J just might be a genius of a lunatic in No Man's Land

[Wozlik]

**FYI:  Really long, bitter, venting rant.

There is something very reinforcing about coming to the EX site, checking my profile and seeing that right now I have 58 day, 19 hours and some magic amounts of minutes in my new life.  I’ve struggled with many things this week (don’t we all?)  My physical health has not been great - one of those times where I have to remind myself that I am where I am, which is much better than where I was and certainly could be much worse.  My brain health has been labile - riding the waves between pretty nonfunctional and functional.  However, I have not been very comfortable with the surfing - lots of moments where my habituated brain tells me that all would be well if I had a cigarette, and one more moment than those of saying NOPE.  Mostly because I’m feeling bleak and dreary, dull and boring, frustrated and discouraged.  It has been hard to accomplish much this week.  This leads to my mental state kind of going down the tubes, which leads to my brain getting foggier, which leads to my body feeling worse because I forget to eat or drink water or take meds.  Yeah, vicious circle.

I had my intake for pulmonary rehab and appointments were set up (assigned - “this is your slot”.  Unfortunately, because there are several sessions a week I ran into problems with other appointments.  I have spent way too many hours listening to really lousy music while on hold waiting to change an appointment.  I did end up giggling when I called the neurologist for the second time today (yesterday I was on hold for 2.5 hours “you are number 15 in the queue).  After another 2 hours on hold today (“your call is very important to us…”) the phone was answered by a person who identified himself as Doctor someone. When I asked to change an appointment with Dr. R (my neurologist) I was told that this wasn’t her number, but he could give me the correct number and he did.  I tried to imagine how annoying it would be to get a bunch of calls for someone who wasn’t at that number because why else would you know the correct number?  

Anyway, I called the new number and was only #8 in the queue.  Is being told my place in the queue supposed to make me feel important or make me want to hang up and scream?  After an hour on hold they asked me to leave a message and they would call me back  (yes, they did and I made another appointment).  Now I’m waiting for call backs from 2 more places (one actually said, “Your call is very important to us.  If this is a medical emergency dial 911 or go directly to the local emergency department.  Due to a larger than usual volume of callers, complicated by technical issues with our telephone system, our staff is doing their best to meet your needs.  Please hold for the next available person.”  After about 30 minutes another recorded message came on and said, “Please leave a message and we will return your call.  If we have not returned your call in 3 days please call again.  However, do not call (this number), but call (this number). “  And of course each place had to let me know that Covid protocols were in place at this time.  

All of that to say that I recognize another trigger, but don’t know how to name it.  It’s when I’m stuck waiting for something fairly important that needs to be taken care of and I have to wait for someone else to do their thing.  Originally when I called places I’d wait about 15 minutes, hang up, move on to the next place, and call again later.  However, after several days I decided to just wait it out and that led to all of those hours in no man’s land while I am living in No Man’s Land.  What to do?

This is a conundrum to me for several reasons.  My executive functions are not great so it’s very easy for me to forget my purpose if distracted.  Writing notes isn’t very helpful as time drags on.  Trying to do other things while waiting doesn’t work because I can’t keep track of things and I muddle stuff up, make mistakes, then need to fix the mistakes, but often don’t have enough brain power left to figure that out.  Then, somewhere along the line word and meanings start getting jumbled and I become unsure about what I’m doing (so I have to read the note I wrote when I started 🤣 - sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn’t).

So, where has this self therapy rant led me?  I haven’t smoked.  Even though I’m in the place many call No Man’s Land, I am coming to believe that I am no longer a smoker.  I really don’t know what that means, but it is a change that the literature (and the pros here) tell me is going to make me feel so much better as time goes on.  I believe it.  I’m still slightly uncomfortable when I don’t know what to do during situations like the last couple of days and am totally open to suggestions for how to handle the doldrums (ah, there’s a good word).

I think one of the things that I did was essentially doing nothing.  I just sat and waited.  I stayed focused on the task (“I’m waiting on hold to change my appointment with the neurologist.”   check     “I’m waiting on hold to change my appointment with the sleep specialist.”     check     “I’m waiting on hold to change my appointment with the pain specialist.”    check    “I’m waiting on hold to change my appointment with whoever else.”  I also filled up my water bottles with my necessary water intake for the day and drank those.  I got something to eat after I accomplished each task.  

I also think part of my discouragement is that I have expectations.  I expect myself to get things done quickly.  I expect myself to find several alternative solutions to problems.  I expect myself to be able to multi-task.  I expect myself to be able to hold several things in my mind and move the pieces around efficiently.  I expect myself to check in here and see what’s going on, accept the wonderful support that’s offered and stay in contact with the folks I’m hoping to support.  I expect that I will add all of the new time-consuming responsibilities to my day and still have enough energy to do all of the other things that I was already struggling to do.

And I become disappointed with myself and enlarge that thinking to totally exaggerated heights.  I am a crappy person because I haven’t been to the gym.  I haven’t followed my diet plan.  I didn’t resize the headgear for my cpap.  I didn’t work on the baby quilt.  I have done nothing and I’m a worthless person.

Then I come here.  And I can see I haven’t smoked in 58 hours, 20 minutes and counting.  And because I AM DOING THAT, I am doing something amazing.  Something I didn’t believe was possible.  So thank you, thank you, thank you.  If I can do the impossible thing of being a non-smoker, there is probably nothing I cannot do given time and support, choosing what I want to do, then taking the steps to do it.  Steps that I figure out work for me and that have worked for other people.  Patience, persistence, a plan, a purpose.  Things will get done in their own time.  I am worthy.