I haven't written a blog yet because the 1st few days I was getting amazing support from friends and family through my facebook status, but after a few days I found myself not really wanting to talk about it. It seems to make the cravings worse at times.
I quit exactly a week after starting Chantix. The Chantix expierence has been interesting. The last time I quit for any signifigant amount of time I used the patch and Wellbutrin, well the patch and my skin didn't get along (itchy and broke out in a rash) so after a month I stopped using them and was relying solely on the Wellbutrin, after 2 more weeks not only was I beyond nuerotic, I became suicidal and though it best to stop taking it. I lasted a few more weeks beyond that before temptation won and I was back smoking. Only a few at 1st, but it wasn't long before I was back to old habits and feeling like crap.
So as for Chantix, it really does help with the cravings like no other product I have tried, but the side effects are the interesting part. I have been getting hearburn, which is unusual for me. And the dreams are ridiculously vivid and they stay with me. I had a nightmare last week that I saw a friend dead, face full of blood and still have a hard time getting the image out of my head. I was really irritatable the 1st week I was on it, before I even stopped smoking. I have had a few episodes of zero patience, but i really think that is to be expected no matter what method I use.
So in the past 10 days I have had 2 cigarettes. One was the day after I quit. A friend came over with some wine and I was baking cookies to stay busy, but once she left i smoked the the one I had kept for an emergency. I took a few puffs and it tasted awful and I put it out. The next I had on Christmas Eve because I was flat out depressed. With no money for Christmas presents this year, I didn't decorate or anything. I was alone watching my favorite Christmas movie, It's a Wonderful Life and couldn't take it anymore. I had bought it earlier in the day when the craving started at the store that sells them by the single. I purposely bought an ultra light natural cigarette, not wanting to temp it tasting really good if it was a good ol Camel Light. This one I smoked the whole way through, enjoyed it even. Went inside, washed my hands, face and brushed my teeth immediately.
Made it through Christmas Day with the family with only one bitchy episode. I then just took a long walk and cried. I seem to be doing that a lot, crying or walking or both. Then yesterday I went out with some friends and we ended up at a bar that was insanely smokey. I lasted in there 15 or 20 minutes before I said sorry but I have to get out of here. I went home and was absolutely fine about it. It was the 1st time I had gone out since quitting because I was anxious about being in that situation. I felt really good on the ride home that I survived and chose leaving instead of giving in. Today a friend asked me to meet him at the usual bar where we all watch football on Sundays. I went for the last hour of the game, had a beer and just sat and thought how bad it stunk in there. Even dealt just fine with people smoking at the same booth as me. I don't know why, but I just felt the need to not avoid people I wanted to see because of avoiding cigarettes.
Life will be a bit easier on January 2nd when the smoking ban in restaurants and bars takes effect here in North Carolina. Of course you still need to get through the cloud outside the door, but hey I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!
Here's to the next 10 days with hopefully zero cigarettes...and no I don't feel guilty about the 2 I had. If I freak out about this I will fail, I want to succeed.
