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No need to worry...start with the first link, then read. :) - Take 2
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This morning's blog disappeared with everyone else's, so here's to the second time 🙂 It's kind of a long one.
I feel like not smoking is the only thing in life I have any control over, well that and my attitude. Kind of find that funny after all this time. Who knew.
This song randomly played via shuffle on my MP3 player and it lifted my mood last night when things felt very hopeless last night. One of my best friends in Phoenix called just as the song ended and we had a long talk about what's been going on. Since I'm challenged on the embed thing, you'll actually have to click the link.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Johnny Cash and June Carter.
No Need to Worry - God's Gonna Bless You
What a difference the song made. And then..
My friend Rob called. He's been one of the biggest supporters across the board and has been for years. He helped me clear out so much confusion, stress and self doubt and understood how I feel about giving up on my dream and how it conflicts with how I feel about being able to take care of the kids.
Have to let go of the apartment has been devastating. No where to live is a place I never wanted to be with the kids. Giving up the business so I can provide for them has been devastating.
Today was "D" day for my business, because the office phone was due for disconnection for non-payment. I had to know by this morning if we were leaving and my biz was going to shut down or if we should stay and try to make a go of it, and suck it up, losses and all. It takes 2 weeks after a business number has been disconnected to have it reconnected. Kind of a "do or die" deal.
The money that pays the bill was supposed to go toward gas to driving back home, whichever one we went back to. I count both Phoenix and Southwest Idaho as home. Wherever we land, it's starting over with nothing but each other, what we can pack in the car and maybe the dogs, if we can.
Talking with Rob helped me so much last night. Suddenly I saw possibilities and work arounds instead of just brick walls. And he understands why I want to stay and fight and make it work. And he is one of the few real life people that didn't tell me to give up and just cut my losses. And start over somewhere else. I really needed that vote of confidence, you know.
He's also an ex-smoker and didn't know I had quit smoking. He was like, "Really? Wow. That's awesome!" and we both agree that the best part is not having to stock up on cigarettes just in case you can't get to any while doingstuff like camping trips, hikes or travels or whatever. Freedom.
I did almost smoke over all of it this last weekend. Kind of a sneak attack out of the blue. No warning, no thoughts, it was out of some forgotten habit. Not even thinking about smoking right then. The neighbor was smoking in her garage and I reached and she handed. In the middle we looked at each other and said "Sh$#@, what the hell are we doing." She's been a big supporter of my quit because she quit for 5 years and started again. Bad juju for both of us.
Romancing the cigarette is not a good thing to do. Smoking will not help at all. It will not bring my daughter back or stop her from doing what she's doing. If she's doing half the stuff I've heard she's doing, she's headed down a very bad path for both serious drug/alcohol addiction and teen pregancy. It's so hard to deal with her missing and I can't tell both Grandma's, family members, friends or well meaning school faculty I can't talk about it or give them an update because it's a trigger. So many people are worried and want her to be safe. And watching for her. I'm sure as hell not going to smoke over it.
But good gravy if I'm not having urges. They don't last more than a minute and then disappear just as suddenly as they come. I'm back on gum and straws when they hit.
They aren't even close to this bad. God know I never, ever want to go through that again.
Things are looking up, I think, though.
I went to the Chamber of Commerce Mixer tonight and it also lifted my spirits. I decided last night to stay here, even without housing, and talked to child #2 about moving into the office, which she opposed because there is no shower or kitchenette. I can't afford to rent another place right now. But she was happy to do it if we got a gym membership so we can shower. The office landlord offered for us to stay in the office if we needed to for a while.
And then there's the dogs. It's heartbreaking to have to get rid of them. They're family to us. Moving into the office means we can't have them there. The small one would be ok, but my German Shepherd/Border Collie cross is a bit protective and doesn't think the clients should be walking in uninvited. And the landlord would have to be ok with it.
After the Mixer, when I picked up child #2 from her friend's house (her mom is such a blessing), she asked if we were staying and offered her place if Charisma needed a place to sleep or shower while we stay at the office.
We stopped at the VFW hall on the way home to let them know what was going on and they offered to let us store household stuffs in one of their empty rooms so we don't lose it until we can get settled in and solid again.
And then the bar manager gave us a place to move into, if we clean it up. No rent and it's off-grid (hydro-power and well water). We need to be out of our place Monday or Tuesday, so tomorrow we're going to see what needs done. A couple days work or so, he said. And the dogs can come with us. *big grin* It's on 75 acres in the woods.
"I found out if you'll take one step, He'll take two."
448 days since I stopped making excuses to smoke.
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