Smoking and Personality Change?

[ltbrown022]

Today is day 135 for me. For those of you who have read my post and comments to others you know that the biggest struggle has been my emotions. While I have come a long way and I am proud of myself, I still feel out of sorts. I have gotten things under control in the fact that I don’t burst out into tears, I’m not sad and down all the time, I can feel the anxiety coming and I can tell it to stop and go away. I have some good days and I have some bad days, but everyday I have to try to.  When I smoked it seemed my happiness and joy came easily, effortlessly and now it’s kind of a battle. I am more paranoid than I ever was and I overthink everything. A few of my friends have mentioned that I am not my joking, sarcastic fun-loving self, and they are right. I’m not. I slip into being quiet and serious and paranoid that my friends don’t want me around etc... without even really noticing. My friends will say to each other “oh she’s having a good day,” or “oh she’s having a bad day.” Nice that they care but also stressful to have people constantly monitoring my behavior. 

I’m scared that this is the new me. I don’t like this person. I want to be the way I was. I don’t think I’m depressed anymore like I was in the beginning of my quit, but things are still hard. Did this happen to anyone else? I just want reassurance that in more time my personality will return. I’ve read in many places that personalities tend to improve quitting but in my case I think it’s the opposite. 

[YoungAtHeart]

You aren't totally through your quit journey yet, but seems to me your feeling of well being should be improving.  A good number of us with mental health challenges self-medicated with nicotine.  You might want to have a talk with your doctor about the changes you are noticing.

Wondering, too, if you have tried regular exercise.  That ALWAYS makes me feel better.

Congrats on 134 days!!!

Nancy

[constanceclum]

So your are doing better-not depressed like you were when you first quit. Progress, so I think you will eventually get back to your old laughing self. It just takes time. Seems to me, I remember hearing that smoking depletes our natural dopamine and it takes time after quitting for the brain to start supplying it again.

Connie 

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[indingrl]

Thanks for sharing your SELF honesty and courage - no worries YOU will be ok - CONGRATS on 135 NON SMOKING DAYS - it's ok to sharing with YOUR friends YOUR dealing with readjusting to YOUR life as a non smoker and dealing with NEW thinking NEW ideas NEW patterns NEW habits NEW coping skills NEW healthy thinking and this takes YOU TIME to learn and accept and learning NEW breathing and coping with YOUR inner self ever changing to remain NICOTINE FREE while becoming willing to admit CHANGE is hard and painful yet YOU are overcoming YOUR OLD way of thinking to YOUR NEW WAY of thinking to cope with ALL YOUR emotions ONE at a time - we are NOT people PLEASING or desiring people approval TODAY we are choosing to cope without our DRUG NICOTINE because WE have a NEW MINDSET - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER OVER OLD ME or people or opinions and to be gentle and loving with YOURSELF first - go to the bathroom - 3 deep breathes - take whatever tool's YOU have out of YOUR first aid kit and say a prayer or blog a quick note - help I am emotional deranged at the moment at work- then wait for loving help to answer in time - and ask your friends for support - DO whatever YOU do for friends to encourage them - DO that for YOURSELF - YOUR worth it- living NICOTINE free - thanks for letting ME share and please take what HELPS and let go of the rest- to be HELPFUL is MY only aim- thank you - gentle hug       

[sweetplt]

This is my third and last quit...my first quit was when I was 38 years old and I felt my personality drastically changed...same as you, not my happy self, etc., after I lost that quit, I returned to me...then I quit again and ended up with a two brain aneurysm’s and high blood pressure...I lost that quit...and 4 years ago I went back to smoking...but not everyday ... I hated it...and had worked through many life issues...and knew I no longer wanted to smoke...and I could still be that person...even though I had changed much through my aneurysms....my personal opinion...you still have issues to work through about you...and what would make you happy...right now me walking the dog...gets me laughing and happy...please don’t take it bad...this is part of the journey...and I think if you stay quit...and NMW NOPE...you will find that happy you back...once you have truly accepted your quit...Congratulations on 135 days quit...~ Colleen 247 DOF 

Remember we smoked through many of our feelings...Gotcha in my thoughts ~

[PrimeNumberJD]

You had me at 135 days, great job! While I cannot address your freedom, my 35 DOF is envious, and better yet, you are on the far side of NML! 

