Still Working Up to Quitting

[jestersnow72]

I discovered a mass forming on my body and am worried it might be cancer. I already have COPD and other health issues. However, I've chain smoked for the last 35 years. I knew deep down that I'd have to pay for it at some point. That's just common sense, but I tend to stuff things or gloss over things that I don't want to deal with or just can't deal with at the time. There's something in my brain that just does not connect when it comes to realizing how harmful my chain smoking is and how painful it is likely to be when it catches up with me. The strange thing is that one of my biggest fears is suffocating to death. I go to the doctor Friday to find out what this mass is, so I'll find out then what direction my life is heading. I just tend to stuff things and gloss over them. There's a block in my brain that keeps the idea of dying painfully from smoking out of my thought process. Something just does not connect when it comes to having to give up something I "love" and "need." Smoking has been my constant companion for the majority of my life. They're always there and we are joined at the hip. Cigarretes have been my best friends and my worst enemies. I just don't connect the negative parts of it because I obviously do not want to have to give them up. I don't even know how to do it. I read things online about how to quit. I've done my research but I've tried to quit in the past and I was totally miserable and don't want to go through that again. I'm in serious denial but it doesn't seem to bother me. I know these things are killing me but I just can't connect it to my consious thought process. It stays stuffed in the back of my mind covered with a veil of insanity. I'm working up to realizing that I need to quit but wanting to quit is something different and I don't like "having" to do anything. Only time will tell what is in store for me, I guess. 

[Barbara145]

Welcome.  So glad you found this site. You are an addict like the rest of us.  Most of us did not want to quit but we wanted to live.  The reason you "tend to stuff things" is  that is what cigarettes do. It stuffs all the good things too.  You can do this like the rest of us with the amazing help of this site.  Hope your mass turns out o.k.  Glad you didn't stuff being seen for the "mass."  Let us know.  Take care of yourself.  

[Barbscloud]

@jestersnow72 Glad you found us and obviously you are thinking about quitting.  What you describe is so normal for us addicts.  We knew we should quit and worried about the health consequences,  but we blocked it out of our minds.    Many of us have had scares also, but still continued to smoke.  By understanding this addiction and acknowledging that is an addiction, is the first step to taking this on.  It is not easy.   It took my 50 years to get it, so us quitters understand completely how you're feeling.  

I used some aids, etc. and was fortunate to find the Ex a week prior to my quit date.  I learned how to quit, I learned about nicotine addiction, and I learned I didn't have to do this on my own. The community was always here when I reach out for help.  And like many of us, I needed lots of help early on.  

This link will help get you started on how to create quit plan.   Knowledge and preparation have be key of many successful quits. 

https://www.becomeanex.org/guides/?cid=footer_community_linktobex

I hope you get good news at your doctor's appointment, but don't let that be the deciding factor.  Good news or bad, you can be the deciding factor.  Pick a quit date and start doing the work.   You can do it.  

Please keep us updated and stay close.   

Barb

[Kimshine]

The block you experience is an addiction to nicotine. Whenever I saw the commercials of folks with a Tracheotomy or pictures of black lungs, I walked away. I think most addicts do this. We know, we are killing ourselves but we don't know how to stop it. The fact is, we just have to quit and never smoke another.  It is very uncomfortable but there have been many before us that have done it so it is possible as long As you commit to being uncomfortable for a very long time. 

This is a great site for quitting. You will get a lot of support here but be prepared to face a lot of hardship and quitting. I smoked for over 40 years. Myself and I have had a lot of hard days. The good thing is that I think I'm looking better. My skin looks more pink and my eyes look more clear which is helpful. I don't stink like cigarettes anymore and I can still smell the shampoo in my hair after a day. 

Choose you!

[maryfreecig]

Thanks for baring your soul about your smoking. And what you are facing. I'm sure you are torn about quitting especially because your diagnosis is not in yet. I'm sorry that you are in this in between time--not knowing can be so very uncomfortable. Please don't bother to punish yourself for smoking/health. You have a dependency and it is broken with help, patience and a plan that you can live with. It would be your plan. You may have quit before and been miserable, but have you ever leaned on a community of quitters who will care about what how you are doing? Who will remind you that even though smoking seems like the most important thing that could ever be, you can overcome that tie. You don't have to hate smoking to quit. You don't have to pledge to be good or have happy nice thoughts about quitting. All you have to do is take it one step at a time, one day at a time.

Ex will be here for you if you decide to quit. It will be here for you if you get bad news or good news. 

Yes you can.

[MarilynH]

We're all here for you @jestersnow72 ,stay close and reach out whenever you need to or just want to vent we're all here to help you in any way we can, you can do this quit and you'll do it one precious Smokefree Day at a time or hour minute or even a second at time deep breaths and believe in yourself it's not going to be  easy by any stretch of the imagination BUT with commitment and perseverance you will perservere through whatever comes your way.....

[JACKIE1-25-15]

The law of addiction is what you are describing.  If you treat quitting cigarettes as withdrawing from a drug you may get pass the mental block.  Know the LAW! 

[Snowdoggie]

@jestersnow72 @Kimshine I think all of us stuff things or gloss them over when it comes to smoking. When I saw the commercials of smokers and their ailments on tv,  I'm embarrasses to say I wouldn't believe them or I would get annoyed and, go have a delibrate smoke. After I came here and began reading Exer's profiles it finally sunk in...it really does cause cancer, copd, lung lobe removals, and a host of other very real problems. I had already quit however before I realized it - I was just truly blinded by my need and want to smoke.

[jestersnow72]

Thank you everyone. I'll just have to get through this period of my life and do my best at this. Thank you for all your comments and advice. Hope everyone has a great day