Still Trudging though No Mans Land

[Mward90]

I needed to rant and get my thoughts on paper to better understand them.  Thank you all for being here and allowing me to do so.

I am now at 163 days free.  I feel like I'm still stuck in No Mans Land or I'm losing my motivation but I think its getting harder.  The last 2 weeks especially has been hard.  Not only have the cravings been worse but my mind has been thinking things like "just one more" or "you are still kinda young why not smoke for a few more years then quit again".  And of course (mainly thanks to you all wonderful people) I know that is just the addiction talking.  It is using anything and everything to make me start again and I'm doing my best to acknowledge the thought (its just Mr. Addiction again) listen to what he says ("just one more") and come up with a logical reply (No Mr Addiction I know it would not be just one more).  So what has changed?  Why is it getting harder?  Lets see a big one would be we took Delilah to the vet and she does NOT have asthma.  Yay!!  Woohoo!!  The vet actually said her lungs sounded good.  So that's the best news we could hear, why is it making me want to smoke?  Because that was one of the main top 2 reasons I quit smoking.  I was so worried about Delilah's lungs and realized I couldn't stand myself if I hurt her with my smoking.  And logic tells me "Dummy, of course you have damaged her lungs and Diesel's and Daisy's and Dalya's even if the damage was luckily so little it is undetectable" but Mr. Addiction says "Look you didn't even damage them enough to hurt her, she's okay so go ahead and smoke again.  You know you want to."  Of course I want to but I can't.  I still know that smoking is not good for them and I still can't stand the thought of hurting them.  Boyfriend and I have been talking about some of those life decisions lately and as much as I don't want to admit it, it is stressing me out a lot.  We are trying to make decisions like do we want to live where we are or move?  Do we want to get married and if so when?  Do we want to have children and if so when?  And the very hardest how can we change our budget to start saving money?    Wow, talk about some serious life changing topics coming up and even more stressing they need an answer soon.  Work hasn't helped much either.  I am today on day 14 out of 20 straight days without a day off, and I am starting to feel the affects.  I am so tired because of working so much and not sleeping well due to stress.  Also it has been months since boyfriend or Mama has asked how my quit is going.  I LOVED when they would ask and I could tell them however many days or weeks or months it has been and they would tell me how proud they were of me.  But still as heavy as my little world sitting on my shoulders feels I know deep down that smoking won't help.  So now that I have all the things holding me down out, let me count my blessings.  I have a wonderful mother and father who love me so much (even if they forget the little details).  I have a great boyfriend who has stuck by me though so so much and we are starting to plan a life together (yes this one went in both lists lol).  I have 4 of the best 4 legged babies anyone could ask for AND they are all healthy.  I have a great job and my boss even told my new employee that she was working for one of his best managers (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!).  And lets not forget I have all you wonderful, amazing, awesome people here helping me out and cheering me on in my quit. So life is good to me and I know what I have accomplished (patting myself on the back).  Thank you all for always being here to lend an ear and speak a kind word.  Now, I got this!

- Michelle

[Barbscloud]

Your post sounded so down at first, but in the end it was filled with exciting changes ahead, wonderful people and animals in your life and a job you love.  And you have 163 days smoke free!   Good and bad times can bring back memories of smoking.   We smoked when we we're sad, but also to celebrate when we"re happy.   It's always good to remind ourselves how long  we smoked compared to how old our quit is.  You've learning a new way of life so be patient with yourself.   Don't worry that other's aren't still asking how many days you have.  We understand what a triumph it is to quit, so we'll be more than happy to celebrate your milestones with you.

Barb

[YoungAtHeart]

Good to vent!  We will always be hear to listen - it's what we DO!

You have a LOT on your plate - and being tired is a huge red flag for triggers.   Maybe before bed it would help if you write down three things for which you are grateful so they are uppermost in your mind.  Do some relaxation exercises (on YouTube) before bed.  Caffeine has a greater effect when you quit smoking - so be sure to limit it after late afternoon.  You can try some warm milk before bed (add a bit of vanilla and sugar if you don't like the taste).  It produces melatonin - or you can get it in supplement form.  Worst case is a Benadrl which has a sleepiness side effect - if you can take it.

The season is changing, too - and that, along with holidays, family dramas, vacations and other life events for which you haven't a lot of practice as an ex-smoker can be challenging times.

As you can see, lots of things going on in your life are associations with smoking.  You are doing GREAT to overcome them all.  Don't sell yourself short.  What you are doing in the midst of chaos is amazing!

Keep it up!!!!  Vent anytime.

Nancy

[MarilynH]

You can vent anytime you need to we're all here for you, you are doing great with your precious quit journey, you've got this quit firmly in your grasp YAY for Smokefree living and YAY for each and every Day WON with many more to come.....

[Mward90]

Thank you!  I think I just needed to get a few things off my chest and as you noticed I was starting to feel a little better by the end of my rant.  Now with all the wonderful comments I have received I'm feeling a lot better.  I have never been a very patient person but you are right I know this is by no means a quick task.  I think I strayed to far away from this site and all you wonderful people.  I had a few good months and kept saying I'll check in tomorrow.  Lesson learned and thankfully not at the expense of my quit.  Thank you again for your wonderful response.

[Barbscloud]

Do you take the Daily Pledge?   It only takes a few minutes and starts your day off on the right track!

[Mward90]

Thank you!  Thank you for being here with your wonderful advice and words of encouragement!  I especially love the writing down what I'm grateful for before bed.  That is a awesome idea and I can't wait to try it tonight along with the milk idea that sounds so soothing.  Thank you!

[Mward90]

Thank you!  Thank you for being here and your words of encouragement!

[elvan]

You are doing GREAT, I know it might not seem that way all the time but you ARE, working 20 days in a row is a nightmare, I am seriously impressed that you can do it.  I am really glad your four legged babies are not showing signs of exposure to second hand smoke, you are taking care of them.  Your mother and your boyfriend don't not ask you how you are doing because they SEE you and they can tell that you are doing great.  I used to announce my number of days or months to people, particularly to smokers, it gave me a certain sense of celebration.  If you are still "trudging" through NML, maybe you should try skipping or dancing!  You are doing this and you should be very proud.  WE are.

Ellen

[Daniela2016]

Find the one thing which relates all the good things existing, and coming up in your life: your quit!

It is positively impacting those around you, including your furry family members, it is going to be so much less stressful to be a bride, as you won't have to constantly take time away to go hide and smoke; it will positively impact your budget for a move or for a honeymoon.  And if your dear family forgets to ask you about where you are in your quit, then you tell them: "hey, today I have 163 days without smoking and want to share my happiness with you, my closest and dearest".Everything calling back to the addiction, you can turn it in your mind into something positive from your quit, exactly as you describe, that internal talking.  But you can also take a break from the thinking by moving your attention to nature, admire a flower, or look in the eyes of one of your pets, they are magnificent creatures full of love!  And you are so special to them, and they will give you back the positive energy you need! 

[maryfreecig]

Don't forget that Larry is the Caravan Master through no man's land. Have you read his blogs? I love to read them because they are about facing the journey one step at a time. It's easy to start wanting to race to tomorrow to get today's challenges over with. It's hard to trust one step, then another.

/blogs/oldbones-larry/2019/07/01/the-smithy by Larry

It's also suggested that if you hit a wall in your recovery, try something that you haven't done in a long while that worked or try something that is new. 

Yah, I had my NML blues, too. Drove me batty wondering why I couldn't just feel completely better.

I love how you talked about  Dililah's health being the reason for your wanting a smoke!!! Makes sense to me.