Rantings of a mad man....(WARNING...Explicit language and content)

[mysteriousstran]

I just want to rant here. I don't expect anyone to agree with the way that I feel, or for anyone to tell me that it is ok. I just need to vent. Hopefully my friends here will understand and drop me a line to show support. So there is still time to bail if you are easily offended. I have never relayed most of this information to anyone, let alone an entire community, but there are some things i need off my chest. I'm also hoping that maybe someone out there can learn from my mistakes, because apparently i haven't.

So, The guy that just started playing drums for my band is actually a long time friend. He just got out of prison a few months ago. I am a very forgiving person, and he swore to me that he had changed. So, we let him re-join the band.

First, a little back ground. Hunter(the drummer) and I have been friends for many years. We were in a band many years ago and we did lots of really dumb things together. Mainly drugs and booze. We were young, and didn't fully understand the conciquences of our actions just yet. We were in a band called Thrust, and we were very successful for a time. Eventually our "bullet proof" attitudes got the best of us, and our drug and alchohol use spiraled out of control. Between the two of us, our Marajuana, Opiate(all forms of pain pills), Acid, Ecxtacy, Meth, and alchohol addictions got us both arrested several times. This behaviour finaly lead to the demise of our band, and many friendships and relationships.

As the years went by, both Hunter and I maintained our addictions. The intensity would wax and wane, but it was always there. Fast forward to the beginning of this year. I have been completely clean of all of these drugs, with the exception of marijuana for at least 6 years. I didn't go to any meetings or rehab. I just started taking responsibility for my actions. Of course it was hard, and there were times I thought about using. But I haven't. Hunter never did quit. Untill his recent stint in prison. His first time sober in 10 years.

Now, Hunter was let out of prison about 3 months ago. He only spent 3 months in for burglary and drug possesion. I ran into him while i was looking for a job. He proffessed to be completely sober, and attending church again, and he said that he wanted to join the band again. Again I say, because he joined once before. 2 days before he commited the offense that landed him in prison. Anyway, he seemed to be clean. He has put on some weight, and he seemed very coherent and sincere. We spent the last several days hanging out and working on new music.

Today I went to band practice and Hunter was wasted. Drunk as a skunk. He had gotten drunk on his break at work. There is a bar next door to his job. I am so hurt, and fucking angry with this ass hole. I made him promise that he would be sober if he was going to be our drummer. I don't need this shit. If any of you are lucky enough to know an alchoholic, or meth addict, you know just how much fun I had today. I don't fucking understand what is wrong with these people! There is simply no excuse, other than the fact that they are stupid, selfish assholes. I don't believe that It is an illness, or uncontrollable. I've seen all kinds of people control it, my self included. It's like quitting smoking. That shit is hard to do, but people do it every day. Something that has been compared with quitting heroin. Why would it be so hard to quit drinking? I pity him. And every other alchoholic that continues to be a piece of shit drain on society. Why do we have to put up with these fucking people? I have cried, and tried, and cussed, and pleaded all to no avail. We have tried to help him. For years. It's almost like they want to be a drunk piece of shit, so that you will pity them. So that they can get attention. I quit all of that shit, with no help. And believe me, I was a straight up addict. To many different things. I have done hundreds of hits of acid, smoked pot for years, fuck... at one point I smoked at least 2 grams of meth a day. I quit all of it. For one reason. I realized how much I was hurting those that love me. Why in gods name can Hunter not see that?

I believe it is a choice. If you are an alchoholic, you have to choose to stop. If you are a smoker you have to choose to stop. But he uses it as an excuse. "I'm an alchoholic, and a drug addict, I can't help it" or "I just relapsed, i'll be better tomorrow" Bullshit! It's like fucking stabbing me in the heart. If you don't want to destroy the ones you love, stop being a fucking moron. Stop drinking. I fucking hate you and what you do to me. I hate myself for trusting you. I hate that I can't make you see how much it hurts to see you so trashed. I makes me wish I were dead. Because I know you are going to die, and I can't help. No matter what you do, you can't stop someone from killing them selves. Believe me, I have tried. Like Tiffany, swinging from her noose in her room. I tried to help her, but I failed. Or Erin, who drown in the bathtub on oxy's. Another failure. So I failed again today. Hunters addiction will kill him. But I can't just stand by and watch. I don't have it in me to try and help anymore. I have to just let him go. I just can't handle it. He might as well be dead now. These tears tell me that I am not strong enough to deal with this again, just to fail in the end.

But I will not relapse. No matter what. I will not do drugs, I will not smoke, I will not drink, I will not kill myself. I have to much respect for those who love me.

