...Minus the kicking part.
I haven't written for a while but I don't want any of you thinking I fell off the wagon. It's been 615 days since I quit smoking, chewing or otherwise imbibing the nico-demon. My lungs are doing a lot better. It will take approximately 17 years for my lungs to be back in good as new condish. Hell, that's 2 years less than I smoked and it's a good reminder to me everyday that there is consequence for every choice I make.
I'm a fatty right now. I hurt my back at Walmart and I just never bounced back. I'm like 200 lbs and at just over 5'7" it's uncomfortable to say the least. Drowning my sorrows in ice cream was definitely not the road I should have taken. C'est la vie.
Despite my mind numbing pain in my back, legs and stomach I'm going to get back on track with the whole paleo/primal thing. For me it works. I feel better physically and I feel better about myself. I'm starting March first with a friend who needs to lose about a 150 lbs. I'm not that bad off but I could stand to lose between 50 & 60 lbs. The stupid thing is that I did it last year. In Feb. I was on a strict paleo nutrition plan and lost 70 lbs. I was at my goal weight of 160. I was happy.
It's been a rough go this year. I was denied for disability and I am appealing the denial. I have so many physical and chemical problems that I should be a shoo-in for disability. But no, of course not.
I've been having a ton of panic attacks just out of the blue and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I can only leave the house for doctors appointments, I can't even go shopping anymore. My body is falling apart, all the drugs they have me on confuse me and cloud my ability to think, remember or even hold simple conversation. I've already had to delete lines of this blurb because I forgot what I was typing. Actually I'm not even sure how the hell I ended up on this page.
Glad I did though. This has been one of the hardest years of my life and I've had a damn hard life. But I am fighting all that much harder because freedom is a split hair away from my outstretched fingers.
This time I'm going to get it. I've let myself evolve, adapt, change. The anger that I held onto for so long literally just left like a puff of vapor. I just had an epiphany about holding on to the past and so I let go. Now, I am on good terms with both of my parents. They're divorced and have been They both talk shit about each other and I got tired of being the fucking ping-pong ball in their competition for... for whatever. Who even knows. Anyway, I just stopped feeding into it.
For the first time in my life I don't feel anger or rage. I'm less defensive but I know I have a long way to go on that. My D has been a pillar of strength for me these past couple years. Her mom too. I trust them implicitly but we are after all human so I keep expectation out of the equation and I'm never disappointed, or hurt.
You know, even when D snaps at me for something, which is very rare for her, I just let it run through me. I think about the situation and try to see it from her side. More and more I do(see it from her side) but there are times when she is wrong and I tell her how I feel about it. Good natural healthy relationship with two anxiety ridden, depressed people who have discovered that love isn't what keeps us together. Love is just an assortment of chemicals in the brain that keeps the human population growing. No, what D and I have goes beyond "love" we are committed to each other, fully invested, she is my constant companion and I am hers. Alone, neither of us would have made it through this life. We both have botched suicide attempts, none of them a cry for help. We suffer from anxiety and depression. I am bipolar and beginning to think border line personality disorder... but that is a story for some other time. Sufficed to say when I am weak she is strong and the other way around.
I don't know why I started this. I can't remember lol. I'm sure I just rambled on but it was pure. No filters. No worry about how I will be judged or perceived. That's the "little voice" everyone talks about. I guess I took the statement too literally because I never heard a voice but I do know this; I didn't need a voice because I was living with a pre-conceived notion of what people thought of me and just this last week I confronted people about it, even D, and there was no judgement. Only support, love and people wishing me the best.
I've been living in a nightmare fantasy world. Created by yours truly. Now that I know the little voice isn't a bloody voice at all it's cleared up a bunch for me. A less recent breakthrough but still pretty recent(past 3 months), I figured out that people can't read minds. I suppose if anyone ever reads this they will wonder what drugs I was on or how many drinks I'd had(I don't do drugs or drink).
What I mean is. I always just figured that people knew how I felt about them. I was shocked when I found out that some of my closest friends and family had no idea how I felt about them. So for the past 3 months I've been telling people even kind strangers like the nurse in the ER how I feel about them and how I view them and what wonderful beings they are and I am completely blown away as I realize, this is it. This is my life. This window in time and I have gotten to witness the most remarkable things. I have a new perspective of the people who share this window of time with me. Billions of people I will never meet and yet we will live and die in the same window of time.
I've gotten to see the internet from it's infancy. I've listened to music that just covers me in chills. I have loved and been loved. I got to share this little bit of time with Amazing people. Some I've met and others I haven't. I am surrounded by amazing people. I am surrounded by people who think I am amazing and as hard as it is to swallow. I can not truly live and be free if I refuse to see my persona reflected in those that I interact with. Yeah, I'm the guy that holds the door for people, I really want to help people, I want to meet people and share. I am not the monster I was brought up to believe I was. There is no anger there. Perhaps a little sadness. I wonder what I could have been with just a little encouragement. But that is the past and this is now and you know what? I have that support system now. I am 37 as I write this. Not really sure how that happened. 37 years I have struggled to survive on my own and now I have a crew in my corner. People willing/wanting to love me, and challenge me and keep me accountable.
Bliss. I guess I'll end with that.
~J
Sorry about the grammatical errors and run on sentences. I'm just super tired after a long day but I felt compelled to write this. Oh jeez it's 4 am. Yep later.
