I haven’t written a post in a long time; I’m just adding my days up and going along. But I have noticed how much my outlook has changed from those first weeks. For me, as time and months have passed, those early days superhero vibes have passed, and now it’s just life.
I never wrote a goodbye letter; but I’ve been thinking about how that would look, 156 days in, compared to at the beginning. After the euphoria has passed and thoughts of smoking start putting the sneak on you again. For those days when it feels like it would be so easy to walk into the 7-11 right down the street and pick up a pack. When I’ve forgotten why I quit in the first place.
Dear Nicodemon,
I tossed you out of my life on your butt (literally) 156 days ago. I was scared, definitely, but also weirdly excited. I had so many milestones to celebrate: getting through Hell Week, getting through Heck Week, getting to a month, reaching 100 days. I know now that keeping you out of my life is a quiet battle that I must win every day.
In my quit plan, I had all my reasons to give you the boot: the crazy chance I was taking with my health; my mom dying of lung cancer even though she’d quit 25 years ago; my dad’s crippling COPD. Like probably most smokers, though, I never thought that would happen to me. I didn’t want to smell anymore either, or feel ashamed, or hide and lie like a 13 year old.
But you are patient, my lovely addiction, aren’t you? You’ll try to find any crack to exploit. Mostly you just say, what could it hurt?
And, being human, it’s challenging to focus on future goals and outcomes when immediate gratification is soooo much easier. My wife and I are newly retired, and we want to travel and explore and every cigarette I inhaled put that dream at risk. So I focus on that, because it’s concrete. I could say to myself, every cig you smoke means you gotta cross one more country off your list. Is that what you want?
No, you can’t come to visit. I wasn’t joking when I threw you out, and you can’t come back, not ever. You just can’t. Because I say so. No Matter What.
Being quit has been such a gift, it’s hard to believe that you still tempt me. That I could wave away my concerns and live in denial about the damage you’ve done to me. You’re not welcome anymore. You’re not an old friend I’ll greet with open arms, no matter how hard you try, Nicodemon. You’ve been out of my life for 156 days now and you are NOT coming back. I hope I’ve made myself clear.
You are the past. Freedom is my future. So eff off and quit bugging me. Honestly, you’re just a big drag.
Bugger off, Terry 156 DOF
