Some Guilt

[becks]

This morning on my bus ride, I saw that woman again smoking with her young daughter right next to her.  Sadness overwhelmed me again.  And then guilt.  I felt guilty for the times I exposed my children to second hand smoke.  I felt guilty that I wasted money that we could have used for them. I felt an overwhelming intense feeling of guilt and then sadness and then I took a big deep breath in and let it out.  Later I texted my daughter as she lives in Hawaii it is my main method of communication.  I apologized to her and told her that I have been feeling guilty and that I needed to apologize.  Then when I came home, I did the same to my son.  They both are so supportive and accepted the apologies and added a thankful reply that I have finally done what they wanted for so long and that they are so proud of me and so happy I will be around to see their children.  Amen to that! 

I feel like the grieving process is definately happening for me and I am taking it a day at a time and letting what is, be what is.  I felt so much relief that I apologized to my children.  It doesn't change what has happened but I needed to apologize for me too... it is part of my process of healing from my addiction. It is a step in discovering the person I was meant to be.  I am still emotional every other day, and some days I still feel like such a mess but I am standing strong in my quit.  I will not smoke!

[bella65]

I feel the same Becks.I feel sorry for the people that smoke.espically when theirs little kids i was that person once and regret it now....

[lee76]

I feel you as far as the guilt things go. I dont have any kids, but I remember how I would always expose my younger cousins who greatly looked up to me to my cigarettes. One time my four year old cousin went up to my aunt and told her that he "wanted to smoke cigarettes just like Lee when he grew up." Thats the last time I ever smoked while he was around, even if he couldnt see at all. I also remember another time where my 16 year old cousin came outside as I was smoking, took the cigarette from my hand, and had a puff. I could tell she didnt inhale it thankfully, but I felt SO guilty. I know I didnt hand her the cigarette or encourage her to do it, but I felt if I hadnt been smoking, she wouldnt have felt the need. So it was great seeing her the other day and telling her that I had quit.

I was pretty emotional for awhile too and still am sometimes. But I can tell you that it does get a lot better. Day 20 for me seemed to really be the day that I started feeling less emotional. You get used to it and stop mourning the loss as much. It'll get better!

[robin112]

Great Job! I know that must have felt wonderful to get off your chest, and also rewarding as well! Keep up the great work! You did remind me that I probably owe some apologies as well. Day 18 for us, and so proud to not be a smoker!

[Mike.n.Atlanta]

Way to go Becks! Your children have forgiven you & it's a great feeling to get that off our chests. We can't forget those things but we can't dwell on them either. Work on forgiving yourself.

M n @

[melissa131]

yeah, I can totally relate to the second hand smoking. My son had ear infections, and I'm sure it was cause I smoke in the car sometimes and then when I smoke outside, I stayed right by the door. 

And when I quit drinking, I went through what you described and even a feeling of hatred, I hate to say it. But I saw a couple with their baby, in the grocery store, high and I just hated them, because I felt like, hey I had to quit doing all kinds of things when I had kid,, so should they., they were young. and I am older. I went to a meeting later, and told my friend about it, she said, we often hate things we see that are part of ourselves. That we also don't like. 

As Robin said, you told us about it and like when I went to the meeting, it's all part of the process. I try and pray for people I see on the street, when I am at my best, pray that they get the help I did. Unless they start yelling at me. lol. 🙂 I work in a bad part of town, I see a lot of stuff, people begging for money to buy booze and cigarettes, and not food or water. sad it is. The help is out there, it's not up to us to help people find it. 

[melissa131]

PS there is a step in the 12 step program which deals with forgiveness and it is a really hard step to work through. And we are reminded that sometimes the person we need to forgive is ourselves, in order to move on. and like you said it is all part of the process. 

[laurah]

Great job Becks!  That must have been a tough realization,  and I have been dealing with a little of that kinda guilt too.  My kids are still small and I pray that they will never remember me smoking, but I put them in harms way with my addiction.  What sweet children you have raised, forgiving and supportive!  Keep breathing easy, Becks, day by day-hour by hour. 

[lady-hyacinth]

Beautiful blog, thank you. You are healing, and growing, I am so happy for you. I know those emotions, and as you describe the guilt and the apologies I can relate as I am sure most everyone else here can too.

I found that processing the guilt, going through those emotions, helped me to move forward with my quit,...to really let go of all of it. There is so much more to this addiction besides sucking in the smoke. There is a big ripple affect, like when you toss a stone into a pond.

Thank you for blogging about this.

[AnthonyAMorton]

Good morning,

Good job Becks,Now that you mention it I think I owe my kids an apology too. I never smoke in the house or the car, but sometimes in the garage when it's raining. I never meant to put them in harms way.Thanks for your beautiful blog.Remember smoke free is the way to be!