Internal Chaos

[a.d.]

Hey smokefree friends, I am not in a good place mentally right now and my mind is going to...smoking. I just checked my phone messages and realized that I did not show up somewhere today that I had committed to be. I let a lot of people down and feel like an incompetent lazy-@ss who probably looks like a jerk. I am really wallowing in self-loathing and some self-pity right now. I'm sorry to subject you to that. It is painful for me too.

I feel like I am behind on everything. I am already behind in school, I have not learned as much at my new job as I would have wanted to, I haven't called several of my friends in a long time, I don't make enough recovery meetings, I haven't taken the time to write. I have started working out like crazy and I'm not losing weight because I'm still eating too much.

There is so much that needs to be done and so many fences to mend and I feel like I am just too tired to do that. And for some reason being self-destructive seems like my most attractive option right now. Not tackling these problems that seem overwhelming, just creating another one and saying f- it.

I know I haven't been keeping up with this website as much lately, and that's another thing I wish I could stay on top of. It's like I have a picture in my head of this super-happy, healthy, nonsmoking, nondrinking, attractive girl who is a great student, a good friend, a hard worker, blahblahblah... and sometimes I really feel like that! And then there are times like now where I see that I'm a million miles short. And my mind is saying, "no, don't reach out to anyone," but here I am.

[nathan3]

Just keep on keepin on! one thing at a time. one mile at a time. I know where your coming from and thats what helped me. you an do it! Yes we can!

[ctm]

Way to go for reaching out. That's what we're here for. I know it can be hard, but hang in there.

Vent and rant and rave and do anything, but don't smoke.

YOU ARE DOING THIS!!!!

[barbara42]

it is the addiction making you feel this way, it does not like that it does not control your life any more. just vent, do what ever you feel like on this site, we have all been there. you will win peace!

[karen44]

From your post I see you are also in recovery...12 step program? If so you know it's progress not perfection right? You have 22 days in as a non smoker. Your body is going through so many changes. Isn't it time for you to take care of you? Recovery is work, but it is so worth it. I'm gonna try to turn things around for ya here just a bit....
I'm working on my recovery (nicotene)...my grades will be better next semester I'm doing as good as I can
I'm not loosing weight..I just quit smoking and I'm exercising so I haven't gained any or much
I still have a bit of brain fog from just quitting..I'll call and make amends to those people today..I'm human and I did just forget
Can you do the rest? Turn things around? Turn a negative into a positive? Going back to smoking is not gonna change any of the things that have happened and will most likely make you feel even worst. Hold on to your quit. Let the people around you know what you are doing. If they have had any addictions whatsoever they will understand. Give yourself a break hun. If you ever want to chat just give me a shout please!

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Yes,

No Smoking you incompetent jerk.

Seriously,

Our minds can be very unfocused for quite awhile when we quit.

If you were my age and forgot a commitment you could sheepishly grin and say "senior moment"

Be easy on yourself

Go easy on you

Take care of yourself

Smoking is not in the equation of your life!

dale

[mandy3]

A.D. sometimes it is hard. it is hard to know what to do and when to do it. working, school, any kind of a social life, trying to stay clean. especially this early in our quits. i am going through the same kind of thing right now. there is so much to do and nothing is getting done, just feels like your going around and around in circles. and the thought of cigarettes seems comforting, maybe only because they have been there so long and were always reliable. but you know that they really do not make anything better.

i'm getting fatter, even though i am excercising very often. just think though when it gets warmer out. you will get to go do outdoors stuff for excercise. and you will be able to breathe while you're doing it.

just be strong please!!!! you have such a good quit going.

