoking anymore and it doesn't relieve my stress. Yes, I still have stress and things pulling at me that says take care of me now. Those days I want to smoke but it's the thought of holding a cigarette and pausing for a few minutes but not actually going through and getting a pack from the store. There are things I remember from my strong smoking days as I thought they were stress relievers to find out they were causing me to panic and stress out even harder. Some days I remember losing my voice and not being able to talk because the hacking cough would be so bad. Yes, my day routines have changed and my life had taken a drastic turn as well. You see I gave up smoking when I was placed on oxygen 24 / 7 and not able to get off since end of Oct / early Nov 2015. To me that is when I truly gave up this habit and had fits and bouts of frustration as I couldn't smoke again. Had to go through the emotions of knowing to either put them down or give up my life. I chose to hold on to my life as crazy as this road is.
I'm not saying anyone has to damage their lungs as far as I did to quit. It took a harsh reality for me to say enough is enough. Sometimes that lingering thought pops in my head. It's only a thought and not going to run to the nearest store to get a new pack. Hey when my husband died I originally thought there were only a few here and I smoked a couple out of anger and fear. Only to learn a few days later there was an entire unopen pack. I didn't touch it and gave them away. I thought it would keep me close to him and yell at him for leaving us. Well that did absolutely nothing and didn't bring him back.
Snow storms he would always help clean up the yard and driveways - boy do I miss him. I can't do it and I tried only to lose my breathe. Then I cried because it's something that holds me back and makes me wait on others to do. Then again sometimes they say they would show up just to find out they didn't is a real disappointment too! I wanted to do the things I can't do but have to settle with what I can do. Anyone else feel this way.
I know this post / journal is bit long but I needed to get my thoughts out. Sometimes floating in my head hurts too much with memories and other gunk....So please don't pick up another cigarette it will not help any of your thoughts. It will just leave you with regrets.