Thank you for reading. This place saved my life. I wish I could do the same for others.

[mysteriousstran]

Any words of encouragement would help more than you know. If you couldn't tell, I feel like a walking corpse today. 😞

[steve6]

Certainly hard to understand when someone cares less about themselves than other people care about them. Take care of yourself first. There's nothing selfish about that, in fact, if you're not cool with who and what you are, you are of no use to anyone else. Get your own planets lined up. Good luck, and rock on.

[fiveblessings]

(((Justin)))
i just read this and I actually understand how you feel to an extent. My brother is in "recovery" from narcotics. I put it in quotations because he is drinking so he's not truly sober. I love him but after all he has put my family through, I will never trust him again. Sherri said all the right things...guide him to treatment and let it be his choice. You have no control over this and don't break your own heart trying to.
I wish you the best.
NO ENABLING!!
Keep us posted.

[sherri10]

Justin,

I recently told you that I'm an alcoholic/addict. You may have been able to quit on your own, but addicts who of the variety that I am truly don't have the power of choice when it comes to drugs and alcohol. I know that is really hard to understand. It's something you have to have to get it. Hunter can't help that he IS an addict. But that DOESN'T mean that he can't get better. I see people like him every single day. Depending on who you talk to, it's a spiritual disease, an alergy, a family trait, mental, emotional, the list goes on. The only thing I know for sure is that I couldn't really get sober until I joined a 12 step group. It has taken a power greater than myself to get and stay sober. I will have to go to meetings for the rest of my life to keep it good like it is now. I've seen too many people go back out over the last 11+ years when they quit going/ hanging around people in recovery. I have heard a lot of people talk like your friend too. The church thing that is. A lot of people have ideas that a 12 step group is the same as church or that church will keep them sober/clean. If they really are an addict/alcoholic, it never works. I think that the problem is that they believe that they will be absolved of all of their sins just by accepting Jesus as their savoir. With an addict, it just doesn't work that way. I've NEVER in 11 years seen any one who is truly an addict get clean that way. What usually happens is that they might stay clean for awhile. Things will get better. But eventually the shit of life happens and they don't know how to deal with it. They might lose their job, have a huge fight several times in a row wiht the wife or husband............there is always something! And they end up going back out. If they do stay dry, they typically the most miserable people I know. In a 12 step organization, we learn how to live life and deal with it without the use of drugs or alcohol. If your friend truly is an addict, he really can't just stop on his own. He needs help that I've only seen people get in a 12 step organization. I've never seen it happen anyother way.

And there is nothing you can do to help him except direct him to a 12 step organization. Don't pick up the pieces, don't bail him out of shit. Don't clean him up when he's laying in his own puke. Don't loan him money or let him back into your band. Especially don't loan him any money!!!! He's probably a thief too I bet! Don't let him into your home.

I know this probably sounds really mean, but it's really the only thing you can do! He has to pay the consequences of his addiction. If people keep on picking him back up, why quit? Why would we quit smoking if we didn't have to pay any consequences?? It's the same thing, but only he can help himself.

[sherri10]

I just wanted to add this.

The amazing thing about being in a 12 step recovery program is that the most untrustworthy people in society become the most trust worthy people you'll ever meet. My best friends, the ones I can count on the most to give my objective, sound advice and not repeat a single word of anything I've ever told them were at one time the very scum of society! But such people have to actually give their entire lives to the program. Not everyone who gets sober get it to this extent. But it does happen. However, we can never expect our families to forgive us or get back the trust we once had after what we put them through. My brother still thinks I'm a piece of shit after 11+ years of recovery. And that is ok. He really doesn't know the person I am today. But I've seen people who've done much worse than I ever did when back the complete trust and then some from the people they hurt the most. But again, they have to REALLY devote their lives to recovery. But it won't happen if they are pushed into recovery by the people who care about them. In reality, these are the people who have the least impact on a person getting into recovery in the first place! Seems like it should be the other way around, but it isn't. And it also won't happen if they are enabled

[val_b]

Justin, I really try to advise my three adult children to do the responsible and right things in life. I had a hard time openning my mouth becuase I was a smoker. I never did drug and maybe a night cap or two sometimes. But the smoking was bad 2 pks a day. Im a go getter and really think that we make life hard for ourselves if you don't reach for the word of god to find our destiny. You are a loving person and now you need to keep loving that friend with prayer, because God hears you and loves everyone of us. He also let us know that it is his job to get that person attention and to let that person know that if they want ot quit any habit, it's places like fellowship in church, aaa, becominganex and more support group to get us free from our additions. So keep praying and believe that God will deliver him from his additions. congrats to you for your commitment to your quit.