Lessons Learned The Hard Way

[royann]

Well I'm back after pretty much the worse 3 weeks of my life. ...and I smoked all the way through it, drank my wine at night to numb the pain and the only thing it accomplished was make me feel MORE like I had beaten, worn down, exhausted and less able to cope.

BUT everyone has been taken care of but me and last night it finally came to roost for me. WHY.

I won't go into details about why the last 3 weeks have been so bad ...I'm only here because Last night I nearly melted down to the realization that much of what I've been dealing with was problems that could have been avoided by others if they had taken the steps to avoid those problems...But they didn't then dumped the responsibility on to someone else to care for and/or fix and as I sat here last night beaten, worn down exhausted and less able to cope I had to ask myself ...a number of questions ...

and the answer is .. to every question, because I let it ..and the only one suffering the consequences of those decisions is me...now what am I going to do about it.

So here I am. TOTALLY Exhausted, beaten and feeling lower than a snakes belly but needing to make some small step to put myself first somewhere in my hectic life. This is as good a place to start as any!

Resetting my meter ... and will keep my public commentary of my life to a minimum.. Those are the 2 small promises I'm starting with for now.

[aztec]

If it help sto comment about your provate life in a discreet manner, it may be esier for you to get help. Quitting smoking involves every area of our life.

It sounds to me like you empathize. I empathize, it means I fee lthe other perosns pain, like it is my own. Sympathizing is something different , it's detached and then it's okay to  try and help. But if you are an empathizer, you need better boundries, that's what I have found out.

Everyone has dysfunction . If I could suggest someting, Maybe take a break from the wine and the crowd and re-group or reset yourself.

When you are 100 % committed to quitting smoking, you will do whatever it takes not to.

I hope you can avoid the dysfunction or figure out how not to take it all on  personally.

Just some thot.s

You can do this, you are in a good place to vent and get advice, some of which you can use right now and some which you may want to save.

I would suggest that you arm yourslef with knowledge about this addiction. american cancersociety, american lung ass. american heart ass, look up smoking cessation.

Go to why quit and read bryans story, if it's still there.

My favorite saying is "i'd rather breathe thatn smoke"

smoking doesn't help anything

Hang in there sunshine, smile and carry on, it takes a lot of heart, and every bodys got a job.

[onelasttime]

You are right in say "we let these thing happen to us" I had to make the decesion to put myself first on the the to do list to rid myself of the nasty addiction to smoking. I have to be first..If you don't care enough about yourself to save your own health and life how can you help any one else. Step one for you I think is self worth, make yourself first and you will win this battle for yourself..Deb  If the need be seek some one on one counciling theres no shame in getting the help you need..

[royann]

Thanks everyone. My dad has been VERY sick in the hospital. I'm trying to care for things and my mother who isn't well either(physically or mentally and hasn't been for a long time).

Lets just say "readers digest version".   my 15 yr old son and I scrapped my father off the floor at home and carried him to the car and emergency.  At 1 point the family was called together in his hospital room and told he had terminal lung cancer, only had a few weeks to live. only the next day for them to say opppss we mixed up the charts. he got pissed has him self released too soon (he wasn't even in there , hubby carried him in the house) and 48hrs later had him back in the hospital ....they overdosed him on one of his breathing medications at 1 point in ER (2nd trip) and had to stop his heart after it went into tachycardia to regain rhythm....He's now in extended care with too much going on to list. ...3-4 trips a day to my mothers to care for her as she is going off the deep end. I wish this was a new development but has been going that direction for a while and this has only amplified the problem., 3-4 trips a day to hospital. Caring for my own family. Oldest son was home on emergency leave and has since gone back to his base. My sister is in Disneyland...(she can't handle the stress and doesn't want in the middle, she says) ...and I'm it!

As far as dad's prognosis....they really don't know, even the doctors don't know. He's got advanced COPD, Advanced MDS, complicated by serve pneumonia and the latest development ...an enlarged heart but he's now getting to be a problem and wants to go home but can't walk even a few feet without loosing O2 ..and no one there that can care for him,

The teen staying with us is going to graduate, this is good news but his mother is being horrible to him and has told him she no longer has a son, he's dead to her.

I'm just burning the candle at both ends and the middle and realized when a new one hit me last night.. I CAN'T Take on anymore. My health is starting to take a toll too and I'm not sleeping or eating and barely holding it together. I refuse to let myself cry. I just can't. I did the day we were told dad had lung cancer...after that I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps to take care of things that needed taking care of. This morning I got up at 3am again and sat here  feeling  like I've truly been beaten and thought this is ridiculous. I can't go on like this.

Mom has been so horrible, saying horrible hateful things to me then wanting my help...  darling hubby about lost it 1 night out of frustration and I just begged him, pls don't, I can't do this with you right now. He apologized and said he's just frustrated....I get that. BOY do I get it. other than that all my guys here have been really good about it, helping when and where they can. ...and I just think of the good old days when families pulled together, brother, sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins ETC to help take care of family in crisis........and here, I'm it .!!!  My aunts won't come help, my sister was here for 4 days and left because "Quote she has a job and a life and doesn't want in the middle"....then upon getting home went to disneyland because SHE'S stressed. I have no family except my guys, thank god for them right now, without them I'm not sure what I would do.

So.........

one small step for Royann...resetting my meter, at least I figure I won't be coughing up a lung every morning or taking cold med decongestant to break up the crap in my throat so I can function.

[royann]

Thanks Sheri, I am finally coming to that realization. When my sister said she wouldn't even come back for the funeral I knew I was at my ropes end. I have been talking to the hospital staff and doctors in private ...and been communicating with the social workers. The folks are fighting it every step of the way , So I have put a lot of it in the hands of those professionals that know how to deal with these situations ike sending dad to extended care even though he didn't want to the visiting nurse that was at the house that 1 day ...she and I talked, she then submitted a report saying the husband (dad) needs more help)  than wife (mom) is able physically and/or mentally able to provide.

That's really hard for me to do, but I'm doing it as I knew days ago, there was too much to do, physically and emotionally and I knew I couldn't handle it on my own and with no other family to help or takes turns helping I had to go outside for that....at least to know myself how to cope and deal

[Yaya2.6.10]

Hugs to you.  I've been in a very similar situation and it truly sucks.  It was a great move to calls in the pros and be totally honest with them.  I finally fell apart with a social worker and told her all the family crap instead of keeping up the front.  Hey, those people have seen it all and know how to deal with things.  Besides advice from professionals is often followed even when it is the same as from family.  Forget your sister.  You need your energy to get thru this and can't waste it on her.  Sure, you will have to deal with her and your feelings later, but not now.  

[kathys]

Welcome back. We are here for you and we are not going anywhere. This time the quit is for you and you will do it. We support your decision .

[anacondahead]

We all need to learn to set boundaries in life that are fair to ourselves and to those we love. When we take on more than we should, we will suffer for it. I'm not saying it's easy, it's just what must be done. Best wishes to you.