I am not going to completely quit on New Year's Day.
For one, it just feels like too much unnecessary pressure. But here is my plan: three cigs for three days, two for two days and one for two days - so looks like Jan.7 is my day. My throat feels terrible: Scratchy, Itchy and Angry. I was already having sinus trouble and I think that the notion that I am quitting for real pushed my smoking into over drive last night. I did not drink much - three drinks- which I have decided should be my limit, possibly forever because I can't be sure that if I get drunk, I won't smoke. It can take over and control me ...if I give it the chance. Alcohol can and has in the past weakened my resolve and let the flood gates open.
The two viceshave a long, torrid history together.
I am like any other drug addict in this way, even though nicotine does change one's personality or behavior.
My worst and most eye opening relapse happened when I was twenty one.
I was home for the summer before my senior year of college. I had quit for three days, maybe four, and had avoided going out to do it. I guarded my success. At this point in my life, I smoked about ½ a pack a day.
At the time, all of my childhood friends smoked. None of them do now. I became stir crazy and just had to get out of the house. We went first to an upscale restaurant where smoking was not allowed. I had wine with dinner and felt very self assured. We went to a bar. Several drinks later, I asked a friend for a cigarette. I lit it and inhaled. I became dizzy. I coughed. I felt elated – I had my drug back! I had not even got through that first one before I had walked the 12 or steps to the cigarette vending machine (where as a teenager, I had bought packs). I fed the machine five dollars, grabbed my pack, sat down alone in a booth and promptly smoked about 6 cigarettes, lighting one off the butt another. Disgusting. And I only quit because I became nauseated from smoking so much in one sitting. My friends found me and I felt ashamed.
But, if you analyze this situation, you will find that this situation is sad. Cigarettes have a side affect: lonliness.
I isolated myself from friends to feed this addiction – to sit alone with it. Then there is all the time spent alone in the cold, huddled against a wall 25 feet away from the door, sucking down a cigarette while friends and family stay toasty inside. The time spent with a cigarette feels like time spent with company, with comfort, if not with friends. We all know how laughable this notion is – cigarettes are not anyone’s friend. I have spent so much time alone with my cigarette when I could have been inside at the party, dancing or talking. I have spent so much time with the small group of smokers at the event, shrinking my circle of friends. So much time spent in bars, in the smoking section of restaurants, in smoky glass cages in airports, outside next to disgusting butt containers – inhaling toxic sludge. All the while helping the murderers that cigarette companies are make a profit. It’s awful, abusive and stupid – and yet here an addict finds his or herself, a slave to impulse and to need.
I will end this self destructive cycle.
The drinking limit) will be a positive change in general. I may find that I cannot drink at all for a while, just so that I do not have to deal with increased cravings. And I am okay with that. Again - whatever it takes. This is one of the most important things I can do for myself, for my life, and for the people in it.
The longest I have ever quit was one week.
In that week, I had color come back into my face and my skin became clearer. I have always had problems with severe break outs, but I am beginning to think that my break outs are in part triggered my cigarette smoking. My cheeks were downright rosy - I had no idea that I could see improvements so quickly. I got several compliments. My sense of smell gained new strength. I rewarded myself with pricy apple shampoo. I washed all of my coats, now unable to stand the stench of stale smoke. Food tasted better - renewed flavors came back and were growing only stronger.
I was surprised by how rapid the improvement was.
You would think that if for no other reason, vanity would kick in and I would not give up. Not the case - stress and entitlement kicked in, and I begged my boyfriend for one. I smoked half and felt awful. Before I knew it, I had bought a pack. Camels - "my brand"- also the brand that still targeted children with advertising when I was young - right before Clinton told them to stay away from schools and packs out of children’s' reach in stores – were my poison of choice. Not blaming Camel, but my condition is certainly what they were hoping for when they placed a Joe Camel bill board down the street from my middle school and when they fought laws to make age limitations lax. Kids today probably find it difficult to buy cigarettes - At 14, I had no trouble - too bad.
My boyfriend still smokes and this will not help me.
Ultimately, this is my decision and my journey so I cannot let his habit deter me or judge him for it. He will quit when he is ready, but I hope it's soon. I worry about his health because he smokes and has smoked so much - A 2 and one half packer of Marlboro Reds at one point. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, start a family maybe one day – but I want this behind us before we move forward with any of that.
I am glad that I am here and that I going to do this. I feel like I am in recovery - I have been abusing myself and I must help myself to stop.
