Just past 2 weeks with the help for NRT. For those diehards who only espouse cold turkey, god bless you. That tactic got me going to bed 100s of times saying tomorrow I quit only to fire up first thing.
Anyway, yesterday I found myself in an exquisite trifecta of physical craving, psychological craving, and existential crisis all at once. Pondering the "who is talking" question to the voices in my head, and even my name and personality, flying through space on an organic spaceship (earth) while believing that coffeeshops and netflix are real. I'm also grieving the loss of my marriage about 4 months ago, so this whole experience is a poignant dive into loss and grief - of love and of a lifelong friendship and neurosupport with tobacco - and at the same time, strangely, a call to life. Obviously under all the pain and tears there is a desire to live and thrive or I would not be putting down the one thing that has stabilized me during this time. And even to see that from a meta or distanced, objective perception of myself, is beautiful.
Today is the spring equinox - an equal balance of light and dark. In a way, I am hoping it is a metaphor for my time and progress on this journey, and for many of you who may have struggled through a dark soul of winter. Perhaps beginning today, there will be a little more light in the recovery from the addiction and all the fucked up brain chemistry and thoughts, from the losses of good times an memories of better days, from the dark fears of loneliness and uncertain futures. Perhaps today the hope of a better tomorrow, stronger breathing, healthier bodies, new friends or lovers, money, animals, or whatever you yearn for, will begin a clearer journey of moving towards you and find you and me on this path of recovery and reclaiming life.
Maybe today, there's a way to begin to make our time here as people with what life we have left, something that is at least as sweet as those first puffs used to be on the best days. So as the sun returns, let's mine for the light in ourselves too, stoke hope and gratitude, breathe deeper, dream wider - make this shit all worthwhile somehow. Hope it's a good day for you!
