My Thoughts About Saturday

[Terri103]

Here it is two days later and something is still weighing on my chest.  So I am just going to put it out there.  I believe it was on Saturday that an EX member who had not been around for awhile wrote a blog and said they had slipped, hadn't had a computer for awhile, and how they were moving forward.  Well, they didn't make it clear what they meant by slip.  First, I agree with the general consensus that if you smoke, one puff, one cigarette, one pack...that you start the recount.  However, on the first blog from this person in months, to right away jump on them and judge and admonish about resetting the quit date, well it doesn't sit right with me.  Even if they Had smoked, a little comfort, some support, get back to your quit, etc for the first blog would have been kinder than immed. telling them to set back the clock.  That could have come the next day or been done more gently.  At the time of the post, I was using my phone.  It is fairly easy to read blogs, but not to write comments.  So I didn't write at the time.  I wish I had.   So it was still bothering me today, and I went to re-read it, and found it was deleted.  I don't know this Ex, last blog had been in Feb and I quit in April.  But I had to say something from me and give my support.  I got a reply to my PM and was told it was deleted because there was so much negative comments on this one blog!  "I felt like a turd and all the flies just landed on me."   This person was having such a hard time with the quit, that they had some NRT. SOME NRT!  And they also said that they hadn't been able to come to ex for quite a while since the computer was broken.  Well, then everyone was posting, oh nevermind, you are fine.  By that time, the hurt was done.   The being defensive had already happened.  

I want to think of us as being loving, kind, supportive, sympathetic.  And for the most part we are.  I wish the blog and comments were still there, because in my 114 days, I never saw the comments come rolling in to judge.  I remember reading them and saying holy shit was is going on??  Get the facts, and read All the facts in the blog, hold judgement until you know what is going on.  Something strange happened on that blog Saturday and it isn't common.  This person, that I do not know as I said, also said in reply to my PM that they will not be blogging anymore because they are in general going through a rough time and it was hurtful to get jumped on and put in a position to defend themselves.  

I sure hope I haven't put a target on myself.  If anything I am too tenderhearted, and it just hurt to see members of my family focus on the "rules" first.  There IS a time and place for setting things straight,  But not in the first blog.  

I did not include the persons name or gender because the blog has been deleted, and to be honest, I don't remember who said what to this person, so I am not targetting any one at all.  Thanks for listening.  

[elvan]

No target as far as I am concerned, I understand people being really firm on the quit clocks but, at the same time, MY clock is MY clock and YOUR clock belongs to you. Take your own inventory and no one else's.  I have been quit for over 500 days, I have not slipped or relapsed but I refuse to attack someone who is having a hard time. I am just as tenderhearted as you are Terri...never quit quitting, let the person decide if and when to reset their clock. That's not a group decision, that's this old lady's opinion.

[Sootie]

No target here either Terri. I don't respond to those kind of blogs unless a question is being asked.....as in "should I re-set my clock". Then I will give my opinion but as Ellen said....I make it clear it is my opinion only. 

I am quit for close to 6 years and that's a total quit with not one puff ever.

But how anyone else charts their quit is their business.......not mine.

And that's THIS old lady's opinion!!!!

[TerrieQuit]

Terri, No Target here either. I am gonna say that the clock re-set thing has seemed to be a very tender subject around here, especially since EX says it's ok to keep on going after a sliip. This person did call it a slip.. It has been an issue with others as well! and with hurt feelings as well. It is just a very sore subject. I hope that this person can see it through that no one meant to give hurt feelings and that they should really come back to get the support they so rightfully deserve. This really is a supportive community. And that's just this old lady's opinion.

Terrie  35  DOF

[JonesCarpeDiem]

So If I hadn't seen the blog, I am supposed to form an opinion based upon your opinion.

Great!

[TerrieQuit]

p.s. I actually thought it was all cleared up that very same day. It is sad that someone is this hurt and has not said a word! Pleaseif you are reading: come back as you know this is a caring and loving community and that whole this was a big mis understanding!

