WOW.. i'm so impresssed.. with myself..! i was nervous about today, quite honestly. Its Saturday- im off work. now that i think of it, the habit of smoking caused me to live my life a lot differently. My day would have been so much different if i hadn't made the decision to stop. But this morning, i woke up (thank God) ..put on my work out clothes and left house at about 8am-- shortly after i woke up-- about the time i normally wud have been enjoying a cup of coffee and a u-know-what. I walked for about an hour. Took in the sunshine..it was great. Came home, cleaned up.. did chores and then, got myself looking cute and went out... Thought about washing the car but didnt want to be the one responsible for the rain.. 🙂 salon, mall, grocery story--- . all of that. Got a MAJOR headache abt 2hrs after i left the house. I mean MAJOR. lt almost felt like my body was saying" hey.. i dont feel good.. but i know what wud make me feel better really fast! i know how to make that headache go away!" so.. i decided to suffer thru the headache.. What i learned is: I'm a much smarter shopper when i have a headache. ..
I was away from home most of the day. I think this would have been more challenging had i simply stayed home. I realize i can't spend the rest of my life shopping (sort of..) but for now, if it takes me leaving the house in order to manage this, that's just what i'm going to have to do. I dunno. Its like, when im away from home, i really dont think of it.. becuz i'm thinking of other stuff (like shopping! lol) .. argh.
And i'm noticing that when it gets late. .like close to bed time, i'm over it. I feel like i've gotten through the day and i can chalk up another successful day of being an EX. I think i've got a good handle on my mornings. I think its easier because making it to work knowing I didnt "do it" is a huge 'ATTA GIRL" at 7AM. what a great way to start my day!
I've got to figure out a way to nail my afternoons and days off without going shopping. I could go broke doing this! I enjoy being home on my days off.... The good news is: I have not purchased a pack. so i suppose as long as i can keep that up, i will be o.k. The fact is, I cannot smoke ONE. Not one single one. Not even a puff. If I do, I"m doomed, I'm lost. If i don't want health and life more than i want one of those things, then i am truly lost. Then nothing means anything to me.I cant want one anymore. Now i just have to manage what's going on in my body since i'm depriving it of all that poison its gotten so used to getting. The headache, the jitters, the appetite, the attitude..its my body fighting itself for something it wants that i refuse to give it.. and its my fault that i feel this way. I created this monster. Now i'm trying to destroy this monster. I suppose every day the monster gets a little smaller. Its not the Nicodemon. Its the Joi-demon. Its me. I'm the monster i created when i allowed this awful habit to take over my life. so how do you defeat yourself? Total mind game here.. its like the angel and devil on opposite shoulders, except FOR REAL. I'm not looking at what i feel as cravings... so thats a good thing. I 'm looking at it as withdrawal. i think the difference is that with a craving, its me allowing myself to feel like i want something. Withdrawal, however, is more like the physical manifestation of deprivation. Craving: thats me being weak about something i want. Withdrawal: thats my body being weak about something it wants. I think that i can treat withdrawal the same way one would treat a child. I would tell my body "no... you cant have that because that's bad for you". Unlike a craving, where in the mind, one would rationalize why they SHOULD allow themself to have whatever it is they want. I don't know.. i'm no psychologist.. i just have my own way of thinking i guess.. and maybe i'm way wrong.. but maybe i'm right..! i guess when it comes to this, each person just has to do whatever it takes to NOT smoke...
well.. off to bed with me.. end of another successful day! Even though i spent more money than i was supposed to, there is about $6.00 of it that i was EXTREMELY happy to spend on something else! 🙂
