I discovered a mass forming on my body and am worried it might be cancer. I already have COPD and other health issues. However, I've chain smoked for the last 35 years. I knew deep down that I'd have to pay for it at some point. That's just common sense, but I tend to stuff things or gloss over things that I don't want to deal with or just can't deal with at the time. There's something in my brain that just does not connect when it comes to realizing how harmful my chain smoking is and how painful it is likely to be when it catches up with me. The strange thing is that one of my biggest fears is suffocating to death. I go to the doctor Friday to find out what this mass is, so I'll find out then what direction my life is heading. I just tend to stuff things and gloss over them. There's a block in my brain that keeps the idea of dying painfully from smoking out of my thought process. Something just does not connect when it comes to having to give up something I "love" and "need." Smoking has been my constant companion for the majority of my life. They're always there and we are joined at the hip. Cigarretes have been my best friends and my worst enemies. I just don't connect the negative parts of it because I obviously do not want to have to give them up. I don't even know how to do it. I read things online about how to quit. I've done my research but I've tried to quit in the past and I was totally miserable and don't want to go through that again. I'm in serious denial but it doesn't seem to bother me. I know these things are killing me but I just can't connect it to my consious thought process. It stays stuffed in the back of my mind covered with a veil of insanity. I'm working up to realizing that I need to quit but wanting to quit is something different and I don't like "having" to do anything. Only time will tell what is in store for me, I guess.
