Is this finally my time to quit? I'm ready to be done, but the e-cig has been my crutch.
I originally quit in anticipation of becoming pregnant and starting a family...After about 2 months nicotine free, I was out of town for work, running a hectic schedule, down with allergies, and just feeling off and overly stressed. To cope, I turned to vaping. It helped me get through the trip and when I got home I was only vaping during 3 hours out of the day, convinced I was still "quit."
Come to find out, a lot of the "offness" I was feeling was likely early pregnancy symptoms. I found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant--yay! I had prepared for this moment and was ready to be done with nicotine for this next chapter of my life...or so I thought. All throughout my pregnancy I used the vape as a crutch. Then into postpartum and first time motherhood. I really think it helped me feel a sense of normalcy and routine in the midst of all the changes and new stress triggers. I'm sure it helped my manage my hormones and emotions too.
But this isn't what I wanted. In the past I would envision my "future self" and I had long decided that my future self would not be a smoker. Me as a mother would not be a smoker, or a vaper. I took the steps and put this into action...but why couldn't I do it? Why was the thought of having a baby more of a motivating factor for me than actually being pregnant and having a baby??! Thank God the baby is thriving and is in great health, so it appears he wasn't impacted (at least for now in the short term). The crazy thing is I silently strongly judged my sister who didn't quit vaping during her pregnancies with her two kids. I thought really how could that not be enough for you to quit?? But here I am.
It's now been almost 10 months since I've had the baby, who I breastfeed...and I'm still. not. quit. I'm expecting this to be rough because as I cut back and eventually quit, the baby will also be quitting. I wonder how he is going to cope 😞 Actually, I have over a year supply of frozen breastmilk (ALL nicotine contaminated) that I was planning to give him once we stop nursing...so maybe he won't be quitting with me...either that, or I throw it away.
I've been hiding all this from my husband too. He confronted me about it yesterday. That's probably the thing that makes me feel the worst in all of this. I really didn't have a reason to hide it from him and lie, other than my own guilt regarding the pregnancy and the baby. He also struggles with a gambling addiction that I'm on and off on him about...sooo, can you say hypocrite?
Anyway, I ordered lozenges that will be here tomorrow. If there's ever going to be a time to quit, now is the time. I have to make things right and step up as a mom and wife, especially as we're talking about baby number 2 in the near future.
