My quit date is coming. I was feeling positive about it... I have been tracking my cigarettes, delaying to separate the smoking from the habits, reading the websites, etc. I have cut down from about 12 a day to 6 a day in the past 2 weeks and it feels great! But today, some of my confidence in my ability to do this went down the drain when.....
My mother showed up at my house.
No, she doesn't smoke. She never has. I have never smoked in front of her or around her. But when I found out she was coming over, the first thought I had was "Quick, smoke before mom gets here!" and then the whole time she was here I was waiting for her to leave so I could go smoke. This sounds bad, I know. I love my mom, but I believe the stress and anxiety she creates in my life is a MAJOR factor of why I started smoking when I was 17. I have been sitting here thinking about re-learning habits such as not smoking after eating, not smoking while driving, etc.... but this..... this is the BIG ONE. Learning to deal with my mother without smoking. 8 years ago I quit while I was pregnant... it was easy because the cigarettes made me sick. Then 5 years ago I had another baby. When he was 2 months old, after spending a holiday with my parents and dealing with my mom's overbearing and judgmental attitude - I started smoking again. I had been smoke free for 3 years and all it took was spending a day with my mom and I suddenly felt like I needed to smoke again!!
With all these feelings rushing around me... I started having doubts. But I still know without a doubt that I WANT to quit smoking with all my heart. My quit date is Monday and I will be armed with lots of water bottles, licorice sticks, hard candy, nicotine gum, and the wonderful websites that you all have told me about. But today I have become excruciatingly aware of one major trigger.... and something that I will have to work through on an internal level in a major way if I ever want to truly be and stay an EX.