[elvan]

I think you are struggling with your feelings because you were so used to nicotine manipulating them and making you THINK you were happier and easy going.  Your addiction will tell you that and it's your job to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.  Certainly, you had bad days when you smoked as well.  I think you might want to see a doctor about an antidepressant to get you over this..  Life really IS better as an ex smoker, it takes time and some take longer than others.  Your friends are NOT particularly helpful...are they smokers?  I remember quitting at one time and my friends acted like I had changed completely too...they were not supportive, they all smoked.  They are still my friends and they still smoke, they know that I don't and that I won't...if they want to talk about it, I will refer them to EX, it got me through some seriously difficult times.

Hang in there, don't give up.  Exercise to release your own dopamine, watch funny videos, give yourself a break.

Congratulations on how far you have come.

Ellen

[BoomBoomPants]

I’ve had anxiety and depression my whole life- sometimes my depression feels like what you were describing after your initial quit (crying, feeling sad), but usually it feels like how you are describing yourself now- just kind of gray feeling. I second Ellen’s suggestion to check into antidepressants. Im new here, so I’m not familiar with your journey, but did you take any medication to help you quit? If you’re still on it, that could be causing a change too? 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I know how bad that gray feeling can be, and how desperate for your “old self” it can make you feel. You’ve done an amazing job having quit for 135 days! Keep it up! The rest can be sorted out, either by meds, a lifestyle change, or time.  Good luck!

[Bonnie]

When I look back on all the years I smoked, and the years I didn't, and the years I "closet-smoked" (so smoked less), I think I was the same person through it all...the smoking just was a way to deal with emotions--the good, the bad, and the ugly (i.e., anger).  I think I was an angry person for a lot of the time I smoked, but the smoking turned the anger into sardonic humor a lot of the time, and people enjoyed being around me because, man, I was funny!  And I still am these days, especially when I'm on a roll . I also could light up and easily posture a "I don't give a damn" 'tude while suppressing the uncomfortable feelings that were rising to the surface and the uncomfortable feelings would be replaced by a rush of dopamine from getting my nicotine fix.  Easy-peasy...Addiction works--it stops the rise of negative emotions, if that's one reason you smoke and it definitely was the MAIN reason I smoked, though once I blew a quit and "picked up", then I smoked to feed the addiction as well as smooth out the rough edges of my personality...But...I never really worked on "me"--what was bothering me, why it bothered me, what was I going to do to change the situation...what was I going to do to change my perspective...how was I going to grow as a person....I really am a rather immature 70-year-old because I only have done some really, really hard self-reflection (with accompanying change in thoughts, words and actions) since living without using my drug-of-choice (nicotine).  Recovery has its ups and downs and I did use Wellbutrin (for the "downs") and Buspar (for the anxiety) in combination to get a balance to my neurotransmitters.  This combo is considered "old-fashioned" in the medical world these days, but it works for me when I need it.  Now I just spend as much time outside as possible--exercising or not, it works for me.  This is what I've discovered works for me and how I get my "pleasure fix" without nicotine.  I didn't discover any of this right away...recovery is a process of discovery: some of it exciting, some of it tedious, some of it uncomfortable or even painful, and all of it GROWTH.

I hope some of this makes a little sense and I know I'm usually a bit long-winded, but I really empathize with how you're feeling and you have SO MUCH quit time under your belt (really, you're doing great) that I so don't want you to "slip" because you may just think "I just want this uncomfortableness with myself to stop; I just want to get back to the 'good old' me" and light up and inhale and YOU WILL HATE IT, IT WILL TASTE AWFUL AND IT WON'T DO WHAT YOU WANT IT TO (make you feel better, more like "your old self") and you will feel WORSE than you do today.  This is just a phase, really.  Your brain is used to feeling good by getting its nicotine fix to release those good brain-thingies (neurotransmitters) and that's gone now and your brain is just going to have to figure out how to feel good without that nasty liar nicotine.  Do anything (that doesn't hurt someone, of course) to make you feel better.  I have found that "water therapy" really does it for me--shower, jacuzzi, swim, even playing with the hose and hosing down my driveway (the drought in California is officially over!).  Also:  music--singing to it, even dancing to it in my living room. And there was a period when I did some yelling (in private) to release the anger.  Felt good.   Lots of aromatherapy now that I can really smell things.  Touch therapy (petting my daughter's dog, splurging on a massage, brushing my hair, etc.).  Get the dopamine going again.  I believe it was elvan, Ellen, that mentioned sitting on the porch and instead of smoking, blowing bubbles.  That really sounded like fun!  I realized I didn't have a lot of plain, simple FUN in my life--that MY fun consisted of hanging with other smokers and smoking (while drinking coffee, wine, or eating).  Any "fun" had smoking linked to it. Had to find other ways. Ended up discovering so many things I liked to do, enjoyed doing, simple things like washing dishes (I mean, WHAT???) because I wasn't rushing through the task so that I could have a nic fix.  Mindfulness, living in the NOW, gratitude.  They all got the dopamine flowing...freer than it had in a long, LONG time. I trudged on through, learning and discovering NEW things, and I got through the feeling of not knowing who I really was without cigarettes, being a little lost sometimes and a LOT lost some other times, and feeling like a complete DUD a few times. I stuck it out and now I feel like I'm my REAL self, and I'm so much FREER and REALLY content and/or happy most of the time, and when I'm not I work through how and what I'm feeling and even get to the "why", too. When I smoked I rarely got to the "WHY" because I had already lit up and felt better and supposedly "moved on", but I really hadn't...I had just shoved the real solution down and took the easy, guaranteed way to feel better: I smoked.