Terrie

[bonniebee]

Hi Terri I understand how you feel but not to worry she has altready blogged again and is perfectly fine with resetting and helping others in comments .She is fantastic and so are you !

Congrats on your quit Terri ! 

[djmurray]

I agree with your sentiments, Terri -- so many of us have had failed quits, and being told you've broken the "rules" isn't the best way to make someone feel understood and welcomed back.  Just this old lady's opinion.

[Breakinchains]

Truth that causes some tears is much more helpful than a lie that causes smiles. Smoking is not ok, it will never be ok. This is a non smoking site. If we allow people to smoke and say nothing, we are helping no one. Just my opinion. 

[geronimo]

To me the issue of clocks is trival. What is more important is that no one,ex-smoker or  relapsed smokers alike, get the impression that we buy their BS excuses. Recovering addicts don't need to hear somebody elses  justification for why they slipped, and especially don't need to read some Elder saying they understand "how hard it's been for you, poor baby". Recovery is premised on the ground truth that there is no such thing as a good reason to smoke. If you believe that then, when someone slips well into a quit, he only logical conclusion is that they chose to smoke for no good reason. They don't deserve sympathy because they made the choice themselves and we can't give understanding to that which cannot be understood. What we can and should do is offer support and advice about how to get back on track. I try to be careful about everything I write here, knowing that it will be read by addicts, and the last thing we should want to do is make somebody else's road harder. 

[jjbob]

 One of the reasons that I first liked this site, was that it had this absolute---N.O.P.E.            Not one.  I need to live that way.   John 11 DOF

[OxfordComa]

Coincidentally, I work with three professional, CHES certified health coaches who counsel on smoking cessation at the University I work for. They were instrumental in getting our campus and community smoke-free and they also meet daily with students one on one. I discussed some of this "quit date policing" with them when it happened to me and they were shocked at that sort of behavior in a support community. 

You aren't too tender-hearted. It is not supportive to attack people, even if people feel they're dishing out "truth". Reinforce the positives (You can jump back on the wagon! It's going to be harder, but you don't have to give up on your quit!) instead of reinforcing the negatives (Why would you slip don't you know better? You have all the tools and you still failed!). Guilt and shame are not healthy or effective deterents, nor statistically helpful when dealing with relapse.

We already know the negatives, am I right?! It's why we're trying to quit, right? But addiction is hard and sometimes people slip. That's a reality of addiction. To deny that is to deny something we all struggle with in different ways. Yes, we want people to be successful, but they are still people and it's not our place to judge them. We want them to keep trying, not to give up trying. 

You support the way that is right for you. Those who benefit from it will find your help immeasurable. 

The text and research you find on becomeanex.org (the main website, not our user-created blogs) is created in collaboration with the Mayo Clinic, a national leader in medical research, including tobacco cessation. The language and resources on the main site are national standards, used by accredited hospitals across the country. These are the same peer-reviewed methods that our certified health coaches use. For future reference, here is specific advise offered by becomeanex.org when people slip (you can find it by clicking on the "I've Slipped" button under your quit date:

"So you've slipped up. Don't worry. It happens to the best of us. The important thing is to not use it as an excuse to give up quitting completely. You've already done a ton of work, and this is just a small setback.

Here are some steps to get you back on track:

  
• If you think it was a one-time bump in the road, keep plugging away. Review your "My Quit Plan Info" checklist to remind yourself how to beat your triggers.
  
• Make sure you have the right kind of medication (some are better than others for dealing with sudden urges to smoke).
  
• Get support! Reach out to the EX Community - they know exactly what you're going through. Also, let your friends and family know you need their help now more than ever.
  
• Remind yourself of your reasons to quit. And check out the "Advice and Support" section again to see how to stay on track.

If you've started smoking again and need more time to prepare to quit, just reset your quit date.

Don't beat yourself up. And most importantly, don't give up. You can do this."