Still sad, get me OUT of this pity party, this is SO not Ellen

[elvan]

I am so tired of feeling so sad, so overwhelmed.  I ended up signing the lease but made it a month to month and made the pet deposit get removed.  Not that I am running out to get pets but it is MY choice and no one else’s.  When I said I would not sign the lease, the landlord, who is my moronic son’s future mother in law, started to cry because she was apparently pushed into doing this rapid moving around of people by my son who SAID he was just so worried about us…he felt that he HAD to have us here.  She spent a great deal of money moving the other tenant out and moving my son and his fiancée upstairs to the other, smaller apartment.  She was leaving for Florida TODAY and could not go unless she had the money from the lease.  I told her he is lying, I am sorry if she believes him but he is lying.  First of all, he did not lose two weeks of work because of the fire, secondly, he is not worried about us if he WAS, I suspect he would be asking us what he can do to help.  He is manipulating everyone and I am very familiar with his actions, he has made my life and the rest of the family’s lives a living hell for ten years now because of drug addiction and prior to that because of lying and manipulation, etc.  I HATE feeling like this but I am afraid that I will never be able to forgive him for how he has treated everyone involved.  My husband said he has spoken to him and told him what a horrible thing it was that he did and that he is “terrified” to talk to me.  Too bad he wasn’t “terrified” to write that text because now the damage is done and it cannot be UNdone.  It is Christmas, I want to celebrate this Holiday that is so important to me, I want to be happy.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to feel happy again.  I actually may have to make an appointment with a counselor because I am not handling this by myself. 

My insurance company refused to refill my Advair, saying it was too soon, it was filled a month ago and I have not used any more than is prescribed.  I called them last night and the poor customer service rep called in her supervisor and they tried to do an override but the Prior Authorization department is closed until Monday.  Amazing, so they put ME at risk, they will not fill it before the 27^th.  I lost the inhaler in the fire and they got an override to refill THAT one early but apparently it is too much to expect that they could read their own notes and refill it again.  I will file a formal complaint with Medicare and will also report them to the Insurance Commission in this state.  I am at the end of my rope here…no, I am not going to harm myself, I am not even remotely suicidal, that’s just not my style. I am just worn out.  Tomorrow, I go to the dentist to have them repair the bonding they did in my front teeth in July that has fallen out.  It cost me $143 in July and they called to tell me it will be $137 tomorrow…WOW, a $6 discount.  I can’t afford to tick them off since I am still waiting for my partial dentures…the stuff will hit the fan AFTER that is complete…judging from all of the excuses they have given me, I am guessing by Spring that I will get to try to get used to the stupid things. 

I have to wrap some presents to get them in the mail to NY tomorrow.  It’s my son in law’s birthday, my daughter’s birthday, and my granddaughter’s birthday, in addition to Christmas, so I have to send the package NOW, should have done it last week but I could not get myself moving.  This is not going to be easy.  I went to the house today and, as usual, broke into sobs in the yard.  I didn’t even try to go inside. I need to do that at some point to look for some important things that may or may not have survived.  I am going to dry my endless tears and eat something and take a shower.  THEN, I am going to sleep, that’s pretty much my favorite activity these days…sleep, sleep, and more sleep.

I want you to know that I am not a fan of this pathetic person who is occupying my mind and body these days.  I plan to “celebrate” Christmas when my daughter gets here from Korea, by
celebrate, I mean get gifts, make dinner and try not to spend the entire day alternating between crying and sleeping.

You have all been so loving and patient and I am so grateful. Please stick with me, I will come back from this, I just have no idea when.

Love and hugs,

Ellen

[sparky26]

Prayers for peace and comfort . 

Love and hugs 

                 Donna

[Jaxson1-16-14]

I know you will come back from this because you are an amazingly strong woman who has been thrown one too many curve balls in a short amount of time! And I'll be right here with you forever, I ain't going anywhere!! I think of you everyday and you are in my prayers! I love you my beautiful friend! Many HUGE HUGS coming your way!!

[Brenda_M]

It's too much. It really is. I wish you had more people there to take things off your plate rather than heap them on. Hang in there...this isn't forever.

[John10forteen]

Good Job on the lease, I MEAN "REALLY", good job on the lease....... You gave yourself some breathing room without being manipulated into an unlivable commitment. 

Family=Toxic= Pretty Normal, Easy does it in that department, it's hard to get rid of those A.N.T.'s  (Automatic Negative Thoughts) in your brain but if you quit smoking...... you've already discilplined yourself to "one day at a time" and "I don't do that anymore" abilities.

You don't have to be social or nice to anyone but when you are by yourself, and those A.N.T.'s start crawling around in your head,  try to relax and diffuse, breath easy. When we get backed in a corner, we have to calm ourselves down. No one else can do it. A lot like CRAVES... no one else can stop us from romancing them into failure.

