RED ALERT!!!! NEED HELP!!!! NICODEMON TACKLED ME ON THE 1 YARD LINE!!! I FEEL BROKEN!!!!

[Stac2]

YES THIS IS LONG BUT I REALLY NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!  RED ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In advance, I want to thank anyone who takes the time to comment.  I am getting ready to leave town and am not sure whether I will be able to send a reply and thank yous.  Selfishly, I write this anyway because I NEED THE HELP.  I GRATEFULLY accept all advice, tough love, soft love, medium love.  I wish I could slap sense into myself, but somehow I cannot get my mind straight.  I feel broken.

Days 130-153 nicodemon seemed like a past memory and most days passed without even a fleeting thought of a cigarette.  Confidence builds.  Smooth sailing, with two exceptions.  For several weeks, at times I’ve had this nagging in the back of my head about how hard it will be to enjoy college football this fall without cigs.  And, I’ve had romancing thoughts about this trip I’m taking with hubby.  I still have problems romancing about sitting on a balcony at night on vacation with an evening cigarette.   GRRRRRR.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?  WHY CAN I NOT HEED MY OWN ADVICE THIS TIME? 

Background – one of my very favorite pastimes in the world is watching college football.  I’m one of the folks who feels down the day after the national championship game because I know I will feel a season of drought without my ballgames.  I am not a fan of summer so go figure I live in Houston.  And every year, as summer wears on, I find myself dragging one foot in front of the other in slump mode at the beginning of August because the drought has lasted too long, and anyone familiar with Houston knows that August and September in Houston are not the finest weather-wise.  What do I do to get myself through the end of the drought?  I look forward to that first game.  I start analyzing teams, reading articles, waiting for that first poll to come out, etc.  I eagerly await that first gridiron clash like a wide-eyed child waiting to go to the circus, to experience the thrill of it all - the clashing of the pads, the cheering of the crowd, the bands playing in the background, the school pride on the line.  When able, I will literally sit all day Saturday and watch game, after game, after game.

This past week, hubby and I had to delay a trip because he catches a cold and has a lot of stuff going on at work so we decide to depart later than planned.  No problem.  Except…  Earlier this week, upon deciding to delay, hubby decides he wants to go to a local pub last night to watch his alma mater play their season opener.  I get EXcited.  Yet, in the back of my mind there is this horrific, deep seated fear.  How can I go watch this game at a place where smokers will be outside?  And I had already been EXperiencing thoughts of fear about how I’d get through tailgates at my own alma mater games this fall without longing for a cig.  But I tried to just swat the thoughts away.

Last night I failed.  And I failed big.  I fell flat on my face.  Today, I am so tired I literally feel like I have a hangover which is really bizarre for someone who drank water and no alcohol and who did not even go near a cig.

Last night, we are driving to the pub, and a few blocks away, my heart starts to race.  Hubby sees me deep breathing and asks what is wrong.  I tell him I am having strong, hard cravings and bad thoughts about cigs.  We pull up and start to walk in and of course we pass a picnic table full of folks smoking outside with a few pitchers of beer on the table.  We sit down inside, away from the smokers, and I literally start to have a panic attack.  I go to the bar to order some water and behind the counter I see cigarettes for sale.  Jeepers!  I didn’t even know bars around here sold cigarettes anymore, especially since you cannot smoke inside!  I go back to the table and try to calm down.  Not able to get there.  I tell myself “you’ve come too far.”  I tell myself “don’t pay attention just boot this thought to the curb.”  I tell myself “the smokers are smoking cuz they have to.”  None of the thoughts can overpower nicodemon this time.  He has me in his clutches.  His nails have dug in my sides.  “Stacie, you are going to suffer tonight through this game and realize that enjoying your smokes just is a part of your enjoyment of watching ball, and you will realize that you will never enjoy football again without smoking.  Gotcha!” 

I immediately call my lifeline.  I cannot tell you enough family if you don’t have one, get one!  It is critical!  My lifeline is a huge help as always and I am eternally grateful.  My lifeline helped me stop a literal panic attack.  SO WHY AM I BLOGGING TODAY?  BECAUSE I AM BROKEN.  MY MINDSET WAS FIGHTING AND STILL IS.  I AM NOT OK.  THIS IS NOT THE FAULT OF MY LIFELINE.  THIS IS THE FAULT OF A BROKEN BRAIN. 

Here’s the brokenness:  “Do you want to live to see more football or do you want to take a chance that the next cig will be your ticket to COPD, cancer, or something else?  Then how will you feel about watching football?  You may really have trouble enjoying it at that point!”.  My mind:  “Yeah, but I might want to take my chances cuz this nails digging into the sides of the chair kind of discomfort is ruining the game for me.”  “You have come a long way.  How will you feel about yourself tomorrow morning if you break your quit now.”  That one, that helps some.  “I want the cigs tonight but not the ones that come the day after that, and the day after that, and all the days inbetween games.”  That one, that helps a lot.  “I don’t want to become a nervous nelly personality again.”  That one, that helps a lot.  “Those people at the table are smoking cuz they have to, and you don’t have to anymore.”  My mind: “Yeah, but I sure as hell want to! And I don’t want to have to go through my favorite fall pastime feeling like I cannot enjoy it!”  My mind again: “Geez, you don’t drink, you eat healthy, you work out.  You lose 26 lbs in the last several months.  You now have to lose the enjoyment of your favorite pastime too cuz you won’t enjoy it without cigs.  Really is this worth it?  Why can everyone else have fun but you?”

Family, I did not smoke.  But I’ll tell you this.  I had an actual CRAVING sensation that lasted all damn night.  I mean, tight lungs.  Nervous talk, jitters, sweats, etc.  I swear it was like I was back in a place where I’d just run out of smokes and had the heebie jeebies for the next one and needed to bum one to get that fix.  How the hell this can manifest itself all these days away from the nicotine being out of my system I do not know.  But it DID!  And I swear to you I was digging my fingernails into the sides of my chair all night long.  DAY 154 FELT LIKE DAY TWO.  I am not EXaggerating!  I did not just have romancing thoughts, I had romancing thoughts PLUS a literal physical crave that lasted about 10 hours.  When I got home, all I could do was think “I don’t want to wake up with that taste in my mouth and I’ll be glad I didn’t smoke.  Just go to bed Stacie, just go to bed.”  This morning, I awake, feeling panicked again.  So here I am opening my soul to you.  I am scared to death.  I am scared of this trip I’m taking because there were romancing thoughts there.  And I am scared that it is true that I will never enjoy college football watching or live games tailgating again without my old “friend.”  Because I did have fun last night, but dear God the massive crave wave I had was so upsetting, so mind blowing, so real, so hurtful, so scary.  I could NOT believe what was happening to me.  I made it through last night, but how in the hell am I going to be able to fix my mindset for game two, which is TOMORROW?  Y’ALL, I DO NOT WANT TO WHITE KNUCKLE MY WAY THROUGH MY FOOTBALL GAMES EVERY WEEK!  HOW DO I FIX THIS AND WHY AM I SO BROKEN AT DAY 155???????????????????????????????