okay so... i didnt smoke today. i faught the craving during work when i got frustrated with people being nasty. i faught the craving when i left work because i was "winding down". i faught the craving after dinner when i was "full". even though i faught theese cravings, some reason i do not feel accomplished. i dont feel good about it. well i dont necessarily feel bad about it either, but shouldnt i be proud of myself? thats the word.. proud. i dont feel proud of myself. im not sure why. i actually cooked dinner for myself tonight and i felt more proud about that then fighting the cravings. Yea i moved out of my parents in december, and im having a hard time learning how to cook and shop and portion control. id rather go out to eat. .... which has gotten me in trouble, because ive gained like 20lbs since april when i quit. but anyways back to the smoking issue, which i thihk will always be an issue... and i had a brain fart. lol.
i feel like i dont know who i am. i dont know what is fun. i find myself not wanting to do things because i cant smoke. its funny, an old friend of mine, we used to be able to talk about stuff for hours. now since i quit smoking, i find im bored when we hang out. i feel like theres nothing to do. he always asks me "whats wrong your quiet", and in all honesty nothing is wrong. i just dont have much to say. i guess i realized that our relationship really only consisted of smoking cigs, drinking coffee, talking about sex, or actually having. isnt that sad?. and i thought that he was a "best" friend. lol. i dont think that theres barely a friendship there at all. kind of dperessing.. actually really depressing.
so this blog thing. is what i type suppost to actually make sense? because im just typing away, and "venting" sorda speak. it actually feels kinda good. hmph look at that i found something that feels good. who knows how long ill keep it up though. that seems to be an issue with me... is start things and DONT FINISH.
i guess its kinda nice to just type what you think. its especially nice when i hear back from ya all. i look forward to reading what people have to say.
again thankyou for your support!! ttyl!
good luck tomorrow,
barb
