I work in the medical field and admit that when it comes to smoking, I absolutely know better. Smoking is just so horrible =/ I recently had a patient who was having an exacerbation of COPD, had been diagnosed with emphysema, and has a history of chronic bronchitis. She was only 62 and weighed about 94 pounds, too little to get a lung transplant! The poor sweet lady is not anorexic, she just can't maintain enough oxygen in her system while she is eating. In other words it is just too damn hard to breathe and eat. Can you even imagine what that must be like? To have lungs so destroyed by cigarette smoke you can't even eat a meal? I just watched her fighting to breathe, gasping, coughing, eyes wide, anxious and just miserable. I do not want to be her. I do not want anyone in the world to have to experience that. I kept rubbing her back and trying to reassure her, but wtf could I really say? Here is a sample of what I wanted to say:
Your lungs are no longer working because you have systematically saturated them with chemicals and toxins over a course of many years.
Hypocrite much? A-hole much? I was so upset at my inability to help her, there was really nothing I could do but hold her hand, stroke her hair, rub her back. She was appreciative of my physical gestures, but honestly, it did nothing for her ability to breathe. NOTHING.
It was so scary and yet I handled my distress over it by walking outside and smoking. Who does that? How dumb is that? The funny thing is that I was driving home from work that morning, smoking, and became more aware of my own struggles with breathing. I was wheezing a bit to be honest, and I am too friggin young for that. I really cannot believe that I have waited two whole weeks later to actually quit, but, nonetheless I am. I am so over it, about to head to the gym which I joined yesterday, come home and have a healthy meal, and head to work tonight.
I want to be free of this madness, I want to run my own life, and be my own girl. G'bye funky house, smelly hair, smoke saturated clothes. HELLOOOO yummy smelling me 😃 Can I get a wat waaaat? lol
