In this life I have found some things that give me pleasure and some things that I need to give up and some places I have gone that I probably (definitely) should not have gone.
I remember my buddy Mike (still my friend and the best man at my wedding) letting me smoke some of his Marlboros when we were teenagers, 35 years ago. He did not make me smoke. I chose to smoke. Thanks for that....NOT. Now, he is 10 years sober in AA and I am 40 days quit in EX. But I still love him.
I make my own choices but it is so easy to put blame on others for our own poor choices. When I met my wife, on a blind date no less, we both smoked. It was a match on many levels but the fact that we both smoked made that part of our courtship comfortable. We were not kids. Both in our mid (her) to late (me) 20's and neither of us had ever been married. We smoked while dating, smoked at our wedding reception, smoked through the highs and lows of a 22 year (and counting) marriage. We talked about and dabbled with quitting. We even quit for a few days together, but would bum cigs at work or when we were around other smokers. That did not last, I went into the store and came out with a pack for each of us and we blazed up on the way home. So much for that quit attempt. But I loved her then and still do.
Which brings us to this chapter. I found the EX site and here I am, 40 days into a quit that is going good but very fragile. I love the idea of being a non-smoker. I like being proud to tell others I have quit smoking. But in the back of my mind I am very aware that I am an addict and I could fail any time I start to let my resolve weaken. I have seen others on here stumble and it makes me more determined to stay strong.
The biggest reason I have always failed in my efforts to quit before is that I made excuses for why I could not quit. "My wife smokes." So I can't quit. There is too much temptation and too easy access for cigarettes and when she smokes I just can't resist the temptation. It was as much her fault as my own. Well baloney.
I had to decide for myself that I was ultimately responsible for my choices. Wow, it only took 54 years for me to figure this out. I quit. She didn't. So what. How does her smoking in any way effect my decision making? It doesn't. My life. My choice. I do not know if this is a forever quit. I would like to think it is, but I am weak. I just know that I am not going to smoke today. Maybe tomorrow, but for today, NOPE.
Here is to all the EXers out there who are reading and writing and cheering and crying and just doing what they can to not smoke today. I am with you. I care. I love. I am reaching out to this community to give support and get support and be there for others as they are there for me. Thanks again EX. for listening and caring. A blog a day keeps the cravings away.
Lee
