I remember it clearly. Smoking that last cigarette at 9:30 pm on August 26, 2010. Seems strange that I should remember it so vividly. Savoring every last drag, like it was my last meal or something. Not sure whether it was that I knew it would be hard for me to quit, or if it was that I enjoyed it so much, and didn’t really want to quit, that made it so hard for me to finally make the commitment.
In any case, I also remember day 6. All the hard candy and popsicles and long walks to occupy my time… I remember the jitters and moodiness and the pacing…I remember coming here every hour or so and reading all of the people posting their milestones, (21 days! 1 year! 30 days!...) and wondering if I could get to that point. And being more than a little enviousness.
Probably the best thing I remember are the many wonderful, caring people here who were going through (and had gone through) the same things I was. I felt like I was with them and they were with me. How a few kind words of support from someone could make my day and give me strength to get through one more day, or hour or minute.One more craving. How good it felt to think that a few kind words from me might help someone else do the same.
It seems easy now, and incredibly satisfying to have beaten that demon. Rare that I have a craving these days, but every now and then it’s there and I have to think back to day 6 and my mindset then. And it all comes rushing back.
It’s commitment and determination that gets us through those first days, that first week, the first month. For me, I had to devote a month of my life to it. And change my life and habits, in any way I could think of, to beat my addiction. We reach out and ask for support when we need it, and give it when we can. And we live in the moment, in the craving we’re having right now, and doing what we can to get beyond each craving. They never last.
IT WILL NOT FREAKIN’ BEAT ME!!!
NOT TODAY!!!
Because if it beats me today, I know I start at day 1 again.
Just like that.
Best to everyone.