Just saying Ellen, You've been hit hard and you are cornered. You are a strong woman and you will do well, Until you get your own place... stay private (from family, not us) and get your master plan into action A.S.A.P.

Prayers and well wishes galore. Your 12th can be nice.

John

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I truly hope you are able to extricate yourself from this hell in a short time. Not signing the lease was a start. You feel your son honestly does not want you there and manipulated you into this place but at least you were smart enough to not sign on the dotted line.

I don't know if and when you will be able to forgive your son. The text was way out of line but I didn't understand that your son was living where you are and moved to a smaller place, etc.

Look at the whole picture. Keep your head on straight.

Keep coming here and posting. You have my number if you need to hear a voice.

HUGS

[MarilynH]

((((((((( HUGS )))))))) I am at a loss for words so I am sending lots of  ((((((( HUGS )))))))

[Junior7]

We are here for you!  We will be here to listen as much as you need to vent.  Sending hugs your way!

[YoungAtHeart]

I cannot believe how many things have been piled on you.  The fact your quit is still intact is a testament to your strength.  This WILL pass.  You have to believe better days are just around the corner.....

In the meantime, I hope the love from your friends here can help even just a little to sustain you.

Nancy

[Strudel]

Love, peace, and prayers Ellen. Keep venting here - I hope it helps a little at least......

Please - take care! 

[Newfound_Joy]

Ellen, you are TRULY an incredible woman.  The strength you have shown us all, and NOT failing your quit over any of these horrendous situations you have been put in beyond your control, speaks VOLUMES of your integrity and perseverance.  You are on my prayer list every single day.

Remember.....He never gives us more than we can handle.  (I know very hard to believe right now.)

DO NOT GIVE UP BEFORE THE MIRACLE.  It could be just around the corner.

BIG HUGS and prayers for you. xoxo

[xjamarkx]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Ellen.   It sounds like you've got a LOT going on. I will pray for your protection, peace of mind and for peaceful situations to come your way. You are so kind, and empathetic.
I understand the feeling a bit... one thing happening after another, family problems and other things.

Sometimes when we get overwhelmed we forget how big our Creator is   Be blessed.

[elvan]

xjamarkx‌

This was so long ago...I know three years doesn't seem like so long but it was, in reality, a lifetime ago.  I have clearly forgiven my son and he has come a very long ways since then.  I was in such a terrible place, I had lost EVERYTHING...all of my photographs, my paintings, my kids' baby things....even my Christmas decorations.  Most of all and still incredibly painful, I had lost my beloved cats.  I loved them so much and I was overwhelmed with grief.  My son was terribly insensitive and unkind at that point, he had his OWN issues.  That Christmas was sad but lovely at the same time.  My youngest, my daughter was due home from South Korea after New Year's but on Christmas Eve, there was a knock at the apartment door, I opened it and there she stood with the MOST BEAUTIFUL smile you could imagine...wearing a lovely red scarf.  I had not seen her in a year.  She just looked at me and said, "Merry Christmas, Mom."  I hugged her and I was sobbing in happiness and grief at the same time.  Believe me, I prayed and prayed for help and it came. On Christmas morning, I went upstairs to my son and daughter in law's apartment and I saw my son looking sad and frightened...I went to him and I hugged him and I told him Merry Christmas and I love you, I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what.  He cried and we held each other.  I gave him some cash for his gift...it wasn't that much but it was more symbolic than anything else.  He has been in recovery for some time now and he is happily married and working hard to get his and his wife's business established and I work for them...I need to get out with other people and to feel helpful and to laugh and share experiences.  I am a very people oriented person.

I had forgotten all about this blog, it was just about a month after the fire, the fire that took so much from me, the fire that has left me with post traumatic stress...nothing as severe as my husband's but nothing that goes away either.  It rears its ugly head when I least expect it.  Ok, I am crying now, can't get all stuffed up when I am getting ready for bed, I will never sleep and it's hard to get oxygen to go into your nose when your nose is plugged.\

Thanks for reminding me how far I have come and how, for a little bit, I lost my faith and my ability to forgive.  It was a very, very hard time.  I have had more than one in my life but that one was life altering and sometimes, it is hard to believe that I got through it, with God's love and help.

Ellen

[xjamarkx]

oops! I'm sorry. I didn't check the date. Your post here was in the 'recommended', or 'more like these' .. so I clicked on it, and ignorantly didn't think to see the date on it. *hand covers face*

I'm sorry for bringing up the past here - it wasn't intentional. But you said you were reminded of how far you have come, so that's good. Maybe there was a reason for me to blindly reply to a 3 year old entry. I hope good will come from it.

 

[elvan]

Thanks, Alex...maybe it was but that was such a terribly painful time and I deal with those losses every day.  I will NEVER get over losing those cats...NEVER.  Life goes on.

Ellen