July 21st --- how do i feel good about this?

[barb12]

okay so... i didnt smoke today. i faught the craving during work when i got frustrated with people being nasty. i faught the craving when i left work because i was "winding down". i faught the craving after dinner when i was "full". even though i faught theese cravings, some reason i do not feel accomplished. i dont feel good about it. well i dont necessarily feel bad about it either, but shouldnt i be proud of myself? thats the word.. proud. i dont feel proud of myself. im not sure why. i actually cooked dinner for myself tonight and i felt more proud about that then fighting the cravings. Yea i moved out of my parents in december, and im having a hard time learning how to cook and shop and portion control. id rather go out to eat. .... which has gotten me in trouble, because ive gained like 20lbs since april when i quit. but anyways back to the smoking issue, which i thihk will always be an issue... and i had a brain fart. lol.

i feel like i dont know who i am. i dont know what is fun. i find myself not wanting to do things because i cant smoke. its funny, an old friend of mine, we used to be able to talk about stuff for hours. now since i quit smoking, i find im bored when we hang out. i feel like theres nothing to do. he always asks me "whats wrong your quiet", and in all honesty nothing is wrong. i just dont have much to say. i guess i realized that our relationship really only consisted of smoking cigs, drinking coffee, talking about sex, or actually having. isnt that sad?. and i thought that he was a "best" friend. lol. i dont think that theres barely a friendship there at all. kind of dperessing.. actually really depressing.

so this blog thing. is what i type suppost to actually make sense? because im just typing away, and "venting" sorda speak. it actually feels kinda good. hmph look at that i found something that feels good. who knows how long ill keep it up though. that seems to be an issue with me... is start things and DONT FINISH.

i guess its kinda nice to just type what you think. its especially nice when i hear back from ya all. i look forward to reading what people have to say.

again thankyou for your support!! ttyl!

good luck tomorrow,

barb

[suzzy12345]

Being new to quitting, your going to feel lost, down, and out of sorts. It gets better in time.

[barb12]

better in time, but where do i begin?

[Giulia]

Stop it. Stop the mind games. They're all excuses to get you back to it.

You make total sense. And writing, venting, is a great way to keep yourself smoke free. Not all of us feel this incredible sense of PRIDE at quitting. I too expected to feel that. Nope. Nada. Just felt crappy. Sad. In constant craving mode. In constant fight the craving mode. It's exhausting. And there seems to be absolutely no rewards left in life worth having. Because the one reward we want the most - we've denied ourselves.

But it's all just a mind set. Truly. Think for a moment back to before you had your first cigarette. When I get lost in the addict thinking I go back to that thought. That first cigarette was AWFUL. Made me dizzy and nauseous. And I would bet there isn't a single person on this earth who didn't have the same experience. And when I managed to quit for as little as three days in the past, that first stupid cigarette I smoked after that made me feel the same. It's a poison. That's why it makes us feel that way. Remember that.

Dwell not on what you think you're missing, will be missing, dwell rather on the reality of this monster.

It seems to me you're learning a whole lot about yourself during this process. That GOOD. We don't grow when we have all the answers. You've just realized something about an old friend - that that friendship was based on a cigarette sharing time. That's not friendship. That's sharing an addiction.

You have to discover now what else feels good in your life - without cigarettes. That'll come, bit by bit, the more you remain free. You've actually gained, not lost, in this process. Trust that that's true. Because it is.

Giulia (2 years 4 mos +)

[barb12]

wow soooo yes i played around online and i actually do feel better! THANKYOU!!!!! ill write more soon. i like this blog thing. its like a journal!

[shanna3]

Hello there!
Giulia is right, it's just mind games!! When I first tried to quit, I blamed everything on my quit... I was unfocused, sad, deppressed-like, bored, angry, etc. all because i quit smoking. Anything I could find to blame on the "stress of quiting". This is what helped me rationilize going back to smoking... but these were just mind games!

When I went back to smoking, and while preparing for my next quit, it may sound weird, but
I focused a lot of energy on when I felt bad. If I were stressed out really bad, i'd make mental note, if somthing upset me , mental note.... So I came to the conclusion that even while smoking, I experienced the same feelings that I did when I quit! The only difference is that while smoking, there is no little devil voice trying to find any excuse under the sun to allow you to accept giving up. Most likely you and your friend never had real friend chemistry, or you never do give yourself as much pride and credit as YOU DESERVE!!

But that's ok, because you have given yourself a chance to realize some things you may never have realized. Please, try to fight the smoker amnesia, where we all sometimes seem to forget that life was not perfect and glamorous when we smoked.

For me, I'm a little nervous about a test next week, because i just quit smoking... but guess what? I remember a mental note... I was having a complete nervous breakdown right before a test, ciggerette in hand! So when I freak again next week I'll remember that, IT IS NOT BECAUSE I QUIT, it just because im a crazy nerd lol!

Anyways, I hope you can find a way to see this hard time as a very enlightning experience, where you are confronted with the one thing that people are most fearful of.. themselves. Embrace your non-smoking self!!

Congrats and Be proud! Some people only dream of doing this!