I can't tell all of you how grateful I am for finding EX. I feel so good that I have made steps to quit smoking. It is my last addiction that after smoking off and on for 38 years. I have fianally started to let go of. I have tought myself to live life with a sense of humor. Life is too short to carry around baggage. In all reality, It takes way too much effort to carry it around. It's exhausting.
I left home when I was 12 years old. Starting at the age of 5 years old I was violated in so many ways. One of my abusers was my own brother who eventually committed suicide in 1986. By the time I was 11 years old I was confused, full of self hatred and angry at the world. Eventually, at 11 years old I started drinking. By the time I was 12 I was a full blown addict.
When a child is subject to extreme abuse most of them including me develope a disorder called Dissociative Identity Disorder formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. It is a coping mechanism the I believer true survivors develope to get through the unspeakables.
By the time I was 12 years old I had developed 5 separate personalities. One was a 16 year old girl named Trudy who started to dominate my life at this age. Eventually I started climbing out of my window in the middle of the night , running away and hitchhiking. By the time I was 14 years old I traveled to Sacramento, CA. Where I met up with a rather prominent biker club who name I chose not to disclose. They were manufacturers of Meth. My addictions grew dramatically while I was with them. I started using meth via IV. The club "took me under their wing" Which ended up in total distruction. Eventually I start to be a stripper for them at the ripe age of 15 years old . Then things took a turn for the worse. I started finding myself in the same abusive predicament. They started physically and sexually abusing me. This was totally okay with me. Trudy had become a tough distructive monster. She thought that was the way everyone lived. I did have a "boyfriend" who was 32 years old. He was also a member of the club. Then one day the club has run into major problems. They eventually kidnapped one of the women from a rival club. They did it because they had extorted money from one thier member. The club was eventually raided by the police. One thing led to another. They needed to find a scape goat which ended up to be my "boyfriend". He ended up being found guilty for the extortion and the kidnapping of the girl. He was sentenced to 2 life terms at Fulsom State Penitentiary. In the midst of all this to make a statement to other clubs that they took care of all angles of the legal problems they kidnapped me, took me to a remote area to an old abandoned farmhouse. The locked me up in the basement for 3 days. I'm not going to say what happened to me there. I was eventually released. I continued on until I was 17 years old when I finally came back home. Two weeks after I came home I met my future husband. Of course there were drugs an alcohol involved. I ended up becomin addicted to cocaine that lasted about 10 years.
I could go on and on about what has happened to me. Especially what happened when I was freed from the club. I subjected myself to years of more abuse. This whole time I thought I deserved it. This is common.
When I was about 30 years old I found a therapist who specialized in DID. We worked for 6 long and hard years to "Get my parts to talk with each other" they eventually "conjoined". My parts will always be with me but in a different fashion. They no longer split off. As it turned out Trudy was actually the protector of 2 of my partswho are small children.
In 1996 I was also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorded which I am not ashamed of. I am on the right "cocktail" of mediction at the moment. Bipolar Disorder evolves for some people with age. I of course are one of them. I am now an active speaker for NAMI that is an organization that is geared for families and friends of the mentally ill. I am also a member of a chatroom that is geared for Bipolar Disorder. I am a support "OP" there. I have been a member there for almost 8 years.
So, with all this said, Am I grateful? HELL YE! Every day is a blessing for me. I am now beginning a new chapter in my life. I am a qutter but I'm not a quitter if you get my drift.
YAY for a happy Easter and a smoke free day!
Thanks for reading this.....
Bless you all!
PEACE!