I know, I'm a person that can make a long story long, but I so don't want you to lose this quit. Maybe you can tell your friends not to do "good day/bad day".  That's a huge thing I'm learning how to do--telling people, especially those close to me, how what they do affects me.  Scary, but with practice, quite satisfying. And it makes me feel like a grownup Before, I would stuff it and smoke.

'nuff said (too much, prolly).  But I hope maybe that it makes a little sense and that you will stick out this TEMPORARY phase of your quit and think about some of the suggestions offered here and take what you want and leave the rest.  We care, you know, and we want you to succeed.

Bonnie

578 DOF

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Congratulations on 146 days! I will repeat what is said above me and add  this graph to your quit box:

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and this blog:

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/community/expert-advice/blog/2015/05/08/plotting-the-path-to-a-ha...‌

If you lost or gained 100 lbs how long would it take you to adjust? I promise you it's more than a Year! Your brain and your neurons are not as quick catching up to your new persona as your body is changing. The older you are the harder it is. I know we keep saying that it will get better soon and you may be tired of hearing it, but 5 months quit after how many years of smoking? The brain is an incredible creation. Give it a chance and yourself a break. You'll see....

[Barbscloud]

Congrats on your 135 days.   The emotional and psychological withdrawal from smoking can be difficult.  Is it truly a personalty change?  Even though 135 days is quite an accomplishment, it's not that long to adjust emotionally and psychologically.   If you feel you need to see a doctor, please do.   But it maybe that your body is still adjusting to a major change.

Barb 

[ltbrown022]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind words, support and suggestions and to those who shared their own stories. I think I just need more time to adjust. This has been such a huge lifestyle change for me and I think I'm just taking it harder emotionally than most. In the grand scheme of things, 135 days is not that long compared to the 10/11 years I smoked.  I've been seeing a therapist and running everyday. Those things do help. It's when I have idle quiet that my brain starts going crazy with worry. I think I just need to maybe work on some distraction techniques and like some of you mentioned, figure out what will make me happy. 

Thank you all

[Bellegonia]

Congrats on 135 days! That is freaking awesome. Since no one has mentioned this aspect... I'll throw it out there so when you're overthinking you will have something to research and think about besides missing the "old" you. And I mean this in the most sincerest of ways! I relate to what you are feeling as I was a 45+ year smoker and now I'm approaching my year anniversary. I believe what you are experiencing (like others mentioned) the detoxing part of the quit. But, I also think it has to do with your "gut"... new research is showing that 80 % of the dopamine and serotonin is actually produced in our Intestines - or gut - and not the brain. These are our happiness enzymes. You clear toxins from smoking out of your body in several ways but foremost through your skin, then your lungs and your poo and pee. Since your lungs may be damaged it may take longer. Those of us who smoke are at a high risk for having a "leaky" gut from years of smoking which means your happiness enzymes like dopamine and serotonin may not be producing 100% yet. I know when I started taking a really good probiotic, my attitude improved greatly. By really good probiotic I mean the kind you get at Whole Foods in the refrigerated section that need to stay chilled or the bacteria will die and be useless. Feeding your good bacteria is important also. There's all kinds of info on it on YouTube. Check out Dr Berg or Dr Mindy Pelz. Both really great resources for learning how our "gut" causes long term problems. I hope this help you or someone is a small or large way. 

Hugs!

Belle

[Grammy25]

Congratulations on 135 days!!

Thanks for sharing!!