So, I really struggled whether or not to write this blog. It is so easy to see that I have 331 days behind me. It is so easy to put beautiful quotes up on a wall. It is so easy to share rough times with a few people who have stuck close by me through this journey. What is not easy, is to show everyone how vulnerable I still am, that I haven't got it all together - that I am still out-of-wack. Yesterday was duck dying proof of that, and it wasn't even a big incident - proves I don't have my anxiety under control either (my therapist would fire me).
Our son (21) called yesterday morning. He has moved back home to attend a college close by, but is pet sitting at a friends right now. Oh my, the tears and pain in his voice were too much for this momma to handle. He is in massage therapy school so knows his body, he works out, is in good shape, and is tough! I heard that little boy voice, "momma, come get me, I hurt so bad - I can't move, I can't sit, I can't stand, I don't know what I did, momma I need help". Holy moly - you would have thought someone died!!!!!!! I screamed at my husband to get (it was just after 7 a.m.) and go get him and get him to an emergency room.
Funny, when they were little, I did those things - I was the control freak that had to be there with them. As my boys have grown, I can't handle it!!! So, my husband jumped out of bed (certainly not quick enough for me) and drove out to get him. Could I stop there, no......................I called a friend who is a nurse to ask if the ER or Urgent Care would be better (convinced he needed an MRI - the whole shebang {you getting a picture of my anxiety?}). She recommended Urgent Care, they opened at 8:00.
Guess what my first thought was after my husband drove out of the driveway? Yep, I need a cigarette, I NEED A CIGARETTE. It has been 331 days (well, how about it was a year in February, but I smoked 3 cigarettes last September so had to reset my clock so I have been it has been more days than that).
I know all of the right things to do, RIGHT? My God, this was only a young man (child of mine) with back spasms (I didn't know that at the time). I did not buy the cigarettes. I did write on a couple of people's walls on Ex, I read some other walls, I got on Facebook and tried to read positive quotes. Yoga and meditation were not in the cards with my anxiety. I took a Xanax (yes, I have diagnosed anxiety and depression - though I have weaned down a lot on my anxiety medication - so glad to have it at times like this!!!!!).
What's my point? Even after all of this time, I am admitting I am still vulnerable. Even after all the nice things I post on blogs, even after all of the nice pictures I post, I am admitting to you today I am still vulnerable, and I need you as much today as I did the first day of my quit. We all need each other. I have allowed school to become my distraction from life. I hide behind it, for hours a day - hours. I am in a panic to take finals by Tuesday in my current program; if I don't I can't register for my next program. I am not allowed to take more than one program at a time. My current program has 17 courses in it. I'm hiding.
I have a lot of evaluating to do. I need to get back on these boards and learn from YOU! It's time to stop pretending it's all OK. It's not!! Yep, I have plenty, plenty, plenty of great days - yesterday was a HUGE wake up call for me - HUGE! I've just altered addictions (at least learning is a healthy one) but what happens when it's over? No, I still have no found a job since I resigned a year ago in April to complete school and attain my certifications. Frustrated at the numerous applications I have put in and not getting calls. So, I'll just keep taking classes - otherwise - I'm on empty!
Sorry if this is so jumbled. But, I got it out............................Pressing send is not going to be easy - but, here goes!!!!!!!!!!!!