[pamela]

What can I say that Karen didn't ...... I can only say: "Time has a way of making all things better"
sending you strength and prays. Keep your head up and remember how great you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[claudia2]

Hey my friend A. D. it's like stop the world, I want to get off. First off one thing you should have learned in recovery is to make yourself NUMBER ONE. Mow you are having to do that with two things and it is very difficult. Getting down on yourself will not make the matters any better, or worse. If you haven't kept up with friend and they are true friends, they should know what you are going through and be supportive and understand.
Just take things one minute at a time if you have to, take some deep breaths. I know how it feels to get behind in school, because then you think you will never catch up. Reach out and ask for help. See our society is built on that and not enough people do it. You are doing it now and it is great.
Just relax some, don't try to take on the world, take care of you right now, keep that strength so you can keep a strong quit. We are all here for you. I am so sorry to hear you have been having a rough time.
All you can do is apologize and hope they understand,,,,not much you can do if they don't hun except move on.

[claudia2]

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[Jules7]

Hey A.D. Lots of good advice above. It is hard to be in recovery and figure out how to tend to our own needs for health and spiritual fitness. We are much better at self destruction. I hope you are feeling better tonight. I sent you a private message too.

[edith2]

[linda8]

AD, I have had a terrible time since i began the quit, with some days not being able to get things done that would normally be no problem, and as you just said other days feeling great even empowered by this whole thing. We have to remember that our bodies and brains were used to functioning with the nicotine and god knows all those other chemicals put in the cigarettes. I know for a fact that i have ADD, but without the nicotine at least on and off this first few weeks i know it has been worse. Here is the important part, too bad!!! I would love to be able to do everything just right, but that is not who we are, we are human and no one is perfect. And most of all, while we are going through this, the most important thing is that we not smoke, as long as that gets done that is all that matters. Good luck and hope you have a great smoke free week!!!!

[tigs]

Ok, A.D. I guess the post I left you was perfect for the situation. Feed the GOOD wolf. Don't get down on yourself so much. Great advice above. Take stock of the things that are going well, even if its as simple as...Heart still beating... still breathing, still have food...Take a look at what you are doing *right*. Like getting rid of those cancer sticks, eh? Don't do something bad, cause things are going bad...now, really..would that make sense?

I'm going through some of the same stuff....must be the 3 week blues people talk about, but we can get through it together!

I

[hwc]

Weeks 3 and 4 are so tiresome. At least they were for me. The adreneline rush of the first two weeks has let up. You kind of drop your guard a bit. Slow down with the education and support. The problem is that quitting is still a very intensive thing that soon into a quit.

You just have to stay focused on your daily commitment to never take another puff. That's it. Pretty simple, really. That will buy you all the time in the world to let the rest of the stuff work itself out. Your brain chemistry is still reverting back to that of a normal person. The whole pleasure reward dolpamine release mechanism is still messed up and will be for a few more weeks yet.

[susan52]

A.D.- you have become a special friend, and I am so sorry to hear you struggle. You are making choices at a very early stage of your life that many of us wish we would have made earlier ourselves. Be kind to yourself, and have mercy on yourself. You sound like a super-achiever, and one of the hardest things for me to work is my own perfectionism. Those of us afflicted with it feel nothing less than failures when we cannot possibly be or do all the things we THINK the world expects us to do. You sound like you have a lot on your shoulders (school, job, family, friends) to keep up with. It's really OK to let some of it go right now, but to find enough time for fun and rest. You deserve that. You are a miracle, and you are really a tremendously supportive and deep young woman. Be gentle on yourself, and put the club away, dear. You are a miracle.

[AutumnWoman]

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" -- right. You had all this great plans for what your non-smoking life was going to be like, but your HP had other ideas. Just take it one step at a time, baby steps if it has to be that way. You may not have done everything perfectly, but you are not smoking and that is something. You are making progress, even if you can't see it just yet. You made a mistake -- it won't be the first, or the last. Welcome to the human race. We're still here for you.

[sharon54]

Hey A.D.

Sometimes the quit takes all of your focus, and you lose sight of other committments. It's okay. Everyone involved has made mistakes as well, and probably did not beat themselves up as much as you are.

Go easy on yourself and stay true to your quit.

[glen.haizlip]

Just say "NO" to those cravings, get a little angry at your craving, "how dare that craving bother me when I'm trying to breathe" Take some deep breaths and be glad that you can... and the reason you can is because you are saying "NO" to cravings. 🙂